*Sighs* So a teacher couldn't make it to this... writers gala thing and my old English teacher asked me at the last minute. Turns out the EiC of Imag was going ANYWAY and this other girl who doesn't even write as far as I know. And I'm the fucking last minute stand in. AND WRITING ACTUALLY MEANS SOMETHING TO ME WHEN IT TOTALLY DOESN'T TO THOSE TWO. ARGH.

I hate that man. Honestly I do.

Anyway, fun thing even if I wore a skirt.  And I got a hug from a history teacher from the middle school, even though he never had me. He likes me. And told me to give mom a hug for him. He's the sweetest guy. His wife's cool too. (She's an author, was one of the speakers.)

I have a splitting headache.

I missed a hello from Tessa, though, and a call from Sarah. I feel bad and lonely.

But... I'm writing. I may have found a place for Natan in Apocalypse!verse, I think--I love him so much, I couldn't help it. It's not set in stone, really, as I really want him somewhere where I can play with class marriage stuff, so he might move around depending. But for the moment he's in Apocalypse!verse and a standin. And he makes a good peon--I mean, rich enough that he got a lieutenancy but  still had to go to the war and not high enough to be all safely out of harm's way.

And Jen? I've started that SiC scene. Be happy.  *Sighs* I love Neran. And he does so much. Neran's the catalyst for a rediscovered appreciation of life, basically. Oh, male bonding stories. Without gay undertones. At least, no intentional ones. They're so not gay together, really they're not at all. I love it.

Mental note to self: play with some gay guys in this regiment and have them flirt with the cute captain. Muchly needed.

Anyway.  Uhm.  *sighs* Oh, right. That's why I wanted Natan. Nevermind. He can play elsewhere, I guess. Probably Elemental!verse, where he belongs.  Or belongs better.  (Side note: odd, that in Bard!verse there's no singing magic. ...Or that I have none whatsoever yet. That's incredibly out of character for me. Must remedy that.)

Anyway, a quick note about names, for the sake of my own reference: Kalenes--once Kialort (Keye-al-ort) and Perenes, probably duchies or something, combined to be Kalenes.  Kialort names tend to be a lot more... hard consonants, ts and zs and ks, more is and o sounds (eg, the entire main family).  Perenes names tend to be more... soft-consonants, as and es and flowing (eg, Neran and Leransen and Desanen).  Obviously lots of "en" names. Valira are much more... vowel based names, and more... something. I haven't dealt with Valira enough yet to know.

*Snickers* House, to Wilson, in the preview for next episode (which is TUESDAY WHOOT!)  See, they ARE gay together!

Anyway. The point of this post: (WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD FOR WILSON'S LOVE LIFE!)

*I'm watching House with m'dad.  I see Wilson's girlfriend*
Dad: Whoa.
Me: ... *Jawdrop* Cutthroat bitch?!
House: ... *Jawdrop* Cutthroat bitch?!
Me: *SHRIEKS*
Dad: *Cracks up*

It is official.  I am turning into House.

...Okay, so I just told Caroline this. And she goes "Ouch." Me: "...It's not bad! He's genius! ...Okay, is it bad that I don't think turning into Greg House is a bad thing?"

Apparently it is.

I don't even care that it's a bad thing.  My god, I really AM turning into him. *Dead*

...In other news, despite my general dislike of LJ RPs and fandom RPs... I lurves my Mendanbar and my Dream. And I may have exactly one chance to grab 'em. And I've TOTALLY got a Dream in my head ANYWAY--he and Tyroshaun are always hanging out and being depressively, nobly, tragically heroic together. *Eyeroll* Boys.

Odd, that. I want basically my newest and oldest fandoms. Huh. Very strange. ...And the two tall, slender, dark-haired men. ...So I'm predictable, so shoot me.

...I just realized Mendanbar has grey eyes, and that was one of the things I loved about him. At the age of eleven. ...I have no further commentary to make. Because really, there's nothing to say.

ALSO! OHMIGODHOUSEISSOAMAZINGILOVESHIM!

*Sighs*

No. I'm not turning into House, unless House is really that emotionally tortured. Which I guess he IS, but... he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. That's my schtick.

(I've been doing a lot of... markedly Jewish or Hispanic things lately. It's odd.)

But... Just... had a moment. A can't think, can't breathe, can't live sort of moment.  And it's still hurting, y'know? That little knot inside my chest. Oh, nothing medical. I'm healthy enough. Not counting sleep deprivation and acne and bad eating habits.

But y'know... that knowledge.  Knowing when you can't go back.  That's what my school is so oblivious to, I think.  I knew when Grayson died that something had changed. That I couldn't go back, because a little boy had taken his own life and he was so damn close, and it was so damn close and I felt at the time like I wanted to die. On and off. But I remember hating my life at the time. And I still do. Hate it. But... I knew the day that Grayson died that something wasn't the same. I wouldn't've picked up Sandman before that. Even though it had been recommended to me a year before, even. And again just before summer.  I picked it up because I knew something had changed and I needed a way to see what that something was.

I needed a map for Destiny's garden.

And I knew something had changed when Jared died. Those boys still haunt me.  And I live every day now with a sense of "Who will it be next? Who is the next of my small, confined world to return to dust and empty space and be nothing more than a swiftly-forgotten dream in memories?"

(I was looking at my post from the day of the memorial. I said "This is your life." Death of Discworld said that, although it was in past tense. And Death of the Endless, I think, says something similar. "You got what everyone gets--a lifetime.")

I'd forgotten you don't need to die to go away.  Like Lexi. She and I have nothing in common now.  Like... like Marlee and Eric from my toddlerhood (my then-best friend who is a first class bitch JAP--Jewish-American Princess--and my then-crush who, while actually GORGEOUS now, is stupid beyond reason).  Like... like Tess. I love her, and she's still my heartsister.  But... we've drifted somewhat, and things aren't quite what they were. We're still unquestioningly devoted to each other. But we're necessarily more distant.  I wonder if that's how it was for Dream and Death after Daniel took over.

...I felt useless today. Worthless.  And yesterday. And every day. I'm failing miserably. I should be fucking everything.  I'm smart and I'm talented and I honestly love learning, and I'm even a little pretty when my acne's not bad. I should be into college, I should be top of my class, ahead on my homework, healthy and keeping up with life... and instead I'm a lazy lethargic bum. *Sighs* There's a reason I'm writing what I'm writing. The hero who can't quite make the status quo. To use Garion's terms, the rock that gets thrown... and sort of doesn't even last five seconds before thumping back to earth, without fanfare, just a quiet, wet little thud.  I hate it. I hate letting my parents down, I hate being the way I am.  But I really don't have much choice, do I? So I have to live with it, because I'm damn well not going to be dead with it. And I don't know just where I went wrong.

And why I can't deal with people, so that I keep trying to talk to people I have nothing in common with and being hurt when people I thought I could love and respect don't. It's happened... too often, I guess.  Price of empathy, I suppose.

Just had one of those... Joycian epiphany moments.  Where I went "...Shit."  And wanted to curl up and die.

Cordy's right. Being alone with others beats being alone by yourself.

But I don't really have that choice.

...At least I'm flying free?... 

EDIT: ...And my entire life is ameliorated in a tiny, tiny way by a realization that I might be able to snitch a now-useless old piece of writing as the opening of Shattered!verse. Thank Eru. I really liked that piece.