We are such stuff as dreams are made on...

What about aliens? What about you and me and what about gold beneath the sea?

2008-05-15T04:40:06Z

Well, I haven't left a note in a while, so.

Still emotionally... not there. At all. I have to not think about anything at all or I start weeping. So.

Need to write... thirty, forty pages by Monday. Wednesday at latest. With graduation shit going on.

I can't stop sleeping all day. Literally.

But tomorrow may be better. I have... eeeeeevil plans. Evil, evil plans for world domination through scientific enlightenment. *Cackles madly*

Trojie and I shall conquer the world.

Wait and see. *Grins brightly* Never had so much fun. All due to the fact that birds are living dinos and a cladistics discussion and on how to properly clone a velociraptor. (No, not frogs. Spielberg, you fail.)

When it's ready, there Will Be Much Pimpage. Trust me.

Anyway. Assuming I have not committed suicide (I won't, I promise, I'm being melodramatic this time, I thought I'd reassure anyone who cares), haven't failed from not writing and not having a presentation, and have not finally gone mad by this time two weeks from now... you will have lots of neat graphics and maybe some interesting posts in my writing journal on hero archetypes and on fanfiction, teen writing, and the Dreaded Mary Sue.

My MIT geek has come out at last. Muahahaha...

*SQUEE* KITTENS! *Glees*

Have I mentioned I need new icons? I really do. I need SCIENCYONES.

Softly, deftly, music shall caress you...

2008-05-10T05:31:06Z

Okay. Van Tramp gets moved to "muses" next time I update my links list--which may be soon, as I have found my orpheus (or Apollo? Maybe leave Tim as Orpheus, make my new hero Apollo. Or something. I need Cerveris on there too.

Okay. So I thought no one could match Tim. But Tim's voice, while AMAZING and GORGEOUS and about as perfect as a human voice can be, and while being pure sex while he sings, is just that--pure sex while he sings, and a perfect human voice.

There is, in fact, someone with an even more incredible voice in this world--because it IS NOT HUMAN. It CAN'T be human. Honestly, there is no way.

Nathan Gunn. Look him up. Look at his shirtless pics. LISTEN TO HIS VOICE SPEAKING IN THE INTERVIEW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. HIS SPEAKING VOICE IS PURE, UNADULTERATED SEX IN THE WAY TIM'S IS, ONLY LOWER AND MORE POWERFUL.

And there are TRULY no words. Except to say that from his voice, he can CLEARLY headvoice a LOT and has a LOT more lower range than he uses mostly. As in, he has RIDICULOUS RANGE. I LOVE Tim so much, but the thing is? John has been reminding me of him, musically, 'cause Tim's a tenor-baritone really. There are tenor-baritones--just a LITTLE high for my taste--and there are bass-baritones--nice, but they can't hit high notes well.

And then... there is the true, perfect baritone. No one in the world should have that voice. And yet, he does. I'm not even kidding. My mother was incapacitated, even my FATHER was like "...That's... wow. My god."

Lexi says she prefer's Gerard Butler's speaking voice, but we both know it's only 'cause Butler has a Scottish accent. If Nathan Gunn had one...

....

Okay. If Nathan Gunn had one, A) I would have to STALK HIM AND GET HIM TO TALK AND READ MY WRITING SO I COULD HEAR HIS EVERY WORD, and B) ...I would honestly just... have a heart attack. I've been having problems lately with just how high Tim's voice is, because I keep hearing this... far more resonant voice. I mean, Jalen/Jon? Is a BASS. He can't sing high to save his life, and his speaking voice is like half an octave lower at LEAST than Nathan Gunn's. Which is the POINT. Nathan Gunn. Has. The. Perfect. Voice.

Literally, my parents haven't heard anything like it. I haven't. It is... it's... my GOD. GO WATCH THE INTERVIEW. LISTEN TO HIS VOICE.

You will not find a more perfect baritone--resonant and clear, with the hint of golden high notes should he care to reach them, and a constant grounding beyond anything I've heard. Just... my god.

It's not even pure sex, when he sings. It's BEYOND it. It's what those hallucinatory, orgasmic religious experiences stupid people while on 'shrooms or something. WITHOUT THE DRUGS AND RELIGION. JUST PURE, MATHEMATICAL AND MUSICAL PERFECTION.

I... just...

guh.

I hope you realize I never use the word orgasm. I'm far too prudish. This time? (And possibly due to the time of night...) it DESERVES it. A thousand times over.

The man is a god.

And he's even pretty. ...He looks sorta like Adrian. *Blink* Except Adrian's lighter boned. ...He looks like... damn, I dunno who. Andren? He's beautiful. Maybe Iain Scott of Lise's stories on ANI (don't ask). Just...

Thank god he ISN'T Scottish. I literally would never have recovered. I'd be dead on the floor from an aneurism.

Nathan Gunn. Go look him up. DROOL.

Excuse me. *Goes to a song-filled heaven*

EDIT: While we're at it, if anyone could tell me if the BPAL Yvaine scent is worth it, I'd like to know. 'Cause I might want to try to get my hands on some if it is. I have a dress that makes me think of it.

Done now.

That was rather... British, wasn't it?

2008-05-08T14:37:25Z

Sharing this, just 'cause it is TOTALLY a Giles-Scoobie conversation (dunno if it'd be Xander or Buffy, or POSSIBLY Oz if he were being really sarcastic--OZISLOVE), or possibly Chris-Tamara, because... well, I can see it happening.

British professor: I was walking around Oxford one day and I heard these two young lads, couldn't have been more than eight, say "bitches and hoes."
Student: Could you please say that phrase again?
British professor: ... No.

I loves my British. Hmm. Junior year is definitely happening. Absolutely. I won't let it not happen. Maybe I'll just do five year Masters so I can have four years at my lovely MIT and still spend my junior year traipsing about the wilds of Cambridge, UK.

...Hi. This is your random, "Yes, I live" update. After my minor nervous breakdown of yesterday, I thought I'd put it up.

Now I just need to write a paper in about two hours, email it, be like "...Ooops, sorry, it's right here, forgot!" and go make a flashlight. Cool, huh?

EDIT: While we're at it, because I always forget to mention this: I keep seeing postings for "The Hush Sound," some band or other, on various communities and stuff. My reaction, EVERY TIME: ..."WTF? The Hush Sound? That would be... silence. No one could talk in Hush! ....Dammit, Buffy!"

The Art of Insulting People

2008-05-05T19:36:42Z

I... REALLY wish I had had an opportunity to use this with SotE!Cinaed. Seriously. This would have been the FUNNIEST thing for him to say. Just because A) he would, B) he would and be reprimanded for his choice of words by both his wife and son, C) he would and be rather pleased with himself, and D) OH MY GOD IT IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER.

Okay, so I was reading a Regency fic, and there's a general who has restrained himself from giving an evil, scheming woman his opinion of her. SotE!Cinaed's version of said opinion, assuming he's talking to some court viperess, which he would have given immediately:

"My lord? You seem pensive."
"I was contemplating the sheer disparity in station between yourself and some of the poor women I have known."
"Oh? *Pleased*"
"Do you know, there are women in this world who are forced to sell their bodies for others' pleasure, who have not grown up with half your clothing, education, or talents. One wonders if they could have found another means of surviving."
"*Look of disbelief and some confusion* I don't quite--"
"*Snorts, with that special, Kaleaster-y sneer of complete derision--you all should know it, Altran probably uses it the most, although Tyroshaun uses it when in a bad mood* As I said, I was contemplating the disparity in station between you. You could not aspire to match them even in the privacy of your own, conceited mind."

...I love him. Really. He's INSANE and impolitic and really bitchy, but man Cinaed is fun to write when he's being evil. *Cackles* I'd love to see him set someone down. Just... 'cause. Yes, I read regency and somehow end up picturing Cinaed being restrained by Kaimana from strangling half the population. It amuses me.

...Cinaed makes my life. Really. My not-bookworm.

EDIT: Because the translation is even more hilarious, I'll go ahead and supply the seemingly-random, more real-world-ish version of the above set down. "I rather like prostitutes. They've got a code of honor. *Beat* You couldn't hope to rise to their level if hell froze over."

That was the original phrasing. Slash the un-prettified way of putting it. I repeat, I LOVE THAT MAN. *Glomps him and his acerbic tongue*

The Devil looked right back and him and said "Why visit me?"

2008-05-04T23:32:19Z

Really sorry for the spamming today, but I'm... having a breakdown and thus chattering.

But I have a brand new song for you all. *Giggles* I LOVE THEM.

Chorus:
We are, we are, we are the engineers
We can, we can, we can demolish forty beers
Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum all day and come along with us
For we don’t give a damn for any old man who don’t give a damn for us

MIT was MIT when Harvard was a pup
And MIT will be MIT when Harvard’s time is up
And any Harvard son of a b. who thinks he’s in our class
Can pucker up his busy lips and kiss the Beaver’s-- *Gasp!*

[Chorus]

A lady and an engineer were sitting in a bar
The engineer was working on some research after dark
His scientific method was a wonder to behold
While his right hand traced the figures—his left hand traced the curves

An MIT surveyor came upon the Gates of Hell
He looked the Devil in the eye and said “You’re looking well”
The Devil looked right back at him and said “Why visit me?
You’ve been through Hell already ‘cause you went to MIT.”

We are the engineers etc.

Three-point-one-four-one is pi and two-point-seven’s e
The root of minus-one is i and the speed of light is c
I can rattle off these numbers till infinity
But the only thing that’s constant is the work at MIT

We are the engineers etc.

My parents spent a fortune sending me to MIT
Although they heard it was a place of wild debauchery
But now they both can rest assured that they should have no fears
I’ve never even heard of sex ‘cause I’m an engineer.

We are the engineers etc.

We are, we are, we are the engineers
(MIT’s finest, MIT engineers)
We have no fears,
We drink our bears
Devoid of fears we shop at Sears
Etc.

We are, we are, we are the engineers
We can we can demolish forty bears!
And we shall tool for ever and ever

[Chorus]

*Bows* Not mine, but... a good fit for me, no? *Grin*

If I could turn back time...

2008-05-04T21:53:28Z

So... I'm really depressed. Three possible reasons for this:

1) I actually took my meds for a couple days, and then didn't today. And as a result my nervous system got shot to hell.
2) I'm three days behind in my personal schedule and too tired to fix it.
3) I haven't dealt with my personal life that needs serious attention due to work. But... life always takes second place to working nowadays. Apparently.

But... a couple of songs just depressed me so much I started crying again. This is a bad sign. Here's one.

So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

[Chorus]

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

[Chorus]

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

Yeah. That. *Sighs* Also "The Freshman," but mostly the lines "For the life of me, I cannot remember/What made us think that we were wise and would never compromise/For the life of me I cannot believe we'd die for our sins/We were merely freshmen." Just... they sound like something he'd say, yeah?

Yeah. Depressed me. Also, that on top of a pretty rendition a capella of My Immortal is enough to basically shatter my sanity. And cry.

I need something stupid and happy and unemotionally baggaged right now. Badly. ...Except music by nature is emotionally baggaged now. Fuck it. *Curls up with lobsterplushie and listens to MIT a capella groups*

EDIT:

This is another of them.

The rope that's wrapped around me
Is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me
Are finding their way in
I keep it close to me
Like a holy man prays
In my desperate hour
It's better that way

So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
Where my mind has been

Angels never came down
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall

I've crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
I've dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death

So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
I will not look upon your face
I will not touch upon your grace
Your ecclesiastic skin

Angels never came down
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall

I'll come by and see you again
I'll have to be a very good friend
If I whisper they will know
I'll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin

Angels never came down
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall

I have very predictable tastes. Obviously.

EDIT: Continuing my predictable tastes...

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
'thought I might get one more chance

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in
(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God couldn't let it live

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

I also like the guy singing this one. Niiice voice. Little accent, says chance "chahnce." Veeery nice.

Final edit:

Upon yet another listen... I felt "The Freshman" deserved to be on here. Or maybe that was the voice in the back of my head singing along softly and rather sadly.

When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
We were merely freshmen
We were only freshmen

...Yeah. I always start crying during this song.

That is the madman...

2008-05-04T20:07:44Z

My new favorite list:

http://angevin2.livejournal.com/148520.html
http://angevin2.livejournal.com/151336.html

*Cackles*

Except so, so true. Especially about Hamlet's speech. SERIOUSLY. It should MOVE, people, he's losing his mind, he's frantic, and he's being poetic but he's slowly breaking down...

Or maybe I'm influenced by my internal vision of how he'd be portrayed. -_-. But that's how I see it.

Hee. That list WINS.

Mark hides in his work

2008-05-01T17:11:09Z

Thing happened in my life. Slash things didn't, and I thought I'd be able to piece my life back together after the fucking paper was in. Hah.

To do May 1, necessary before sleeping:
- Astronomy homework, all ~~fourthree~~two parts of it. Fuck it.
- Finish Imag Word layout with files from Meems.
- Study math.

To do May 1 if possible:
- Start/write English paper on PMS (Post-Modernist Shit).
- ~~Start/write reflection for physics~~.
- Write a page, two if possible.

To do May 2 before school, necessary:
- Study math
- Go in early, finalize Imag.

To do May 2 before school if possible:
- Start/write paper on PMS.
- ~~Start/write for physics.~~
- Write a page or two.

To do May 2 by 8th period:
- Write paper on PMS.
- ~~Write for physics.~~

To do May 2nd by the time I sleep:
- have written at least two pages from what I have so far.
- Not die.

After that, I may breathe. And deal with life, social life, psychological health, and writing. Lots of writing, worldbuilding, etc. LOTS of worldbuilding. I need to figure out the years on this planet of mine, so that I can figure out A) how "old" the characters are and B) ...uh... what the seasons are. 'Cause... binary star system. I REALLY want there to be a winter, though.

I'd prefer more winter to more summer. But.

In good news, the ROCKERFELLER GRANDCHILDREN are fighting Exxon to move to renewable resources. HAH! ONE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!

EDIT: And while I have not actually managed to get anything done on astronomy since getting home, I am ALMOST done with Imag--but have made more work, idiot that I am--and have started the powerpoint for my ISP. Which... almost counts as writing. Depending on how far I get, I may count it.

Time nor space... shall keep my own away from me...

2008-04-30T18:18:38Z

So... strange thing about my moods, lately, is that I can swing from one to the other with no warning, one minute to the next--and that I can be depressed about my grades and life and still be hyperactive high. This is particularly true when my medicine keeps me from having an anxiety stress nervous breakdown.

But.

We did Fine Arts Awards today.

I... oh my GOD. I was pissed the alto section leader got an honorable mention for the concert choir. She sucks. Doesn't show up half the time. Choir president got award for that choir. But... BUT. Tenor section leader--Tom, the boy who was a bitch to me but has been nicer lately--got the award for the top, a capella choir--and I got the honorable mention. Only non-section leader. *Beams* Didn't get any mentions for Jazz, which PISSED ME OF PARRISH I'VE DONE IT FOR FOUR YEARS AND I AM YOUR FUCKING PIANIST.

But. BUT!

I GOT THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT AWARD. As in, for the whole music department. For excellence and contribution to multiple musical disciplines. *BEAMS* I'm so happy.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT AWARD.

I... my god. I'm actually, like, leader in my school in music.

Just... eeeh. I'm so HAPPY.

Then I was like "Crap, I turned into JP!" Heh. I love him. He's my cellist bass guy who went to Princeton.

Just... yey.

...By now, this afternoon, I'm very tired, hungry, bitter again, and just not up to this shit again. But... I'm still so happy!

Me. Music award. From the fucking department. Because, apparently, I'm the best all-around musician at the school right now.

*SQUEEEEEEEEEEE*

It was an electric oven.

2008-04-29T17:04:14Z

Right. The thing about dealing with my life, light at the end of the tunnel?

Hah. Fuck that.

If I actually end up killing myself sometime in the next few days and weeks, don't be surprised. There's looking to be less and less I can do.

That surprise at not being in a straightjacket yet? Yeah. Well.

Maybe I should be.

EDIT: ...Sad thing is, I'm actually very close to not even exaggerating about that anymore.

Sing, masses, SING!

2008-04-29T00:37:39Z

Happy birthday to you,
Snarky writers worship you,
You are awesome and amazing,
And Discworld is too!

From me and peacefuldragon (who helped me write the song) at least: HAPPY SIXTIETH BIRTHDAY, TERRY PRATCHETT! WE LOVE YOU!

Lessons in English.

2008-04-28T12:57:57Z

See Lee.

See Lee die.

Die, Lee, die!

Okay, so I'm not sure if the minute or so late I was will count. Hopefully "in transit of email" will count as, y'know, being that minute or two late. -_-. DAMN WELL BETTER, RAULSTON. THAT IS THREE FUCKING THOUSAND WORDS OF QUALITY BULLSHITTING YOU HAVE THERE! *BEAMS* AND SINCE ABOUT THREE O CLOCK THIS MORNING, TOO.

...When I let my final grade rest on four hours of work, after no sleep and WAY too much scifi and anime? You know I have problems. But I basically analyzed modernism and existentialism and proceeded to deconstruct postmodernism, which is REALLY what my paper was about (and NOT actually form enhancing content, please GOD let him not notice that... -_-) but HEY, the first sentence of my paper was "As any debater, lawyer, senator, or overstressed English student will attest to, sometimes how an argument is presented is more important than the argument itself." Voila my paper. Wondefully evil and self-referential, ja?

Also. This is the announcement of my living. I have not lived since about Friday afternoon, as I was in a state of perpetual limbo over this paper. But I live now.

And will now go die and try to get some sleep. I'm skipping school today. It can fuck itself.

...Also, I TOTALLY worked in The Name of the Rose as my final deconstruction of postmodernism AND MANAGED TO END MY PAPER WITH A SPEECH FROM DEATH. *CACKLES MADLY* The one about an atom of justice, a molecule of mercy. From Hogfather? *Snickers* I have a HUGEASS works cited list. Name of the Rose, Borges, Camus, Kafka, Sartre, Ives, Beckett, Nietzsche, a quote from Wittgenstein, and Pratchett. HAH.

I, my friends, conquer. Even if I fail this paper.

...I will deal with my life, that fucking magazine, that fucking novel I promised I'd do for a grade (I just need to pass, I can half-ass the fucking thing although I LOVE YOU TROJIE FOR HELPING ME WITH THE WHOLE MAGICAL APOCALYPSE WITH THE WHITE DWARFkthnxdone), and... uh...

I might start drawing. Just maybe.

-_-. If I do? Blame Adrian. The bastard's psychopathic enough.

...I am corrected. Sociopathic.

...No, sorry, you DO get labeled insane, hon.

EEEEEEELLLLGEEEEEEE. You need to let me know when you'll be online so I can raaaaaaaamble at you! *Beams* Especially as I've actually solidified all my social workings now, and just need to clear up minor plot points, sequences of scenes, etc.! You'll get fun scenes!

Also, WELCOME HOME JENN! I know you're upset to be back. But I'm happy to have you, and... I WILL BE IN BOSTON THIS FALL! (Assuming I don't fail first.) *SQUEE* That'll be fun, yes?

...Dear, dear readers, whosoever and howsofew you may be, I have lost my mind. Also, I quoted "Form of Things Unknown" for my title. Yeeeaaah, basically a Sandman AND a Pratchett moment in a paper. I win. Or lose. Or something.

Either way? My life is starting to return in snatches and glimmers of hope. I'm so clooooooose... (Also? *HEADDESK* It's a bloody wonder I'm not in a straightjacket right now. I just want this clear.)

AAAHIWANNADRAW.

I'm waiting in the dark, I thought that you'd be here by now...

2008-04-25T14:42:00Z

The day I use THAT as my subject line? You know I lost my mind. Seriously. Me. Avril. My cognitive abilities have vanished.

A) Postmodernism? Is SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT I HATE THEM.

B) ......

Uhm.

I need to learn to... not look at my profile to check to see if the couple people I friended lately friended back. Not 'cause of them (Trojie, you rock my socks, really). Just... things change. And I don't know when, but I realize later that I missed something really major and I'm still stumbling along behind in stupid, hopeful, naive innocence, and... yeah. Anyway. ...I don't really have to be tactful anymore. No one to be tactful to. *Melancholy sigh*

Gods, I shouldn't ever look at it. Just... glad to know I'm not that... whatever. I don't feel like using the first word that occurs to me, because I want to avoid thinking about screaming arguments. I'm too tired for them. I think I've still lost faith in human loyalty. ...Except not really, 'cause... I have Heather, and Tessa, and LG and Jenn, and Katie and all my wonderful Cambridge buddies, and Betsy and my school friends and they DO EXIST it's amazing, and...

It's so strange, isn't it, how one person can affect your whole world outlook? I suppose that, as I have no reason to be tactful, I'll add that the word I was looking for is juvenile. But... I don't fully have the energy to care anymore.

It's almost over. It has to be.

...I'm very tired. *Pause* Except that, when I say that, and my first thought is to just... sleep, to let it all go away...

And then I stop. Because I don't want it to let it all go. Not ever. It's all I have, you know? Let it hurt, let me scream and cry... it's life. And one's a bloody idiot if one doesn't see that. Or let it go...

And therein lies the dividing line. Sorry, July. You're wrong about me and Tyroshaun. Because I'm not willing to give up. Ever. ...Closer to Adrian that way, ass though he can be--but he chose to live. There's a difference--and one which I need to make clear--between not wanting to die and wanting to live. He gave up. See... he and Adrian have... similarities. Except that Adrian was ALWAYS the sweet, gentle guy, very self-effacing, and he became rather bitter and dangerous and, well, psychotic; a young Tyroshaun was much more dynamic (closer to a mix of Celtan and Adrian), more charismatic, less self-effacing--and then he discovered that he was not, in fact, a god on earth, that he was incredibly fallible and couldn't do everything, and discovered it traumatically enough that he... gave up on ever actually living at about the age of eighteen. ...Which, strangely enough, is a completely consistent character trait and has been for years now. I think I pretty well straddle the two boys in character--but you're wrong about me and Tyroshaun in particular. We share things, 'cause I love him and made him a lot of what I wanted to be and what I am still afraid of being... but there are fundamental differences in outlook. I partially blame his testosterone poisoning.

...anyway. Uhm. i'm gonna... go do that thing where ya reject colleges. And, y'know... try not to cry and stuff.

I want to go home.

...I don't know where that is anymore.

(I'm Shia now? ...I wonder how Nate's doing.)

If you do happen to read this, Aubrey... I've said before that talking would be nice. That the lack-of-talking has been rather... detrimental to my mental state. And it would be nice. Really. It gets damn quiet around here sometimes.

"Even we don't cut angels' wings." "No. I do."

2008-04-24T16:43:58Z

Adrian is fucking scary.

Really, he is. And mildly psychotic. I don't want to know what he did to the people who--not being from the angel-demon-human star system and not knowing about angels--actually cut a couple angels' wings. Or rather, the people who ordered it, as the people who DID it were probably already dead. Seriously, Adrian? Ack. Scary. Hopefully Robin (who STILL needs a better name...) will restrain him.

Also, his dagger is like Jack's gun with one bullet. Only, uh. Sharp and pointy and intended for several people.

Anyway, though... I'm running into a problem with Angel!verse, one that isn't a problem per se and possibly only indicatory of a brief flirtation with possibility as I'm IN LOVE WITH PHOENIX REQUIEM AND MY GOD GO READ IT JONAS IS SO FUCKING SEXY (and so is Robyn, but EEEEHJONAS; Jonas/Anya and Robyn/Petria are my 'ships--not that there are anything but permutations of that REALLY available at this point, BUT). Anyway, though...

See, thing is, most of my writing I definitely see as images in my head. But most of it I also see as... writing. Like poc!verse, which is very solidly a written thing, because I couldn't do the internal/external duality or convey the regression into simplicity internally coupled with the complexity of the outside at the end in any format BUT written. (Plus... uh, the thing crystallized as a specific sequence of sentences, and as SENTENCES, so it's written.) Admittedly, pocverse is my experimental ground, in that I'm playing with storytelling techniques mostly and I think the only story in it I'd tell in a traditional, linear, ordered, third-person sort of way is the love story that pretty much changes everything. That's been part of the plan for ages. Different formats, different styles, different lengths... pocverse is largely ABOUT storytelling, and that's part of the structure.

Elemental!verse would, again, be far more traditionally written, as would Shattered!verse. Bard!verse, due to the nature of its origin, I CAN hypothetically see as an actual movie. Mostly 'cause, y'know, that's what it WAS. Except it was created to be a movie to be described, and what with my interest in its mythology it is ALSO a very solidly written world.

Angel!verse, however... is getting out of hand. A) The complexities of the story. B) The fact that while I really only have seven characters at the moment, there needs to be a BUNCH of humans, and a lot more demons, so there's a HUGE cast list. (Admittedly, Elverse will be similarly insane, and pocverse ought to be if I could get off my ass about it... but that's another story.)

But... Again, I don't know if this is due to my love of Sandman and my secret desire to do comic books, or the fact that I am SO IN LOVE WITH PHOENIX REQUIEM and there was a fantasmatic update today, but... I really, really want to do Angel!verse as a comic series. I can see it, and there's so much in it that's just visual. When Adrian's roots show, when Shia finds Meradan's body, the knife itself, the traces they find of Celadan, the scarring on Adrian's back, the wing shapes and colors and the various feline house markings, even Merineth's dreaming of her father (which isn't really a dream)... it's a very visual world. And I'm very close to wanting to draw it all instead of writing it. Because... it's feeling like a visual world.

Except, uhm, me? Drawing? And on a regularly updating basis? HAH. HAH. HAH.

But DAMN, I want to.

"If it's to last, then the getting of knowledge should be tangible. It should be, um, smelly."

2008-04-22T15:55:20Z

Sorry for the long quote as a subject. But only Giles can fully express the depth of my distaste for the educational system at the moment. It truly, truly makes me wish I had a plotbunny and an outlet at the moment for venting. Except I have no math teacher characters. (This is partly because they would turn into my father, and I have one of those already. Admittedly, in history and/or English and/or magical and/or military and/or general all around TEACHER guy. Except in math, as... uh, he is so bad at it as to be in danger of bankrupting himself if he's allowed near a pocketbook. Why is he so cute? And he IS. Aaaah. Except he's minorly an ass, not really nice to his baby boy, and while he's morally wonderful and socially and politically active... one on one? Not so fun. Unless you share his sadistic sense of humor. Meaning mostly unless you're me.)

Anyway.

Method? Should NEVER be accepted as a substitute for analysis. *Disgust* Because people learn method and don't learn the thing itself. Just... UGH. It makes me SICK, that people know how to use the tray but don't actually know a DAMN THING about what they're doing. It honestly just makes me sick. *Shudders*

Tommy Tunes tonight. I may give you guys pictures of the GORGEOUSNESS of my dress (and the somewhat undermined gorgeousness of me in it). And I'll let ya know how my gayboy does. ...i want food...

...I also want to play with Adrian. WHY IS HE AWESOME?!

I am selfish, I am wrong...

2008-04-22T10:41:37Z

So... uh. STILL haven't written a paper (a week plus now...) and a quiz for tomorrow and review sheet for today (but the last is really easy, because I can just copy off a bunch of not-exactly-book-problems, and the second is just a selection of those changed a little more, so an hour and a half SHOULD suffice).

I have, however, happily planned out Angel!verse, when I should be working on pocverse if I'm writing at all. *Facepalm*

The angel family needs a family name, but.

- Meradan - the king. Also, very gay. Not... effeminate in ANY way, and not really a queen. Just... happens to lack even a single straight strand of DNA. Seriously. His poor brother (who is entirely straight, although Meradan would tease him CONSTANTLY about the likelihood of that) would get SO embarrassed during conversations. Especially as he was a prude, and he really just wanted to stop talking about who either of them were attracted to ANYWAY. He's a sweetie.
- Celadan - his illegitimate younger brother
- Konarashia - Celadan's wife, a demon (again, she's not REALLY one, I just have no name for the race yet)
- Merineth - Celadan's oldest child, a daughter, named for his brother, obviously. Celadan would do that.
- Koneneliar - Celadan's second child, a son. Named by his mother, obviously, who calls him Konen. ....Which kind of makes me laugh hysterically. Konen. Anyone else start thinking about O'Brien? Given that this is, oh, Jalen, there is something that A) doesn't quite compute and B) is ridiculously funny. I mean. Come on. Conan, Jon, and Stephen just had that battle. ...Ignore my insanity.
- Jalen - Koneneliar's name given to him by his father when... uh, Celadan sorta kidnaps him, actually. Also the name used by everyone, and officially in the records after Celadan's made notes of the changes.
- Aitanna - one of the twins. Is, as ever, awesomekickass.
- Celtan - The younger twin, which Aitanna CONSTANTLY holds over his head. Named by Shia for Celadan, as she sort of thought he was dead. There's a distinct possibility his full name is some horror not unlike Koneneliar, but... even Shia never uses it, mostly to honor Celadan's memory (poor girl needed to be told he was alive and... uh, at least mostly in one piece...)
- Robin - until further notice, Shia's alias (shut up, I know, but I love her in OP, so the name is currently sticking)
- Adrian Celio - If you didn't notice, I'm disappointed in you. He's a very bad liar, apparently, even when he's a mostly unscrupulous murderer of sorts.

Aaaand I'm shutting up to go work now. I need to figure out the exact naming rules of the feliney people, though. And of the angels. But for now... Ta!

I have a bad feeling about this... (TM Lucasfilms)

2008-04-21T22:07:35Z

WHY is Luke such a failing, whiney brat? ARGH. Also, why is Han so pretty? I hadn't actually, uh, noticed this before. But he IS. ...Sad thing is, I'm looking at him, and...

Uh. I keep wanting to see Celadan. *Flailhide* A young Celadan, obviously, as older!Celadan is scarred and broken and bears very little resemblance to his younger self (which is, y'know... good, for many reasons).

If he weren't so manly, I'd make him the younger boy, and have older-boy=Luke, younger-boy=Han, and a really weird twisted sort of grandda=Palpatine and Cel is the embittered but not actually EVIL version of Anakin, except he's really more like Corwin than Anakin because Anakin's a PSYCHOPATH which I have to admit even clip-winged Cel is not. Mildly sociopathic or obsessive, yes, but not psychopathic. He'd never countenance murdering hundreds of innocent people. Actually, come to think of it, younger boy=Luke, older boy=Leia plotwise. ...WHICH IS HILARIOUS, and I am now trying not to DIE at the thought of... oh my GOD, that is so not a thought my mind needed to have.

Excuse me while I am murdered by a young angel king. *Cackles*

Basically, though? Take the best of Star Wars and Firefly, mix it with Amber, throw in a dash of Tolkien and Lewis for good measure, and maybe a touch of Good Omens in the sheer insanity, and you get an idea of what my Angelverse is starting to look like.

Star Wars is like religion: it is a piece of shit. A time-honored, lovable, venerable, enjoyable, and occasionally philosophical piece of shit, but shit nonetheless.

...DAMN, YOUNG HARRISON FORD IS FREAKIN' HOT. How did I not notice this before? *Oogles him* I neeeeeds him as a PB. Dear self: No, no, Cel is bad for this, Cel is bad, Cel has bright red hair like two of his kiddies and a third is strawberry blond (daaaaaamn, maybe I ought to take away Cinaed's sibs before my 'verses get top-heavy in the red-heads, except I LURVES THEM, and...)

Okay, clearly I need a red-headed boyfriend. ...Or a blond one. ...tall and blond would not go amiss... uhm... *shifty eyes...*

Okay, my hormones need calming down now. I'm going to hide.

Also, I can has pretty dresses, I can has knife, I can has awesomeness, I can has total failage, and I can has Star Wars. Bye now.

...I totally need a scene with younger!boy--who fucking needs a name, gods dammit all to hell!--saying "I have a bad feeling about this..."

Or possibly 'tanna. Or Jalen? No, that's not so much his line. One of the red-headed twins. *Snickers* Also 'cause... they're far more like Mal, and Mal(/Han) would say that.

...Mal/Han. Oh shit. I read one too many Bad Slash PPCs, or too many sporks... *Brain: fizzles and dies*

We are interrupting this transmission. It has degenerated into insanity and fangirlism. We hope to return to your regularly scheduled programming...

...Sometime in the future. We don't know when. Thank you. Oh, and, uh, have a nice day.

That was a fucking Buffy rip-off! A CREEPY Buffy rip-off! Now even snarky mental commentary on MYSELF is going insane...

...I did say to move along, didn't I? Do so.

To being an US for once, instead of a them...!

2008-04-20T17:29:40Z

Okay.

So.

Remember how I'm going to MIT? It gets awesomer and awesomer. I'll tell the story of my Not-Leatherman-Knife later today. Once I'm back from Lucy.

BUT.

MIT: Betsy, Kendra, my new gayboy friend hopefully (I THINK so) who will TOTALLY SING OUT TONIGHT WITH ME AND DANCES IN LVB WITH ME, Kate, Kimberly, bunches of awesome new people.
Boston: Andrew, loverly people.
Wellesley: Anjali and now KATIE AS WELL WHOOOOOOT.

It's like all my favorite old people (with the exception of Lizbeth) AND cool new ones AND even more I don't know yet! *DAAAAAAANCES*

MIT? IS MY LIFE.

DANCE PARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I'm a fucking hacker-to-be, you'd THINK...

2008-04-19T01:01:53Z

...that I would be able to manage PayPal.

If anyone knows how to pay for this using it, please tell me, 'cause I don't know how to do it. Or how to do money orders, so that's out too.

Yeah, I fail. But dammit, I'm gonna get my lilacs.

...I have a headache.

And a bad day, despite many good things happening. I'm a born teacher, apparently.

But... just...

I'm too fucking tired for life right now. Way too fucking tired. And... just...

I had my escape methods, ya know? And those are currently mostly gone. Except for about one, and I'm... I dunno. I may be able to scrape up a post or two tonight for Sonora. But...

But. I can't. Maybe I'll work on Shia and Cel tonight. Even though I should be writing fucking pocverse. I can't handle it tonight, though. Because I'll write that patrol, and I can't deal with the nervous breakdown it would entail.

Why do things end? Why do people die?

Is it just to balance an equation?

What do you do with a B.A. in...?

2008-04-17T14:56:38Z

I want a part-time job teaching.

Preferably teaching high school calculus, regular track. Aaaaah, so much fun. SO much fun.

And I even explained limits using Xeno's Paradox a la football today. *Gleeees*

I wants food. Hmm.

Happy birthday to my childhood love. Who has been less of an ass to me lately, so I will wish him a happy birthday with true joy.

It's almost over, people--and I'm slowly getting happier. And...

If I can just write this fucking paper and my ISP, I'll be golden. Golden, and happy, and... my life will make sense again.

In my Jenness' idiom, peace out.

"Mark has got his work," they say, "Mark lives for his work..."

2008-04-16T02:53:13Z

So.

I'm going to sleep now. Because I won't be sleeping for most of the next two weeks. I think I may say I'm well and truly hosed.

Literally. And tomorrow I have to write a paper--but I would have done it before, except I'm bloody SICK and choir interfered. I'm justified. Anyway. This is my last post before I go die from the stress or something. 'Cause I literally cannot afford to sleep for most of the next two weeks.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Starry, starry night...

2008-04-14T17:59:39Z

So...

Yeah.

I get excited about SEVENTY FIVES ON TESTS NOW. *Facepalm* I hate it. I was hoping for at LEAST a B on that test, but hopefully that'll pull my grade firmly up to the C range, and the ISP will help. Which is fucking GOOD, as I don't know ANYTHING that's happening now.

I'm also sick as a dog now. Hacking up a lung, practically. Argh. I don't need this shit, seriously. And I'm not really even hosed, and I FEEL like I am. Kendra would laugh at me SO much. *Guilty*

I want it to be fucking September already.

So I'll sit here and cough and cough until it's time for me to go to rehearsal with my group.

It's funny how much I really do like certain people at my school. And Tom's been nice to me lately. Like, he said goodbye to me once. It's nice, actually. Healing, in a way, to leave our old mutual sneering behind and work together to perform just once, for one small celebration of our lives we've shared for seven years with our friends.

I would never want to stay. I want it to end. It's over and done with. But... it doesn't mean that, in the end, I don't like them a little, and it doesn't mean that I won't think of a few happy moments with fondness. There were good things that happened to me, the last seven years of my life. There really were. Friendships, parties, jokes, laughter, concerts, jams, trips, hijinx, pirate hats, power tools, gaffe tape, stories, worlds that came to life, and a lot of love. A lot of learning to love and trust. Maybe it hurt like hell in the end, and I learned why you have to be cautious about love, but...

But there was a lot of love. And there were some really fucking wonderful things.

And some truly beautiful songs.

Not long now, people. Soon.

*Listens to MIT a capella groups.*

Remember all the songs you sang for me...

2008-04-14T02:53:06Z

Ye gods. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or what is happening, or anything. That song comes on--it was on the disc of the MIT/Wellesley Toons, which I admittedly bought for this song--and I start crying and wanting to die.

I just... gods, this song hits me in a place I don't even know how to describe. ...It's possibly somewhere in the small intestine, based on where I'm currently pointing. I think it's a little low for the stomach. ....Ignore my strangeness, really. I'm allowed to be insane nowadays.

Anyway. I had a point for this post, really. Just... the... sadness of this song is killing my soul temporarily. ...I wonder if I could write with Shia with this? Shia/Celadan being my shinynew OTP. They're... guh. They have problems, but they're LEGIT, and he sees sense when logic provides proof she's not a bitch. I love Shia, the poor abused girl. And CELADAN...! Ack, he's amazhing.

Before I go rambling on, I'll cut myself off. Before that, however, in honor of the "Yes" button I clicked earlier today...

*Pause, then geeks out* First a story. A New Year's Story. I'll call it... The Story of One-Sided-Rivalries-Between-Schools.

(I fail.)

There was once a university. Let's call it... oh, H University. It was a fine old school of high standing, with ivy vines and old stones and a good reputation and lots of rich alumni and a "vard" at the end of its name, and a yard that rhymed with it very well. Let's call it... H Yard. So, it was orientation of 1990, and the organizers at H University thought "Wouldn't it be just swell if we put a plaque in our Yard and had our freshmen search for it? It'll build a sense of community and bonding, and when they find it they will present it to the president, and we'll accept it with great ceremony and full academic regalia, and it will be their acceptance into our wonderful world and university."

Pro: Lovely idea. Or at least suitably trite.
Con: Certain students of a rival university across the river--across the H Bridge, in fact, otherwise known as the Mass Avenue Bridge as H is an unspeakable word--heard about this plan. They were, in fact, hackers. Hackers meaning pranksters, if you will. This school has a long tradition of hacking.

So, the night before the search was to be held, the students of this university snuck over to H Yard, searched out the plaque, found it, and took it. The next morning, the president of their own university arrived at work to find a package on his desk. This was before the days of Anthrax, so it hadn't been opened. So he looks at it, and looks at it, and opens it, and inside there is this heavy piece of metal. It was left with this note:

"We give you this small token in appreciation of your
years of dedication to our traditional Tech values.

We hope you enjoy having this little bit of their tradition. It might
amuse you to know that the H Class of '94 spends an evening
searching H Yard for what is now in your hands. . . Please feel
free to dispose of the gift as you see fit."

And, of course, what else could the president do... but present it to the president of H University... with great ceremony... and full academic regalia... in front of the whole world.

Welcome to MIT.

Simply couldn't be happier... Well, not simply...

2008-04-13T23:21:14Z

Because getting your dreams,
It's strange, but it seems
A little, well, complicated...
There's a kind of a sort of... cost
There's a couple of things get... lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you've crossed
Until you've crossed...

And if that joy, that... thrill
Doesn't thrill like you think it will...

Still.

Except, in my case... it's not a BAD not-like-I-thought. Not at all.

It's... it's so strange. It's right. It feels right. It's almost as magnificent as Columbia, but less... strident, and... and it...

It's right. I hope I get into Random. I'm unofficially moving in even if I don't. Seriously, I am. I'm in love. I'm so...

I'm so happy.

I'm back in my room in my parent's apartment now. I won't call it home exactly anymore. Not now.

A month left. Less, even. Two weeks until my Synth paper is due. Last of classes.

And then... it's over. All of it.

It's done. And I can be... happy. There really are people like me in the world, people who are warm and welcoming and really fucking insane and geeky and do really crazy dangerous shit. And...

I'll... I'll go into more detail, tell stories, talk about some of my new friends and my new home... later. Maybe not much later.

After I've sealed it. Gods, I hope I don't fuck up. Because I can see my life, and it's there. It's all just... right there.

Entertainment and hacking

2008-04-12T09:22:56Z

...I'm exhausted.

Absolutely exhausted. I'm... I got in about an hour ago, less than that even. It's about five o'clock now. *Rubs eyes* And it's so late there's NO reason for me to take out my contacts. Ah well.

Still. Rooftops and sneaking around and meeting Jack (...and Jack and Jack and Jack and Jack and Jack and...) was totally worth it, as was hanging out at Random even if I didn't have pancakes.

Yes, I'll explain everything eventually. Swear.

...Soon's everything's all... set in stone and stuff.

I'm not sure I'm ready for all this.

Also? I'm this close to telling Delany to fucking spell and grammar check her posts. Just... dear GODS argh.

Also, Ian is a slick, sleazy, little bastard. Can be charming, apparently, but no heart. *Sneers at him* Ugh. I hate the character. The player, however, is pretty damn good. Kaden took exception to his attitude and actually said thirteen words at one go. I was shocked. Tyrone is antisocial and is probably going to run into trouble with a sadist girl who's hanging out. Also, I SWEAR Delany is making eyes at boys. As in, noting the similarity of color of eyes and it's MAKING ME REALLY FUCKING SICK.

...Ugh. Alcohol. Nice guy in the entry I'm bunking in, but a frat guy. And MAN he is hammered. Came in, chatted with me... luckily I could be so wrapped up in my laptop as to not give him the time of day. Yey subtle discouragement. Slash leave me alone. Think I'm gonna sleep soon. ...Apparently there's... a guy. Hanging around somewhere. *Weirded out* Ugh.

Off to send Tyrone packing to his room, and then bed. ...And Matt, hon? You're dead drunk. Go sleep. And leave me the fuck alone now, thanks.