The day I use THAT as my subject line?  You know I lost my mind. Seriously. Me. Avril. My cognitive abilities have vanished.

A) Postmodernism? Is SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT I HATE THEM.

B) ......

Uhm.

I need to learn to... not look at my profile to check to see if the couple people I friended lately friended back. Not 'cause of them (Trojie, you rock my socks, really).  Just... things change. And I don't know when, but I realize later that I missed something really major and I'm still stumbling along behind in stupid, hopeful, naive innocence, and... yeah.  Anyway. ...I don't really have to be tactful anymore. No one to be tactful to. *Melancholy sigh*

Gods, I shouldn't ever look at it.  Just... glad to know I'm not that... whatever. I don't feel like using the first word that occurs to me, because I want to avoid thinking about screaming arguments.  I'm too tired for them.  I think I've still lost faith in human loyalty.  ...Except not really, 'cause... I have Heather, and Tessa, and LG and Jenn, and Katie and all my wonderful Cambridge buddies, and Betsy and my school friends and they DO EXIST it's amazing, and...

It's so strange, isn't it, how one person can affect your whole world outlook?  I suppose that, as I have no reason to be tactful, I'll add that the word I was looking for is juvenile.  But... I don't fully have the energy to care anymore.

It's almost over. It has to be.

...I'm very tired. *Pause* Except that, when I say that, and my first thought is to just... sleep, to let it all go away...

And then I stop. Because I don't want it to let it all go. Not ever.  It's all I have, you know? Let it hurt, let me scream and cry... it's life. And one's a bloody idiot if one doesn't see that.  Or let it go...

And therein lies the dividing line.  Sorry, July. You're wrong about me and Tyroshaun. Because I'm not willing to give up. Ever. ...Closer to Adrian that way, ass though he can be--but he chose to live. There's a difference--and one which I need to make clear--between not wanting to die and wanting to live. He gave up. See... he and Adrian have... similarities. Except that Adrian was ALWAYS the sweet, gentle guy, very self-effacing, and he became rather bitter and dangerous and, well, psychotic; a young Tyroshaun was much more dynamic (closer to a mix of Celtan and Adrian), more charismatic, less self-effacing--and then he discovered that he was not, in fact, a god on earth, that he was incredibly fallible and couldn't do everything, and discovered it traumatically enough that he... gave up on ever actually living at about the age of eighteen. ...Which, strangely enough, is a completely consistent character trait and has been for years now. I think I pretty well straddle the two boys in character--but you're wrong about me and Tyroshaun in particular. We share things, 'cause I love him and made him a lot of what I wanted to be and what I am still afraid of being... but there are fundamental differences in outlook. I partially blame his testosterone poisoning. 

...anyway.  Uhm.  i'm gonna... go do that thing where ya reject colleges. And, y'know... try not to cry and stuff.

I want to go home.

...I don't know where that is anymore.

(I'm Shia now? ...I wonder how Nate's doing.)

If you do happen to read this, Aubrey... I've said before that talking would be nice.  That the lack-of-talking has been rather... detrimental to my mental state. And it would be nice.  Really.  It gets damn quiet around here sometimes.

WHY is Luke such a failing, whiney brat? ARGH. Also, why is Han so pretty? I hadn't actually, uh, noticed this before. But he IS.  ...Sad thing is, I'm looking at him, and...

Uh. I keep wanting to see Celadan. *Flailhide* A young Celadan, obviously, as older!Celadan is scarred and broken and bears very little resemblance to his younger self (which is, y'know... good, for many reasons).

If he weren't so manly, I'd make him the younger boy, and have older-boy=Luke, younger-boy=Han, and a really weird twisted sort of grandda=Palpatine and Cel is the embittered but not actually EVIL version of Anakin, except he's really more like Corwin than Anakin because Anakin's a PSYCHOPATH which I have to admit even clip-winged Cel is not.  Mildly sociopathic or obsessive, yes, but not psychopathic. He'd never countenance murdering hundreds of innocent people. Actually, come to think of it, younger boy=Luke, older boy=Leia plotwise. ...WHICH IS HILARIOUS, and I am now trying not to DIE at the thought of... oh my GOD, that is so not a thought my mind needed to have.

Excuse me while I am murdered by a young angel king. *Cackles*

Basically, though? Take the best of Star Wars and Firefly, mix it with Amber, throw in a dash of Tolkien and Lewis for good measure, and maybe a touch of Good Omens in the sheer insanity, and you get an idea of what my Angelverse is starting to look like.

Star Wars is like religion: it is a piece of shit.  A time-honored, lovable, venerable, enjoyable, and occasionally philosophical piece of shit, but shit nonetheless.

...DAMN, YOUNG HARRISON FORD IS FREAKIN' HOT. How did I not notice this before? *Oogles him* I neeeeeds him as a PB. Dear self: No, no, Cel is bad for this, Cel is bad, Cel has bright red hair like two of his kiddies and a third is strawberry blond (daaaaaamn, maybe I ought to take away Cinaed's sibs before my 'verses get top-heavy in the red-heads, except I LURVES THEM, and...)

Okay, clearly I need a red-headed boyfriend. ...Or a blond one.  ...tall and blond would not go amiss... uhm... *shifty eyes...*

Okay, my hormones need calming down now.  I'm going to hide.

Also, I can has pretty dresses, I can has knife, I can has awesomeness, I can has total failage, and I can has Star Wars. Bye now.

...I totally need a scene with younger!boy--who fucking needs a name, gods dammit all to hell!--saying "I have a bad feeling about this..."

Or possibly 'tanna. Or Jalen? No, that's not so much his line.  One of the red-headed twins. *Snickers* Also 'cause... they're far more like Mal, and Mal(/Han) would say that.

...Mal/Han. Oh shit. I read one too many Bad Slash PPCs, or too many sporks... *Brain: fizzles and dies*

We are interrupting this transmission. It has degenerated into insanity and fangirlism. We hope to return to your regularly scheduled programming...

...Sometime in the future. We don't know when.  Thank you.  Oh, and, uh, have a nice day.

That was a fucking Buffy rip-off! A CREEPY Buffy rip-off! Now even snarky mental commentary on MYSELF is going insane...

...I did say to move along, didn't I? Do so.

I'm definitely moving philosophical ramblings and writing rants and stuff over to

leetrynace, if you're interested.  Go friend it. I have to layout it and all.  Not ALL of it, obviously--random little things will stay here.  But the big stuff, the content-heavy posts... all that's going over there. Also any and all philosophical rambles.

I probably, hypothetically speaking, should be using Mini-Elphie. But I don't feel like it.  I think I may use that for fanfic type stuff, or smaller fanfic stuff.  Or... dunno. I need it for archival purposes, but mostly I'm abandoning that one.

I was very tempted to use, as my header/sub-header "Because God is dead."/"Life is shit, and then you die."  Seriously, I'm a displaced modernist. Instead, I stuck with Theseus' speech from Midsummer V i.  Uhm.

I meant to do something. Oh well.  Oh, I added to my links list--added an Orpheus. He sings. I will let you guess who that is.  *Drooooools over that voice*

...They're talking about the Joker.  And Ledger. *Curls up a little* I wantsa Jalen.

Okay. I have no idea anymore who looks like who, except that changing one of these would mean my whole world view shifting. ...Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  My list, though, is: Adam Pascal, Noah Huntley, Heath Ledger, Viggo Mortensen (blond or brunette, either works for me!), Tim Howar (he's so CUUUTE!), young Colin Firth... hmm... mostly those. So yes.

...I REALLY need to sleep. I got about, oh, an hour and a half last night. But it'll come after rehearsal, physics, and my voice lesson.

Because God is dead, and life is shit, and then you die.

Come on. You know it's true.

 

Meme ganked from birdzilla:

Name seven of your characters/muses.
1) Tyroshaun Kaleaster
2) Cinaed Kaleaster
3) Neran
4) Kaden
5) Aderais Myreneith
6) Breniaren Eviarence
7) Robin Thorne

 

Meant to post this yesterday, but then I thought LJ had eaten it.  So here it is.

AHAHAHAHA.

An (a? OFUM and HFA have polluted my head; I worry about articles, proper uses of commas and semi-colons, GrammarBootCamp and Punctuation Rain) L&L update:

So, at last count... four different cultural heritages.  Speaks three languages fluently as though native to him, because his parents used three languages when talking to him as a baby, speaks the other more or less fluently as well.

His mother is the one who knew two languages, his father only knew one and SUCKS at foreign languages.

Apparently, she considers this payback for him speaking only in gaelic around the ickle. *Snicker* And just said it TOTALLY offhand.

I love that woman.

*Snickers* House, to Wilson, in the preview for next episode (which is TUESDAY WHOOT!)  See, they ARE gay together!

Anyway. The point of this post: (WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD FOR WILSON'S LOVE LIFE!)

*I'm watching House with m'dad.  I see Wilson's girlfriend*
Dad: Whoa.
Me: ... *Jawdrop* Cutthroat bitch?!
House: ... *Jawdrop* Cutthroat bitch?!
Me: *SHRIEKS*
Dad: *Cracks up*

It is official.  I am turning into House.

...Okay, so I just told Caroline this. And she goes "Ouch." Me: "...It's not bad! He's genius! ...Okay, is it bad that I don't think turning into Greg House is a bad thing?"

Apparently it is.

I don't even care that it's a bad thing.  My god, I really AM turning into him. *Dead*

...In other news, despite my general dislike of LJ RPs and fandom RPs... I lurves my Mendanbar and my Dream. And I may have exactly one chance to grab 'em. And I've TOTALLY got a Dream in my head ANYWAY--he and Tyroshaun are always hanging out and being depressively, nobly, tragically heroic together. *Eyeroll* Boys.

Odd, that. I want basically my newest and oldest fandoms. Huh. Very strange. ...And the two tall, slender, dark-haired men. ...So I'm predictable, so shoot me.

...I just realized Mendanbar has grey eyes, and that was one of the things I loved about him. At the age of eleven. ...I have no further commentary to make. Because really, there's nothing to say.

ALSO! OHMIGODHOUSEISSOAMAZINGILOVESHIM!

*Sighs* So a teacher couldn't make it to this... writers gala thing and my old English teacher asked me at the last minute. Turns out the EiC of Imag was going ANYWAY and this other girl who doesn't even write as far as I know. And I'm the fucking last minute stand in. AND WRITING ACTUALLY MEANS SOMETHING TO ME WHEN IT TOTALLY DOESN'T TO THOSE TWO. ARGH.

I hate that man. Honestly I do.

Anyway, fun thing even if I wore a skirt.  And I got a hug from a history teacher from the middle school, even though he never had me. He likes me. And told me to give mom a hug for him. He's the sweetest guy. His wife's cool too. (She's an author, was one of the speakers.)

I have a splitting headache.

I missed a hello from Tessa, though, and a call from Sarah. I feel bad and lonely.

But... I'm writing. I may have found a place for Natan in Apocalypse!verse, I think--I love him so much, I couldn't help it. It's not set in stone, really, as I really want him somewhere where I can play with class marriage stuff, so he might move around depending. But for the moment he's in Apocalypse!verse and a standin. And he makes a good peon--I mean, rich enough that he got a lieutenancy but  still had to go to the war and not high enough to be all safely out of harm's way.

And Jen? I've started that SiC scene. Be happy.  *Sighs* I love Neran. And he does so much. Neran's the catalyst for a rediscovered appreciation of life, basically. Oh, male bonding stories. Without gay undertones. At least, no intentional ones. They're so not gay together, really they're not at all. I love it.

Mental note to self: play with some gay guys in this regiment and have them flirt with the cute captain. Muchly needed.

Anyway.  Uhm.  *sighs* Oh, right. That's why I wanted Natan. Nevermind. He can play elsewhere, I guess. Probably Elemental!verse, where he belongs.  Or belongs better.  (Side note: odd, that in Bard!verse there's no singing magic. ...Or that I have none whatsoever yet. That's incredibly out of character for me. Must remedy that.)

Anyway, a quick note about names, for the sake of my own reference: Kalenes--once Kialort (Keye-al-ort) and Perenes, probably duchies or something, combined to be Kalenes.  Kialort names tend to be a lot more... hard consonants, ts and zs and ks, more is and o sounds (eg, the entire main family).  Perenes names tend to be more... soft-consonants, as and es and flowing (eg, Neran and Leransen and Desanen).  Obviously lots of "en" names. Valira are much more... vowel based names, and more... something. I haven't dealt with Valira enough yet to know.

'Nother one of those days. Luckily Doc's out sick, so I have some time to learn math. Went home at lunch to sleep all afternoon. Was that burned.

Anyway.

I'm just... tired and burned out and it's tech week and I'm about ready to keel over and die.  Ah well.

Mansfield Park on Masterpiece Theatre annoyed the fuck out of me. And Fanny was fugly.

...I realized earlier that it was Jonathon Larson day last Friday. Huh. I forgot in the hell that was trying to get Imagination in.

I miss Jared.

Uhm. And on Caroline's behalf, an announcement: Sonora is an HP RP. It's a school in Arizona. Canon-related characters are Prohibited.  It's basically taking the world, saying "Screw you JK," and playing in it.  It needs applicants for this year's first year class to start term, which I REALLY WANT TO HAPPEN. (The owner, for all who care, adored my two applications.  HAH, I win all. And I have a child prodigy genius who's a hair away from wanting to kill an applied character who is apparently an eleven year old ninja who has written a book. WTF, I know. STUPID people.  Anyway, so my little genius boy is this close to challenging him to a fight and kicking his sorry ass by sheer persistence.  He apparently has a vicious dislike of 'Sues and 'Stus. I love him.)  You can only apply two first years at a time.  It needs lots more.  So. Uhm.

Not that anyone'll read this or notice, 'cept LG who already knows (dear, I think the owner would love a second character from you, go ahead and apply one if you haven't 'cause apparently she needs lots more applicants...), maybe Evie who I mean to talk to anyway, Aubrey who I'm sure is A) uninterested and B) too busy and C) things I don't feel like discussing in public and re: emails or Evie if you actually want to know, Alex who probably also doesn't have the time/energy/internet availability, Katie who doesn't RP, and Jen who is A) overworked and B) MIA.  So yeah. Uhm.

So leave a comment or give an IM/Gmail/MSN pokey if you wish to join in the incredibly hormonal teenagers + proximity = Melodrama, or just want more information on it.

Oh, also, they are in desperate need of an astronomy teacher. So consider that, too.

EDIT: ...Whoa. I just tried doing the Mary Sue litmus test. And I've successfully avoided Sueness with some of them for certain. I mean, really. I'm actually really proud of myself. I know what I'm doing.  Even having checked the "Yes, I get tetchy when my characters get insulted" box. I have enough de-Sueifying qualities (like, say, giving up after failing--although admittedly "failing" in that case constituted "dying," so... uh. Ooops.)  ...And I did it for another character or two I always liked and was getting... iffy about. And I was right. Sueishness was setting in. I knew there was a reason.

EDIT: OH MY GOD NEW IDINA CD MY LIFE IS MADE FOR THE REST OF TODAY WHICH IS NOT MUCH BUT OH WELL AAAAAH.

My head's woozy.

And I feel vaguely nauseous.

And my father's in my bedroom building his damn computer. I'm kicking him out soon, I think. So I can sleep and get up early to do physics. Ugh.

I wish I'd been more awake this evening, but... I really wasn't. At all. I'd've liked to keep writing. I have inspiration again.  And Shattered!verse FINALLY clicked more into place than before. *Sigh of relief* And I get to have magical critters there, too.  ...And Elemental!verse has minor magical!critters. Not nearly as exaggerated as Shattered!verse, which is also the ritual-type magic place. Which is odd in and of itself, for me. I'm so elementally oriented it's sad.

But... yeah. Good day writing wise. LG, you save my ass. Really. Sorry I didn't do Denerais, unless I did by the time I went to sleep.  Just... I more or less keeled over and died.

I'm... in a bad mood. I hate having things hanging over me. But I feel so much better in many ways than I did yesterday.  Christina... and LG especially. Worldbuilding soothes me, apparently. As does writing about death and realizing what I'm trying to say about it in this one piece.

On which note, Tyroshaun finally started speaking to me again. I mean, he was talking to me. He's nice that way. Big brotherish.  But... damn.  He apparently is mad at me, actually, but he's capable of talking to me other than either mocking bad singers or idiots or making me laugh.  And Cinaed's back. He'd been gone for a little while. And apparently has a stronger tendency than before to speaking in high brow polite tones. *eyeroll* He's as bad or WORSE than Giles.  But amusing. (The guy on TDS last night apparently tried to say "You're fucked" in a Scottish accent. Cinaed mocked his failage at that. And earned a thwap from his wife. It amused me greatly.)

I want a Regency dress. Badly. Or Buffy's dress.

Also, I'm looking longingly at spaceships right now. Spaceships and alien races and... gah. My head is bad today. *Sigh* Physics now.

(...Why do I want to say I miss Jon?)

John (gayboy lead singer at school) was nice enough to call me and tell me rehearsal was moved back to 8pm, so I got to sleep extra long this afternoon. Thank god.

I fail at life.

but... mainly, at the moment... Heath Ledger's dead.  Y'know, I mean, I wasn't a huge fan, and it's mostly just hitting me 'cause it's so soon after Jared and he's a blond young looking type like Jared was.  And that it was an overdose, but apparently not a suicide.

And... well.

*Sighs* Well, I was planning my arranged!marriage storything earlier anyway. So that... makes me feel... somewhat better, I guess. Not really. But I can pretend it does.

Weirdest fucking year.

 EDIT: "I watched him even then as he fell, his face undefeated, his eyes still proud[...] the Morningstar."

Fucking hell, Gaiman. Why do you kill me? Just... agh. And the only blood, and... WHY?! AAAACH. Just... gods above, that thing just about stopped my heart.

So I have associations--so screw me.  But... Valar preserve me.  That line just... it just about stopped my heart.

I feel useless.