A lucky star's above, but not for me...

Okay, so admittedly, I haven't actually had a good day all week.  But... dammit, I was having an okay day.  I had a bout of total hysteria yesterday, and then today Caroline swore she'd teach me to knit 'cause I keep trying to steal her blanket, and yes I may have basically collapsed and been shaky and almost unable to walk up to school for rehearsal. But things were okay when I got there, and people are talking to me a little sometimes, which is bizarre and a little nice, to have a little socializing.

But, besides fucking UMass Amherst... And besides the fact that I can't fucking write and now I have to do a Neitzche paper by next Friday (fuck...), and besides the fact that my headspace is... very locked and tense and silent and there's a million problems...

I was having a good day.  Ish.  Sarah called, and Valerie was on, and I have eBooks to read.  And I was... content, I think is the word. A decent enough rehearsal that I could... smile a little. Hope a little.

Yeah.  No.  Forgot that rule of life.  Fucking narrative laws. Go to hell.  ...Also, the phone convo... yeah, reasons I'm mildly not happy with it, but unimportant ones.  Mainly...

*Curls up* I hate it. I sometimes try to tell people what I think or feel. Rarely.  I'm usually too reserved for it.  But when I try... I get reminded there's no point in it.

I hate it.  I was almost having an okay day.  People are telling me I'm pretty suddenly.  I'm getting friends... And now I'm crying.  Again.

And getting slapped in the face with the fact that you can't really trust people.  They fuck with your head and leave you to dry.

I think people treat other people as puppets.  As toys.  Because it's all fun and games, right? All small stuff.

Except sometimes it isn't.  And what do you do then?

And what do you do when you need to talk to someone about trust, but no one you know is someone you can trust to cry on anymore? To know will be there to hold you, always, no matter what?

Who's going to miss you?

Should they?

...notthinkingaboutthat,sunlightisgood...