Because getting your dreams,
It's strange, but it seems
A little, well, complicated...
There's a kind of a sort of... cost
There's a couple of things get... lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you've crossed
Until you've crossed...

And if that joy, that... thrill
Doesn't thrill like you think it will...

Still.

Except, in my case... it's not a BAD not-like-I-thought.  Not at all.

It's... it's so strange.  It's right.  It feels right.  It's almost as magnificent as Columbia, but less... strident, and... and it...

It's right.  I hope I get into Random.  I'm unofficially moving in even if I don't.  Seriously, I am.  I'm in love.  I'm so...

I'm so happy.

I'm back in my room in my parent's apartment now.  I won't call it home exactly anymore.  Not now.

A month left.  Less, even.  Two weeks until my Synth paper is due. Last of classes.

And then... it's over.  All of it.

It's done. And I can be... happy. There really are people like me in the world, people who are warm and welcoming and really fucking insane and geeky and do really crazy dangerous shit.  And...

I'll... I'll go into more detail, tell stories, talk about some of my new friends and my new home... later. Maybe not much later.

After I've sealed it.  Gods, I hope I don't fuck up.  Because I can see my life, and it's there. It's all just... right there.

...

I want to go die. I'm tired, I'm stressing, I'm incapable of working, I'm a horrible person, I won't get to go to the school I want to go to most, I hate my school I'm at, I'm going to hugely disappoint my parents, and everything's my fault, and I'm alone, and I want to cry hysterically, and I can't.

At least I finally named Celadan and Shia. Well, Shia's only half-named, but still.  something-rashia.  I like them.  Celadan's older brother needs a name. Not that he's in much but that one history arc thing, but...

I can't even bloody focus on writing the thing I'm SUPPOSED to be writing and just sit here playing with a hugely melodramatic love story. And I hate melodrama.  But I want to play with court intrigue, and... yargh.

Bren and Rania: arranged marriage, start to like each other, get screwed over by his brother,
Celadan and Shia: He courts her and actually loves her, she rather likes him (quite a bit) but doesn't really love him and marries him for political reasons. Get screwed over by her family.
Elemental!verse: there's a love match with political ramifications, but it's mainly two mages who just understand each other better than anyone else could.
Shattered!verse: arranged match, friendly enough, they're never in love per se.
Apocalypse!verse: ...Tifami marries... whatshisname, I forget who, eventually. For love (which rather startles her).  Neran marries a nice girl who grew up around the school and who's got a kid. (Neran's the CUTEST surrogate dad. And the cutest nonsexual soulmate EVER.)  Other notes... uhm... geezes. There are some arranged and/or political marriages that don't turn out so well running around, but I have a lower incidence of nobility in 'poc!verse than the others. Possibly because in the others the main characters are, respectively: second son and later crown prince, bastard son of the king who's actually good friends with his legitimate older brother, people from all different social classes, and a crown prince. ...Okay, well, really Glen's the focus of Shattered, but the prince (who nees to be renamed... I hate his name at the moment) is the one with the marriage involved. But 'poc!verse? Mostly lower class people involved. Literally, the merchant-scholar class is about the very highest it gets.

And that pointless ramble was mainly to keep from having a nervous breakdown.  Because right now I honestly want to go cry.

...Summer. Come summer, a new beginning.  Rebirth.

...I wonder if I'll be in the Orkneys on the solstice. Maybe I can find the Standing Stones mentioned in that Loreena McKennitt song that morning, though due to the time I won't be able to be there when I'd like to be, but at least I can stay in my room and watch the dawn...

It really was all decided a couple weeks ago.

I'm actually not too upset, except with the realization that their criteria mean they really are exactly like my school is now.  That's a depressing realization.

If you can't read my subject, you may wait for enlightenment. But I gets my Bettis and my Andrew and possibly my Katie (you knooooow you want to... *Giggles* Kidding. Except sorta not. *Loves!*)

Once I hear from Tessa... life is set.

Now, to not fail math so I can keep that rather odd subject expression...

..........After the concert.  I'll be back with singingness later!

 *Criiiiies*

I can't deal with this morning anymore. I just can't.  It's too much.  ALL OF IT. *Weeps*

Okay. so FIRST, our choir director doesn't show up for choir. Even my gayboy who NEVER COMES WAS ON TIME, and he didn't come, we left at 7:15... and sure enough, director shows up at 7:20. *Weeps* I'm gonna get yelled at in MTAP...

Then I have that concert tonight. *Cries* I'm not sure I'm off-music and I rlywannabe. My gayboy is singing "I Could Be In Love With Someone Like You." Y'know, the Irish girl song that later became "Shiksa Goddess." I kinda wanna squee-and-die. Because... EEH HE'S DOIN' JAMIE WELLERSTEIN! *DAAANCE* He nearly did "King of the World," which woulda made me even happier. Gyaaaaah, I lurves that song.  I need to dragoon him into singing that for me some time for the helluvit.

What else?

Stanfordsa buncho' losers. 7.5/9, 7.5/12 (that's 83 1/3% and 62.5%, which given the list is not half bad) and I'll hear tonight and I DO NOT HAVE THE EMOTIONAL RESERVES FOR ANY OF THIS ANYMORE OKAY? I just don't. I can't handle my life right now. I want to go die in a corner.

Also? Neran makes my life a little brighter.

'scusi while I go die now.

(It's so damnedly close...)

The above has been brought to you by Luke I Am Your Father Quotes Inc.

Please ignore my insanity.

I'm now going to demonstrate a perfect nervous breakdown.

*Deep breath*

WHY?!?!?! WHY IS IT A WEEK?!?!?! WHY?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *WEEEPS* AND WHY THE DAY OF THE CONCERT I WILL BE USELESS BECAUSE I WILL COME HOME AND LOUNGE FOR THIRTY MINUTES IN A NERVOUS PANIC AND CHECK ONE AND ANOTHER AND THEN THE ONLY REALLY IMPORTANT ONE AND HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND WEEP AND CRY AND WHY DO I HAVE TO SING AND I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE AND WHY AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH *CRIES* AND I CAN'T DO THIS OUT OF CHEESE ERROR REINSTALL UNIVERSE ++++

We interrupt this programme. Apparently sanity needs to be either redefined or reinstalled. Or simply reconstructed.  We hope to return you to your regularly scheduled programming as soon as possible.  Thank you for your patience.

There is a memo to announce that a friend has said that apparently Scotland's main national product is hot guys, and you are to expect much squeeage this summer on said subject. ...We will pretend that was never said.

EDIT: Yey for hardcopies. And yey. ... *CRIES*IALMOSTDUNWANNAGETINCAUSEILOVETHEOTHERANDWAAAAAAAAAH...

We are sorry we misjudged the functionality of the system. Please check back later.

First news: 5/12 and batting 1000 so far. I laugh in your face, Rutledge.

Ignore that, and the subject. Really. I'm in a decidedly... odd mood.  But I thought I'd share this:

"Sometimes you just have a bad day.

 

The people who tell stories are just like anyone else. The difference, though, is that if something in their life goes all wahooni-shaped, they have someone to take it out on -- the fictional characters that inhabit their created worlds. Thus, you occasionally end up with a story taking a sharp left turn into the author's psyche. Characters can die left and right, the teenaged hero's schoolteacher will be a sadistic tormentor, and no one's love life has any chance of turning out well.

 

Note that this doesn't necessarily make it bad; some shows have achieved their highest ratings in the middle of a bout of Creator Breakdown. However, look out for the Writer On Board.

 

Of course, it's hard to tell when Creator Breakdown is happening, and when it's a case of Genre Shift for some artistic reason; you shouldn't put an example here unless you have it from the mouth of the creator themselves. That said... "

Besides Severus Snape (*Snorts*) and that fool Anne Rice... my favorite is this one:

"By her own admission, much of the widely-disliked Season 6 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer is a rehashing of writer Marti Noxon's own personal issues. "

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Not at her personal issues, of course. Just... So THAT's why it sucked. Marti, I'm sure you have problems--but that's what counselors are for. Instead you scarred us for life. I'm ashamed of you.

Anyways.  I'm in a decidedly odd mood. I'm now addicted to TV Tropes. Oh well. 

EDIT: On the "Too Dumb to Live" page:

The character who drives the plot by doing things that no sane human being would do. Walking down the alley alone to tell her friend about the serial killer. Telling her best friend not to tell anybody, but she has a crush on somebody. Walking through the streets of Sunnydale after dark. Being Lana Lang. Not only possessing Genre Blindness, but putting Zaphod Beeblebrox's Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses on over it. 

AHAHAHAHAHA.  SUNNYDALE. SO TRUE THOUGH.

Okay. So, partly because it's highly unlikely that I will either A) post tomorrow before the strike or B) about anything other than my day with my Tessa-thing, I thought I'd get some thoughts down

1. I am in deep shit.
2. I need to do my math. I need to not fail that class. Because I have places to go and things to do--and the thing is, I CAN. I didn't think I could.  I'd forgotten there was a time I arrogantly assumed I'd have all these choices.  ...Except... I'm not stupid, and I know this.  Or I did.  I started thinking I was for a while. But I need to go do my math. (Gods, I want these two weeks over. I need to know what's on the table. If I get REALLY arrogant about my geniusosity later, seriously, forgive me. I hadn't realized my mind was still worth something.)
3. I really need to get over my writing block.  Or rather, not block so much as... incapacitation.  I can't do it. I want to, so badly.  I want to be myself again. And I can't. And I know why, and I hate it, and I hate that I can be so deeply affected.  I need to not have my heart on my sleeve all the time, I need to get my head straightened.  I have worlds to create, wide open fields begging for description, and I can't get myself to do them.  And it's been a year or more since I've had the energy and willpower for it.
4. I really ought to start doing a PPC'ing to relieve stress.  It's not BAD that I have to ask permission again; I was once a very stupid young newbie, back in... September, October, whenever it was.  But... I don't have quite the confidence I did then, despite having more confirmation that I OUGHT to, and it's making me camera shy.
5. ...I need to seriously figure out why I felt the way I did about things, and if my adoration came from projection based on people I love.  But... I will have a very serious decision in front of me, very soon, and possibly multiple ones.  And I need to decide where my priorities lie... *Sighs* I'm not going to be in New York for college. That's pretty much a given.  Even if I had both Barnard AND Columbia on the table, I have serious doubts I'd be there.  I'll be North-East, within easy distance of it, certainly.  But... I thought it was the most important thing to me.  Then half of my reasons weren't there, then most of those half didn't even exist.  And my first priority is the education, and... Utumno agar tummen.  It's that there are places I love, and it's been so long since I saw Columbia... And I wonder if it'll be easier for me to just start fresh. Completely fresh. ...I need to update that profilethingy.
6. I need to deal with my life.
7. I need to actually take my medication, and I need to start eating. Because I'm HAPPY in many ways, except for my recent crying bouts and the complete spazz and sick feeling I get on occasion when looking at my buddy list.  I'm happier than I have been in a long time, and more self-secure and assured of my worth as a person.  But I'm off-meds, unbalanced, and most of all I'm barely eating.  At all. And in a constant state of exhaustion and nausea.  I couldn't get out of bed for a few days, I didn't bathe (sorry 'bout that TMI, but...) and I'm in a near-constant state of anxiety.  Essentially, I'm in the process of a nervous breakdown.

And that's more or less it for now.  Still, hanging out in the shopping centre with my Tessa tomorrow, thank the Valar. I love that girl.

Back to trying to knit now. Haverford, Yale, you guys had damn well better give my Tessa what she deserves. If only so I can drag her by the ear out of the South.

Random shoutouts: LG, Jen-ness, I miss chatting with you guys.  LG, I need to have some worldbuilding chat with you some time, and Jen... just miss you.  You'd better tell me all 'bout how China's been recently at some point.

...and if I end up writing a random filk of The Lumberjack Song on that subject, someone needs to commit me to an asylum.

But... alas, I have at last descended into the depths of complete nerddom.  My closest co-conspirator in the PPC, the lovely julyflame, was good enough to show me a site that had manga uploaded.  A site which I intend to take full advantage of.  At the moment, I'm just getting through OP. But...

Yes. Ph34r me.

Actually, it's just that... I don't know. It's like, it's a different medium from what I'm used to, you know? Like I'm not a huge comic book fan, but I adore sandman.  I guess it's just that I've been toying with Apocalypse!verse and the idea of using it as my experimenting ground. Like... my other various 'verses thus far are pretty straightforward, writingwise. Just standard sci-fi/fantasy books. But I'm trying a REALLY bloody weird style with Apocalypse!verse's first book, and may want to just... play with as many different storytelling methods as I can with it, y'know? Because that's what it is.  It's a world about telling stories as much as anything. (You can tell that I'm heavily, heavily influence by Gaiman and particularly Sandman.) I swore I wouldn't include things like this here, but this is a life development more than anything.

Because I'm going to investigate this other mode of storytelling. ...Besides, it's hilarious watching some of the expressions in manga. Like when people are like "Uhm, you can't do this..." Luffy: "Okay! *Darts off to do just that*" People: *FURYFACEWITHSHARPPOINTYTEETH* YOU IDIOT!

Luffy, btw, is a little... more stupid but sharper in the manga?  Like, he's a lot more prone to doing insane things, but he's... sharper. A lot sharper.  I like it.

BTW, in Boston 10th-13th of April. I'm getting really torn now.  And wondering just what I'll do when faced with certain choices I'm likely to have to make. Still, even if there isn't a choice... WHEE I HAVE THE BEST FALLBACK EVER. *DAAAAAAAAANCE*

But I need to go do math now, so I don't fail.

Tessa tomorrow!

EDIT: Mental note to self: Save Picture As ASAP, before I run out of time, and then do it as I read. 'Cause I CAN, and EEEEEHmanga. AKA Canon Reference! *Daaaance*

I think, in college, my order of language learning will be: Gaelic, Japanese.  'Cause I'm starting to pick up a word here and there, and it seems like a fun language.  Also, because I'm a nerd. (Example: I randomly started telling myself stories last night and using Shakespearean English to do it. As in, full proper grammar, with thees and thous and the whole nine yards. And it was SO PRETTY I nearly cried.)

This is a message from the channel which usually broadcasts the contents of Lee's brain.  Due to technical difficulties, however, this is currently impossible.

We would kindly ask that you ignore that late night angsting post, as we believe the time of night, exhaustion, an anxiety attack, and a build up of effects from a long-term nervous breakdown had damaged the wiring enough as to present you all with that horror.  Particularly horrific was the completely inaccurate portrayal of reality.  Rest assured, this is a test of the continuing functionality of the channel.

We will return you to your regularly scheduled programming as soon as possible.

Thank you for your patience.

THANK WHATEVER POWER GOT ME HOME THIS AFTERNOON, THANK WHATEVER POWRE MADE ME SHEET WHITE AND MADE MY MTAP TEACHER WORRY, THANK WHATEVER POWER SENT THAT FUCKING LETTER TODAY.

...STOP THAT YOU...

Ignore that.  Really. And any random jokes about just who runs this world will be shot dead and the jokester tortured.

Utumno agar tummen.

*Cries, cries, cries*

Good crying. Witness my delayed nervous breakdown.

*Weeps*

(...Although I think the Narrative Laws of Irony are still in full, fine form. Fuck them.)

I want to die now. In a good way. But I still want to.  *Curls up* Nauseous, relieved beyond ability to cope, heartsick... gods I feel like shit.

...In an oddly good way.