Okay.

So.

Remember how I'm going to MIT?  It gets awesomer and awesomer.  I'll tell the story of my Not-Leatherman-Knife later today.  Once I'm back from Lucy.

BUT.

MIT: Betsy, Kendra, my new gayboy friend hopefully (I THINK so) who will TOTALLY SING OUT TONIGHT WITH ME AND DANCES IN LVB WITH ME, Kate, Kimberly, bunches of awesome new people.
Boston:  Andrew, loverly people.
Wellesley: Anjali and now KATIE AS WELL WHOOOOOOT.

It's like all my favorite old people (with the exception of Lizbeth) AND cool new ones AND even more I don't know yet! *DAAAAAAANCES*

MIT? IS MY LIFE.

DANCE PARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Argh. I'm hungry, I'm exhausted, I have a class to audit, homework to do, and posts to write.

I'm happy.

I need to take my medicine now.  But... wow.

Wow.

It just might work.

...It's one in a million... but it just might work.

Remind me to write that story. The story of the accident with the anteater and the old man.  And how, on the same morning in that one in a million other universes, an old man was strolling along after a nice breakfast and idly grabs an unlicensed thief for protective custody.

Also, granddaughter. Just 'cause it'd be adorable.

...Chamber choir. Also, I danced last night for... okay, the first time. And someone taught me how to. It was... odd. I think I'll like having, oh, GUYS AROUND. Who are talkable.

EDIT: So a friend of my host's is this really nice Puerto Rican heritage guy.  Real nice, honestly. They all are. But... Damn. The West side is a lot more party oriented and not with the working thing. I'm gonna check out the nerd-based East with Bettis after math.

I'm very tired.  Very, very tired.  I... sort of want to just curl up and go to sleep. But I'm more awake and happier now, so I think my meds must've kicked in.

Math, random stuff, music, east tour, dorm talks, and then... hmm. Either jazz concert or MTG singalong.  Maybe I can split the time... Or there's the Nerdy Music singalong. Heh. I may have to drop in on that one.

And then, I think... room, RP if there are people around to RP with, and then... sleep. Lotsa. Tomorrow's gonna be hectic.

It really was all decided a couple weeks ago.

I'm actually not too upset, except with the realization that their criteria mean they really are exactly like my school is now.  That's a depressing realization.

If you can't read my subject, you may wait for enlightenment. But I gets my Bettis and my Andrew and possibly my Katie (you knooooow you want to... *Giggles* Kidding. Except sorta not. *Loves!*)

Once I hear from Tessa... life is set.

Now, to not fail math so I can keep that rather odd subject expression...

..........After the concert.  I'll be back with singingness later!

I want to go curl up and never come out again.

Just... bad, bad fucking day.  All around.  One of my classmates' mother died last night.  Of cancer.  She was diagnosed... a couple years ago, I think.  Two of my best friends are sick with the flu--Caroline fainted at the doctor's yesterday and Betsy has a fever and was literally shaking when she signed out of school. I have double physics and jazz today, and I don't know if I'm going to get the English class I want, and I have college applications, and my hormones are eating my soul.

The book we're reading in English is about the chair of an English department at an underfunded university.  It amuses me somewhat.  ...Mostly just the subject, not the writing, which frankly sort of bores me. Catch-22 spoiled me.  Oh, and my computer shipped.

But I just want to go home, curl up, and die for a little while.  But mum wouldn't let me.

And I slept really badly.

...And now I'm going to have nightmares again tonight.

I want to go home.

EDIT: I am a singularly boring part-writer.  Almost flawless, but... damn boring.

EDIT: ...I'm really glad I've started wearing my ankh all the time.

I was thinking about layers, earlier, and partly due to that and partly due to the discussion today in Astronomy (WORTHLESS CLASS) about how solar systems form (or at least how ours did) made me realize something.  The solar system thing will become apparent, but the other because I couldn't figure out why I felt this need to kill Tyroshaun off rather... sparkishly, and really at all, 'cause... I sorta want to save his sorry ass, but I just have been feeling like it doesn't work.  And then that led to a rather...Tyroshaun-like ramble in that it was all about metaphorical layers, and particularly with his.  Which leads to the point.

Lesson: I need to stick with my instincts.  I couldn't even write back then, but I had sort of unwittingly pulled the whole point of him out and left it there. I just had to find it and realize what I had.  I was a little too young and immature to see it--and I didn't really grasp anything at all about death and dreams--or life and reality.

I really feel sorry for that boy.  But he is what he is, and to live he would have to change.

And look at what Morpheus did when faced with that choice.

*Sigh*  In other news, TDS and TCR are likely to be off once the Writer's Guild goes on strike... good for them. God, they deserve so much pay.  They have to write in groups.  Lord, I'd hate to do that.  I mean... hate it.  Eugh. That many people? God, the chaos.  Just... yeah. No. Elch.

Oh. It's hilarious.  If we didn't have a uniform, I could wear pants every day (jeans) and be totally normal.  But no, with a uniform, my wearing pants every day and never skirts, and being a techish person... uhm.  I think some people may have the impression, however subconscious, that I'm lesbian. Which is HILARIOUS, as I'm so very much not (boys are pretty, except when they're ugly), but I can't think of any other reason why these two hyper-religious-conservative girls refuse to talk to me much, or why one of them, when without her lab partner as I am every day, wanted to work with in a group of three with someone else and relegated me to be with another pair rather than work with me and make everyone's lives easier.  I'm not joking, she did that, and I can't think of any reason why (as I'm not stupid) other than that... yeah, vibes. Which if you talk to me for ten minutes you'll realize are TOTALLY not real, 'cause I'm straight to the point of sadness (especially over the derth of good options... *le sigh!*) but...

I found that kinda ridiculously funny.

Also, my favorite soprano didn't get the lead role, just a bit lead, and was crying, and she DESERVES it, and she probably won't do the show.  Stupid, stupid directors. AND they gave the evil soprano a bit lead too. GAVE THEM THE SAME STATUS WTF BETTIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT EVIL STUCK UP LITTLE BITCH.

That pissed me off.

...AAAAAAAACH!!!! HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *SPASM*


And there were your spoilers. *SPAZFLAILLOVE* I ACTUALLY LIKE FOREMAN FOR ONCE! HOUSE IS AMAZING! HUGH LAURIE MOMENT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

So... Tomorrow night, I start to write in earnest. *Deep breath* I think this helped.

EDIT: I... really miss Sarah. She helped me through a bunch of shit, and she's a good friend, and we had fun talking for hours, and her parents won't let her use a computer now 'cause she was talking to her not-exactly-ex-girlfriend. Stupid conservatives. *Sighs* I miss her... I really have to call more regularly. I don't want to lose touch with her. Tried calling her, but... *Sigh* Oh well.

EDIT: I'm starting to think I should cut ALL my entries, as I've started writing a lot. Huh. Odd, that.

...Wow, huge mood swing. So my stupid choir director didn't see me raise my hand for that alto solo and gave it to a junior (*Fury*) but the choir president knows I raised my hand. So I'm gonna talk to the girl first, then if she won't listen and there isn't another alto solo, I'll get Bettis to support me in my bid.  I raised my hand.  Bitch girl.

On the other hand... well. *Grins* Viacom's making www.thedailyshow.com to host EVERY DAILY SHOW VIDEO CLIP EVER SINCE 1999. BWAH HAHAHA.

*Sigh* Off to practice for region. Later, all.

Shea and Tess are coming to the party. Tess is just... coming, and Shea's being Dream with me being Death. Bwah.

EDIT: If the stupid people vote for wrapping the quad rather than signing out early... I'll be furious.

FURTHER EDIT: Um... Jon had really bad hair once upon a time. Really bad hair.

First of all, I remember why I thought that quote in my subject yesterday was from Stephen, though it came from Cat's paper.

(Steve and Stephen are having a Pray-Off, Steve as a Muslim and Stephen as the Catholic he is.)
Steve: Is your God ready?
Stephen: My God was born ready. *Beat* Or not so much born as begotten, not made, one being with the father, *short beat* ready.
Steve: One, two, three... pray.

*Beamity* I knew it was Stephen.

Anyway.  We altos will win at life in the bringing-Thursday breakfast thing.  And Bettis brought fudge, including the love of my life: white chocolate fudge.  Aaah.

Other than that, I'm about to go faint somewhere, I'm that tired. Urgh.

God oh god oh god.

*Sighs* I wanna get to Columbia, have my own room again, be away from my parents where I can just... get away from everything. Have people call me Lee.  Go to a cafe if I need to.  Walk around the city even if it's fucking dangerous and I'll probably get myself hurt or killed in the first three days on my own.

Betsy's trapped on campus here at MIT--poor baby.

Miss you Katie. So much.  I wish I'd gone to the Fitzwilliam--somehow I never managed it.  Wish we'd had more time.  And I wish we had finished that godsbedamned puzzle.  I still remember how it looked on Alexis's balcony, and the view from it.  The view of our stage, and of my tree with it's little moss-covered lounge.

...and I think I'm going to do something soon I'll regret like nothing else I've regretted in my life.  And I wish I didn't have to.  But... Betsy said today she thinks I'm right too, and she actually understands social stuff.  And... I've heard I'm right before this, and I'm not hormonal anymore, and even if my meds have stopped working by now as I think they have... they were working when I talked to Betsy.  And I still wanted to break down crying.  And I still can't believe I'm going to have to do this and I kind of hate myself for it and for my godsblessed principles or whatever the fuck they are and for caring just a little too much.  I always seem to care too much... or not at all.  And there... really just isn't anyone to talk to.  Betsy helped--it's nice having an actual friend at school.  But... it's not the same. And there's things she can never understand.  And they're the things that matter at the moment.

And I can't cry with my parents here.

I think I lost Serenity.  Dunno when, dunno how... but it's not there anymore.

Flying solo.  ...but flying free, I guess...

In re a conversation with Dad today regarding Xeno's third paradox, the empiricists, a song from Into the Woods, and Thief of Time, I have to wonder... See, the empiricists wondered how, if life is made of many tiny instantaneous moments, we can have any perception of continuity.  Sondheim restates it in a different, refutative sort of way: "But if life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one."  Pratchett deals with the problem by giving a snapshot of such a moment, when Jeremey turns on his glass clock--how it's a moment, but without time, there's no life, which is one of the arguments against why an arrow can be both in motion and at rest (the paradox of Xeno being that if you look at the arrow "at one moment," within in that moment it is at rest--but that moment also stops time, so motion basically isn't applicable anyway).  It also comes up in the way that Mort and Ysabelle turn down immortal existence--it's outside time, so it's not life--and why the anthropomorphic personifications who spend Time down among humans develop such human characteristics.  With Wen's theory that the universe remakes itself in every moment, and Time has to... store itself up to that point... basically, the question is, "What is memory?"

That's the question of Thief of Time.  My question, conversely, is... why is memory so strong?  If every moment's new, if the universe renews itself with its every heartbeat... why does it still make you want to cry?

EDIT: The thing about me? I'm incredibly friendly and open in some ways--I can talk to anyone about anything for incredible lengths of time.  But I'm introverted.  I don't give my trust that easily--I don't give my heart or pieces of me that quickly.  The thing about me? I need to trust completely before giving certain things.  The thing about me? It's hard to tell if I trust that much, because I'm friendly.  It's why I can never kepe friends for long.  I can't trust enough to spend the time. And then, sometimes, I do.

The trick is to tell the difference.

I hate my mom.

She wants me to go to Wellesley, I think.  Katie, you might like it--gorgeous, close to a city, etc... I'll let you know after I've seen Bryn Mawr.

But... she hated MIT. Said it was like a state school. I liked it. I think dad did too.  But... she hated it.

And yeah. Stuff.  Basically... she's driving me insane.

And I keep getting headaches--I dunno if I'm dehydrated or what.

I want this over with.

And I got to see Betsy today.  It was... really nice.  Really nice.  Ate Subway in the Student Center at MIT.  Had a long talk--about school, about Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, House, life, choir, singing, and... *Sighs* yeah.

It was good to talk.  Good, live talk.  Jen, you helped a lot--and Betsy helped too.  *Sighs* It's not fun.  But... yeah.  I know now.   And I'm almost a hundred percent sure I'll be doing the right thing.  Despite the consequences.  I just hope it doesn't get out of control...

My head hurts.  And... stuff. I dunno if it's sun or something.  *Sighs*

EDIT: Jen? Cinaed and Katrina are so going to kill Brece if they ever hear that comment about their looks "getting rather tired." And I mean, seriously kill. Tyroshaun thinks it's hilarious, although he does think it's not entirely true as they are a good-looking lot.  But still. (Nadia is caught between haughty indignation and finding it as funny as Tyroshaun does.)  Also, what do you say to making the Kos-Tyroshaun thread about the ring stealing, just so we can have everything in place for the Midsummerness?

Well, I think I finally figured out where the thing saying how much we've paid Columbia and stuff is.  It has an obscene amount as the credit, a due date for the payment (ironically, the 21st... heh, I laugh), and a payment due.  Which is listed at $0.00.

So I think that means I'm good.

And I have a columbia.edu email address. God, that makes me feel so... going to Columbia.  *Hugs self* Mental note to get a hold of Bettis's phone number or something so I can grab her at MIT.  Lexi'd know it.

Anyway.

ugh.  i think i wanna go curl up and die for a while.

in other news, comedy central's cutting back on all its costs just to keep Stewart once his contract's up.  He'd better stay on. Otherwise I'll go insane during college, and that'd be bad.