Well, I haven't left a note in a while, so.

Still emotionally... not there. At all. I have to not think about anything at all or I start weeping. So.

Need to write... thirty, forty pages by Monday. Wednesday at latest. With graduation shit going on.

I can't stop sleeping all day. Literally.

But tomorrow may be better.  I have... eeeeeevil plans.  Evil, evil plans for world domination through scientific enlightenment. *Cackles madly*

Trojie and I shall conquer the world.

Wait and see. *Grins brightly* Never had so much fun. All due to the fact that birds are living dinos and a cladistics discussion and on how to properly clone a velociraptor. (No, not frogs. Spielberg, you fail.)

When it's ready, there Will Be Much Pimpage. Trust me. 

Anyway. Assuming I have not committed suicide (I won't, I promise, I'm being melodramatic this time, I thought I'd reassure anyone who cares), haven't failed from not writing and not having a presentation, and have not finally gone mad by this time two weeks from now... you will have lots of neat graphics and maybe some interesting posts in my writing journal on hero archetypes and on fanfiction, teen writing, and the Dreaded Mary Sue.

My MIT geek has come out at last. Muahahaha...

*SQUEE* KITTENS! *Glees*

Have I mentioned I need new icons? I really do. I need SCIENCYONES.

The day I use THAT as my subject line?  You know I lost my mind. Seriously. Me. Avril. My cognitive abilities have vanished.

A) Postmodernism? Is SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT I HATE THEM.

B) ......

Uhm.

I need to learn to... not look at my profile to check to see if the couple people I friended lately friended back. Not 'cause of them (Trojie, you rock my socks, really).  Just... things change. And I don't know when, but I realize later that I missed something really major and I'm still stumbling along behind in stupid, hopeful, naive innocence, and... yeah.  Anyway. ...I don't really have to be tactful anymore. No one to be tactful to. *Melancholy sigh*

Gods, I shouldn't ever look at it.  Just... glad to know I'm not that... whatever. I don't feel like using the first word that occurs to me, because I want to avoid thinking about screaming arguments.  I'm too tired for them.  I think I've still lost faith in human loyalty.  ...Except not really, 'cause... I have Heather, and Tessa, and LG and Jenn, and Katie and all my wonderful Cambridge buddies, and Betsy and my school friends and they DO EXIST it's amazing, and...

It's so strange, isn't it, how one person can affect your whole world outlook?  I suppose that, as I have no reason to be tactful, I'll add that the word I was looking for is juvenile.  But... I don't fully have the energy to care anymore.

It's almost over. It has to be.

...I'm very tired. *Pause* Except that, when I say that, and my first thought is to just... sleep, to let it all go away...

And then I stop. Because I don't want it to let it all go. Not ever.  It's all I have, you know? Let it hurt, let me scream and cry... it's life. And one's a bloody idiot if one doesn't see that.  Or let it go...

And therein lies the dividing line.  Sorry, July. You're wrong about me and Tyroshaun. Because I'm not willing to give up. Ever. ...Closer to Adrian that way, ass though he can be--but he chose to live. There's a difference--and one which I need to make clear--between not wanting to die and wanting to live. He gave up. See... he and Adrian have... similarities. Except that Adrian was ALWAYS the sweet, gentle guy, very self-effacing, and he became rather bitter and dangerous and, well, psychotic; a young Tyroshaun was much more dynamic (closer to a mix of Celtan and Adrian), more charismatic, less self-effacing--and then he discovered that he was not, in fact, a god on earth, that he was incredibly fallible and couldn't do everything, and discovered it traumatically enough that he... gave up on ever actually living at about the age of eighteen. ...Which, strangely enough, is a completely consistent character trait and has been for years now. I think I pretty well straddle the two boys in character--but you're wrong about me and Tyroshaun in particular. We share things, 'cause I love him and made him a lot of what I wanted to be and what I am still afraid of being... but there are fundamental differences in outlook. I partially blame his testosterone poisoning. 

...anyway.  Uhm.  i'm gonna... go do that thing where ya reject colleges. And, y'know... try not to cry and stuff.

I want to go home.

...I don't know where that is anymore.

(I'm Shia now? ...I wonder how Nate's doing.)

If you do happen to read this, Aubrey... I've said before that talking would be nice.  That the lack-of-talking has been rather... detrimental to my mental state. And it would be nice.  Really.  It gets damn quiet around here sometimes.

...

I want to go die. I'm tired, I'm stressing, I'm incapable of working, I'm a horrible person, I won't get to go to the school I want to go to most, I hate my school I'm at, I'm going to hugely disappoint my parents, and everything's my fault, and I'm alone, and I want to cry hysterically, and I can't.

At least I finally named Celadan and Shia. Well, Shia's only half-named, but still.  something-rashia.  I like them.  Celadan's older brother needs a name. Not that he's in much but that one history arc thing, but...

I can't even bloody focus on writing the thing I'm SUPPOSED to be writing and just sit here playing with a hugely melodramatic love story. And I hate melodrama.  But I want to play with court intrigue, and... yargh.

Bren and Rania: arranged marriage, start to like each other, get screwed over by his brother,
Celadan and Shia: He courts her and actually loves her, she rather likes him (quite a bit) but doesn't really love him and marries him for political reasons. Get screwed over by her family.
Elemental!verse: there's a love match with political ramifications, but it's mainly two mages who just understand each other better than anyone else could.
Shattered!verse: arranged match, friendly enough, they're never in love per se.
Apocalypse!verse: ...Tifami marries... whatshisname, I forget who, eventually. For love (which rather startles her).  Neran marries a nice girl who grew up around the school and who's got a kid. (Neran's the CUTEST surrogate dad. And the cutest nonsexual soulmate EVER.)  Other notes... uhm... geezes. There are some arranged and/or political marriages that don't turn out so well running around, but I have a lower incidence of nobility in 'poc!verse than the others. Possibly because in the others the main characters are, respectively: second son and later crown prince, bastard son of the king who's actually good friends with his legitimate older brother, people from all different social classes, and a crown prince. ...Okay, well, really Glen's the focus of Shattered, but the prince (who nees to be renamed... I hate his name at the moment) is the one with the marriage involved. But 'poc!verse? Mostly lower class people involved. Literally, the merchant-scholar class is about the very highest it gets.

And that pointless ramble was mainly to keep from having a nervous breakdown.  Because right now I honestly want to go cry.

...Summer. Come summer, a new beginning.  Rebirth.

...I wonder if I'll be in the Orkneys on the solstice. Maybe I can find the Standing Stones mentioned in that Loreena McKennitt song that morning, though due to the time I won't be able to be there when I'd like to be, but at least I can stay in my room and watch the dawn...

It really was all decided a couple weeks ago.

I'm actually not too upset, except with the realization that their criteria mean they really are exactly like my school is now.  That's a depressing realization.

If you can't read my subject, you may wait for enlightenment. But I gets my Bettis and my Andrew and possibly my Katie (you knooooow you want to... *Giggles* Kidding. Except sorta not. *Loves!*)

Once I hear from Tessa... life is set.

Now, to not fail math so I can keep that rather odd subject expression...

..........After the concert.  I'll be back with singingness later!

Don't even ask about the subject. It sounded like a song to me. (I'm hearing it. It's not even an extant song. ...Let's not go there. I'm hearing music that doesn't exist now.)

But I do want to apologize, in advance, for the sheer, unadulterated Friendslist Spamming I'll be doing today.

While I'm here, I want to say I'm sorry for forgetting Destroying The Ring and Confrontation At The Black Gate Day. I apparently, however, honored it by not posting. Odd, that.

Next on teh list, then, is the Glorious Twentyfifth of Towelday. Hah.

Reminds me: must buy silk lilacs...

I started writing something. 'poc!verse, but not the book. Prequel to it. Oddly, I think it would be the last thing I'd actually write in that 'verse.  'Cause there's the stupid, stupid hero who gets himself killed in a freak accident due to his own idiocy and wearing himself down, and then there're his parents, who are actually far more directly influencial than he is. And their romance leads to him, and to huge political changes. Normally the sort of climax would be the main character's romance. But... well. Tifami apparently has a few things to say about that. So.  Sadly, though, I apparently start everything by writing the end. The way I read.  And... it's so odd, because...

It ends almost exactly the way the book I'm actually writing ends.  "He closed his eyes, and slept." Seriously, there's this incredibly morbid overtone of inevitable death where he's concerned.

...Oh, right. That would be why. I kill him off.

...........................

Which is the reason for this post. Not killing him off.  But. I... sort of had another breakdown moment. Not... not... life-breakdown. The "I feel like shit and ought to say something but I can't because I know what's right and I can't just give in to my weepiness and I want to curl up and die and never come back again" kind of breakdown moment.

I'm honestly about to start crying. In the middle of physics.

Fuck.

Expect... two more posts today. My sputtering incoherency if needed, and it may not happen or be an edit to this post.  And the one tonight, after I...

Oh god. Oh my holy Morgoth-fucking Eru (please excuse my language... why do I have this horrible sensation of Galadriel telling me to wash my mouth out...) I have to sing tonight. In front of people. Family. People

Shoot me now.

...and if I end up writing a random filk of The Lumberjack Song on that subject, someone needs to commit me to an asylum.

But... alas, I have at last descended into the depths of complete nerddom.  My closest co-conspirator in the PPC, the lovely julyflame, was good enough to show me a site that had manga uploaded.  A site which I intend to take full advantage of.  At the moment, I'm just getting through OP. But...

Yes. Ph34r me.

Actually, it's just that... I don't know. It's like, it's a different medium from what I'm used to, you know? Like I'm not a huge comic book fan, but I adore sandman.  I guess it's just that I've been toying with Apocalypse!verse and the idea of using it as my experimenting ground. Like... my other various 'verses thus far are pretty straightforward, writingwise. Just standard sci-fi/fantasy books. But I'm trying a REALLY bloody weird style with Apocalypse!verse's first book, and may want to just... play with as many different storytelling methods as I can with it, y'know? Because that's what it is.  It's a world about telling stories as much as anything. (You can tell that I'm heavily, heavily influence by Gaiman and particularly Sandman.) I swore I wouldn't include things like this here, but this is a life development more than anything.

Because I'm going to investigate this other mode of storytelling. ...Besides, it's hilarious watching some of the expressions in manga. Like when people are like "Uhm, you can't do this..." Luffy: "Okay! *Darts off to do just that*" People: *FURYFACEWITHSHARPPOINTYTEETH* YOU IDIOT!

Luffy, btw, is a little... more stupid but sharper in the manga?  Like, he's a lot more prone to doing insane things, but he's... sharper. A lot sharper.  I like it.

BTW, in Boston 10th-13th of April. I'm getting really torn now.  And wondering just what I'll do when faced with certain choices I'm likely to have to make. Still, even if there isn't a choice... WHEE I HAVE THE BEST FALLBACK EVER. *DAAAAAAAAANCE*

But I need to go do math now, so I don't fail.

Tessa tomorrow!

EDIT: Mental note to self: Save Picture As ASAP, before I run out of time, and then do it as I read. 'Cause I CAN, and EEEEEHmanga. AKA Canon Reference! *Daaaance*

I think, in college, my order of language learning will be: Gaelic, Japanese.  'Cause I'm starting to pick up a word here and there, and it seems like a fun language.  Also, because I'm a nerd. (Example: I randomly started telling myself stories last night and using Shakespearean English to do it. As in, full proper grammar, with thees and thous and the whole nine yards. And it was SO PRETTY I nearly cried.)

Okay, so admittedly, I haven't actually had a good day all week.  But... dammit, I was having an okay day.  I had a bout of total hysteria yesterday, and then today Caroline swore she'd teach me to knit 'cause I keep trying to steal her blanket, and yes I may have basically collapsed and been shaky and almost unable to walk up to school for rehearsal. But things were okay when I got there, and people are talking to me a little sometimes, which is bizarre and a little nice, to have a little socializing.

But, besides fucking UMass Amherst... And besides the fact that I can't fucking write and now I have to do a Neitzche paper by next Friday (fuck...), and besides the fact that my headspace is... very locked and tense and silent and there's a million problems...

I was having a good day.  Ish.  Sarah called, and Valerie was on, and I have eBooks to read.  And I was... content, I think is the word. A decent enough rehearsal that I could... smile a little. Hope a little.

Yeah.  No.  Forgot that rule of life.  Fucking narrative laws. Go to hell.  ...Also, the phone convo... yeah, reasons I'm mildly not happy with it, but unimportant ones.  Mainly...

*Curls up* I hate it. I sometimes try to tell people what I think or feel. Rarely.  I'm usually too reserved for it.  But when I try... I get reminded there's no point in it.

I hate it.  I was almost having an okay day.  People are telling me I'm pretty suddenly.  I'm getting friends... And now I'm crying.  Again.

And getting slapped in the face with the fact that you can't really trust people.  They fuck with your head and leave you to dry.

I think people treat other people as puppets.  As toys.  Because it's all fun and games, right? All small stuff.

Except sometimes it isn't.  And what do you do then?

And what do you do when you need to talk to someone about trust, but no one you know is someone you can trust to cry on anymore? To know will be there to hold you, always, no matter what?

Who's going to miss you?

Should they?

...notthinkingaboutthat,sunlightisgood...

*Sighs*

No. I'm not turning into House, unless House is really that emotionally tortured. Which I guess he IS, but... he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. That's my schtick.

(I've been doing a lot of... markedly Jewish or Hispanic things lately. It's odd.)

But... Just... had a moment. A can't think, can't breathe, can't live sort of moment.  And it's still hurting, y'know? That little knot inside my chest. Oh, nothing medical. I'm healthy enough. Not counting sleep deprivation and acne and bad eating habits.

But y'know... that knowledge.  Knowing when you can't go back.  That's what my school is so oblivious to, I think.  I knew when Grayson died that something had changed. That I couldn't go back, because a little boy had taken his own life and he was so damn close, and it was so damn close and I felt at the time like I wanted to die. On and off. But I remember hating my life at the time. And I still do. Hate it. But... I knew the day that Grayson died that something wasn't the same. I wouldn't've picked up Sandman before that. Even though it had been recommended to me a year before, even. And again just before summer.  I picked it up because I knew something had changed and I needed a way to see what that something was.

I needed a map for Destiny's garden.

And I knew something had changed when Jared died. Those boys still haunt me.  And I live every day now with a sense of "Who will it be next? Who is the next of my small, confined world to return to dust and empty space and be nothing more than a swiftly-forgotten dream in memories?"

(I was looking at my post from the day of the memorial. I said "This is your life." Death of Discworld said that, although it was in past tense. And Death of the Endless, I think, says something similar. "You got what everyone gets--a lifetime.")

I'd forgotten you don't need to die to go away.  Like Lexi. She and I have nothing in common now.  Like... like Marlee and Eric from my toddlerhood (my then-best friend who is a first class bitch JAP--Jewish-American Princess--and my then-crush who, while actually GORGEOUS now, is stupid beyond reason).  Like... like Tess. I love her, and she's still my heartsister.  But... we've drifted somewhat, and things aren't quite what they were. We're still unquestioningly devoted to each other. But we're necessarily more distant.  I wonder if that's how it was for Dream and Death after Daniel took over.

...I felt useless today. Worthless.  And yesterday. And every day. I'm failing miserably. I should be fucking everything.  I'm smart and I'm talented and I honestly love learning, and I'm even a little pretty when my acne's not bad. I should be into college, I should be top of my class, ahead on my homework, healthy and keeping up with life... and instead I'm a lazy lethargic bum. *Sighs* There's a reason I'm writing what I'm writing. The hero who can't quite make the status quo. To use Garion's terms, the rock that gets thrown... and sort of doesn't even last five seconds before thumping back to earth, without fanfare, just a quiet, wet little thud.  I hate it. I hate letting my parents down, I hate being the way I am.  But I really don't have much choice, do I? So I have to live with it, because I'm damn well not going to be dead with it. And I don't know just where I went wrong.

And why I can't deal with people, so that I keep trying to talk to people I have nothing in common with and being hurt when people I thought I could love and respect don't. It's happened... too often, I guess.  Price of empathy, I suppose.

Just had one of those... Joycian epiphany moments.  Where I went "...Shit."  And wanted to curl up and die.

Cordy's right. Being alone with others beats being alone by yourself.

But I don't really have that choice.

...At least I'm flying free?... 

EDIT: ...And my entire life is ameliorated in a tiny, tiny way by a realization that I might be able to snitch a now-useless old piece of writing as the opening of Shattered!verse. Thank Eru. I really liked that piece.

So... lots of stuff, I guess. First, apologies for constant posting. Just... no one here, y'know? No one to talk to. So... I ramble.  Despite nothing happening today. I'm a fantastic sightreader--could only be better if I were actually going to be a professional musician. Odd, that my greatest talent seems to lie with the one thing that's a game and a passtime for me. Perhaps it's more that it's my greatest talent, but not really enough to justify pursuit. Otherwise...

God only knows what my life would have been like if it had been enough, or if my parents had encouraged me towards it instead of pushing me into science because music's something of a dead end 99.99% of the time.

I talked to Tess for a while today. And I'm calling Sarah, too. I miss them. And thank god you're back, Jen... lord, I miss my friends. I miss my life. Mom and Dad suggested asking Betsy over to watch physics with me. I dunno if I should.  I'm a little shy about the idea. But I'd really like to.  Betsy's been such a saving grace in my life lately--SHE IS AN ANGEL OF MERCY OH MY GOD PAINKILLERS ARE TEH LOVE.  And of course Elizabeth... I love that girl.  More and more.  (Mental note: add my Elizabeth tag to previous posts.) I really want to get to know Ren, too. She's so kickass-ly awesome I want to like worship her.  (Wren? Rin? Rine? Catherine Fondren... I don't know.)  If I don't see her on AIM much, I really need to call Christina too. ...I miss Sta. Randomly. Nostalgically.

I hate melodrama. I hate it when I get like this, all self-pitying.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.  It's sick. It's stupid. ...The fact that I'm calm and not curled up in my bed sobbing is a definite sign that my meds are working for me, after all.

I really need to finish my college applications. I need to get out of here.  It's a cliff, and my wings are spread and ready, but I keep running and running and the edge never gets any closer so I can never take the leap... Nevermind that I'm frightened to death of open edges or of falling.  "Sometimes you wake up, and sometimes, yes, you die... but sometimes when you fall, you fly."

...*Sighs* I think I'll write and then go curl up with Morpheus for a while.

I don't know if I'll work any harder in second semester. I want to, in an academic way--by academic I mean in a perfect hypothetical situation.  But... it's probably not going to happen.  I'm too tired, too unhealthy, too sick at heart from the world and my life to really care about it all anymore. I really just... don't care. It's why I've avoided the college stuff. I can't bring myself to care.

It's funny how easy it is to waste energy, all or lots of it, in uselessness or crying. And how hard it is to try to make yourself happy.

EDIT: ...I LOVE CARBON LEAF SO EFFING MUCH. *Dies* I'm listening to One Prairie Outpost... and I just found my theme song for this novel. Just... gack. So perfect. *Dead* ...I love them.... and such nice music, too.

On the good side... House tonight.  And my English teacher liked my writing.

On the bad side, this means I need to write more.  A teacher died of cancer.  The funeral was yesterday, and I'm convinced I'm empathic--Valdemar style, y'know, with the receiving emotional input from outside thing.  I just... absorb emotions too easily. So that's my explanation. Makes funerals hell, though. Third this year, and the mother of the head of the fine arts department died the day after the teacher.

On the good side... Elizabeth and I are getting to be close friends again. Makes me happy.

On the bad side, this means I have one close friend around me.

On the good side, I have one.

It was about a year ago that I went and got hit by a car. Honestly? That was the first in a string of really fucking weird things. Just... shit, this is the weirdest fucking year of my life.

And I don't even get to talk to Elizabeth as much as I'd like. I... really need to have someone around, y'know? And most of the time lately it feels like I don't.

But then I guess that's what writing's for. *Sigh* My teacher said in class yesterday that everyone tries to make things right in art because they're not in life.  Frankly, I've noticed that the best art isn't about making something wrong right, but showing that it's wrong.  Being honest.  But... in that vein of honesty, that's what I am/have been doing.

I really need to write the one where nothing's quite right.

Or make the other one less right.

On the bad side, I was doing a math problem in my sleep. A problem that was somehow involved with a medical drama--like Gray's or General Hospital. Definitely not House, though.

I really, really need help.

...On the good/bad side... interesting ramble on the nature of death. I need to write it. It's... I honestly don't know if it's a characterthing or a mething.  I think it's a mething. There's no characterization involved, I think, although some of my characters certainly share the opinion with me.

I need to find that speech. "For in that sleep of death what dreams may come." That one.