Okay.

So.

Remember how I'm going to MIT?  It gets awesomer and awesomer.  I'll tell the story of my Not-Leatherman-Knife later today.  Once I'm back from Lucy.

BUT.

MIT: Betsy, Kendra, my new gayboy friend hopefully (I THINK so) who will TOTALLY SING OUT TONIGHT WITH ME AND DANCES IN LVB WITH ME, Kate, Kimberly, bunches of awesome new people.
Boston:  Andrew, loverly people.
Wellesley: Anjali and now KATIE AS WELL WHOOOOOOT.

It's like all my favorite old people (with the exception of Lizbeth) AND cool new ones AND even more I don't know yet! *DAAAAAAANCES*

MIT? IS MY LIFE.

DANCE PARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

It really was all decided a couple weeks ago.

I'm actually not too upset, except with the realization that their criteria mean they really are exactly like my school is now.  That's a depressing realization.

If you can't read my subject, you may wait for enlightenment. But I gets my Bettis and my Andrew and possibly my Katie (you knooooow you want to... *Giggles* Kidding. Except sorta not. *Loves!*)

Once I hear from Tessa... life is set.

Now, to not fail math so I can keep that rather odd subject expression...

..........After the concert.  I'll be back with singingness later!

 *Sigh* I guess I'll post about Lockdown at some point.  Um.

In the meantime... Very serious question.  Which is better, almost thirty year old dying with exactly no life and no real reason to live except living and not exactly looking to get killed but not exactly looking to stay alive either, or almost forty year old with a home and a family and every reason to live dying despite his best efforts not to?

But other than that, I've started writing, and it's almost going well. *Beamity* Also, I love you still, Jen, and your love for SICs.  SICs rock.  If you happen to read this, drop me a note on whether or not he ought to have a family too. Might be good, or might not.  If he doesn't, he'll probably pick up a girlfriend during the story.  Even though I wrote something I shouldn't have... poor baby was lonely.  And... yeah.

Reply to this post (indicating you want to participate in this meme), and I will write at least one thing I love about you, probably more. Then repost to your own journal and spread the love.

WARNING: Lots of pointless and angsty and possibly drama-queen-ish rambling.  Skip if you get annoyed by all of that.  This is the result of my not being able to talk to people and instead writing it out.  This is also the result of working on and off for three weeks.  So it's incoherent and insane and generally pointless.  Skip if you have any sense.  If you're actually interested in what insanity is currently going through my head, go ahead and read, and comment to tell me if you think I need to get over myself.  God knows I think so, but I needed to work through my thought process.

Before I get to anything else... Tifami Sollaredo.  Hee. Official new character.  Girlfriend in my novel.  May not be totally likable, but that's because if you want to know how to pronounce it, go look up a solfege scale.  I fucking hate solfege. And it screws me over.  (Tee-fah-mee Sole-lah-rey-dough.  Essentially.)  So nyeh. Take that, solfege.

*Sigh*

There's a picture of Andrew sitting on my desk. I dunno where mum found it.  I miss him.

I dropped working on my English paper a few weekends ago to talk to Christina, 'cause she called and really needed someone to talk to, it doesn't matter why.  So I rambled for a while, and uncharacteristically didn't ask if it was okay, or pretend to stop for a while.  Just 'cause... I already knew. *Sighs* Did me a lot of good too, though. I needed a chat, badly.  *Sighs*  Just... god.  I'm tired, I'm not working, and... grrh. But there were also two things I wanted to talk about a while ago, and I was reminded, so I'll write that up now before I forget again. *Hug*

Now, this is basically me... philosophizing or angsting or being a drama queen or something, so ignore it if you'd like.  But they were things I thought about for a while.

And that kind of leads in to my second point.  About people and trying.  It's something I noticed from just being at school again.


And I guess this leads me into the next bit of rambling.  Namely, on... well.  I guess love, or something like it.  Discussion of views on sex included, if you want to avoid that.


Reflection.  I didn't notice the change in me even though I saw the change in the image, because I never realized that it was a reflection until a little too late.  And I should have.  I should have taken that step back a little earlier.  It might've been easier to deal with it all that way.

I think a lot of this was... really incoherent.  I've been working on this, just needing to get it written out, for... a couple weeks now? So there's weird mood swings and stuff in it.  Ignore it if you dislike angsting and pointlessness.  It was just... necessary venting.  I need to talk things through, usually, to get the thoughts straight in my head.  But it's not like I really have anyone to talk to. So I wrote it out. *Shrug* There's a reason I write.  Sorry for taking up your time, energy, and f-list space. 

*Sighs*

So... didn't get out of bed until 2.  Was awake.  Couldn't get up--couldn't take meds as a result.  As a result have been a fucking wreck all day.

Hung with Katie.  Miss her so much.  Best... friend-not-family.  Will watch last two eps tonight and find that Fry thing about the... thingy, bipolar on YouTube.  Need to watch TDS, hear its good.

talked a lot. 'bout stuff.  rambled 'bout house and the disc and shit.

hoped to get to rent.  didn't.

want my timvoice.

Decided to get the damn book after all.  Maybe to make a bonfire?

Being yelled at for daring to think of burning a book. Shut up boys.

Song's not helping. Thanks for the effort.

Gun'd be nice though...

shouldn'tbesoscared

stillam

God oh god oh god.

*Sighs* I wanna get to Columbia, have my own room again, be away from my parents where I can just... get away from everything. Have people call me Lee.  Go to a cafe if I need to.  Walk around the city even if it's fucking dangerous and I'll probably get myself hurt or killed in the first three days on my own.

Betsy's trapped on campus here at MIT--poor baby.

Miss you Katie. So much.  I wish I'd gone to the Fitzwilliam--somehow I never managed it.  Wish we'd had more time.  And I wish we had finished that godsbedamned puzzle.  I still remember how it looked on Alexis's balcony, and the view from it.  The view of our stage, and of my tree with it's little moss-covered lounge.

...and I think I'm going to do something soon I'll regret like nothing else I've regretted in my life.  And I wish I didn't have to.  But... Betsy said today she thinks I'm right too, and she actually understands social stuff.  And... I've heard I'm right before this, and I'm not hormonal anymore, and even if my meds have stopped working by now as I think they have... they were working when I talked to Betsy.  And I still wanted to break down crying.  And I still can't believe I'm going to have to do this and I kind of hate myself for it and for my godsblessed principles or whatever the fuck they are and for caring just a little too much.  I always seem to care too much... or not at all.  And there... really just isn't anyone to talk to.  Betsy helped--it's nice having an actual friend at school.  But... it's not the same. And there's things she can never understand.  And they're the things that matter at the moment.

And I can't cry with my parents here.

I think I lost Serenity.  Dunno when, dunno how... but it's not there anymore.

Flying solo.  ...but flying free, I guess...

In re a conversation with Dad today regarding Xeno's third paradox, the empiricists, a song from Into the Woods, and Thief of Time, I have to wonder... See, the empiricists wondered how, if life is made of many tiny instantaneous moments, we can have any perception of continuity.  Sondheim restates it in a different, refutative sort of way: "But if life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one."  Pratchett deals with the problem by giving a snapshot of such a moment, when Jeremey turns on his glass clock--how it's a moment, but without time, there's no life, which is one of the arguments against why an arrow can be both in motion and at rest (the paradox of Xeno being that if you look at the arrow "at one moment," within in that moment it is at rest--but that moment also stops time, so motion basically isn't applicable anyway).  It also comes up in the way that Mort and Ysabelle turn down immortal existence--it's outside time, so it's not life--and why the anthropomorphic personifications who spend Time down among humans develop such human characteristics.  With Wen's theory that the universe remakes itself in every moment, and Time has to... store itself up to that point... basically, the question is, "What is memory?"

That's the question of Thief of Time.  My question, conversely, is... why is memory so strong?  If every moment's new, if the universe renews itself with its every heartbeat... why does it still make you want to cry?

EDIT: The thing about me? I'm incredibly friendly and open in some ways--I can talk to anyone about anything for incredible lengths of time.  But I'm introverted.  I don't give my trust that easily--I don't give my heart or pieces of me that quickly.  The thing about me? I need to trust completely before giving certain things.  The thing about me? It's hard to tell if I trust that much, because I'm friendly.  It's why I can never kepe friends for long.  I can't trust enough to spend the time. And then, sometimes, I do.

The trick is to tell the difference.

Y'know those days where there's someone you like most of the time... and then you just want to kill them?

Yeah.  One of them.

I don't want to talk about it.

But it's damn lonely.

I wish I hadn't promised myself I'd write Highland Magic only during the school year.  I mean, I guess I could try to work on tortureverse, or the Bren-Rania stories which I have to entirely restructure as Bren and Rania are totally gonna be changed as much as I can... and actually I have a plotthing to do at SotE. Although I wish Gold were around to play with Cinaed.  Ah well.  ...But really, I want my Scots.  Chris/Cinaed or Tyrone, preferably... but that's not so much with the happening thing.

*Sigh* I'm off to work on my Bertie P&P, I think.  ...I guess.  Or something.

Been depressed all day.  Don't know why.  Hormones maybe.

anyone wants to call, please do. i think i could use it.

Oh, Katie, I'll be visiting Bryn Mawr some time next week. Funny, no?  *Sighhuggle* I miss you so much.  Dunno, just... random spazz of cambridgesickness attacked, and homesickness for new york too, and...

god, it's a weird day

edit: the worst part is when you know it's not right to be thinking something was yours, because it wasn't anyway.  but then you thought for a while it was, it was just yours.  but then it wasn't and it's taken and split and doled out.  and it doesn't feel right, but you can't say it because it's not your place to.  and you hate yourself for thinking it.  but as much as you don't usually mind, shouldn't mind... this one time you do.  because it used to be yours.  and things were added that aren't bad but aren't what you want and weren't there and didn't matter and in most ways still don't but they're there and they change it all and you hate it and hate yourself more for hating it to begin with.

think i'm gonna go cry now

edit ii: oh god even worse i didn't bother checking my school email for a month and so now i dunno if the checks for the summer program went through and i'm so confused 'cause i know we went and did the thing it told us to do in the packet they sent us and it was awesome but now i'm not sure and what if it didn't work right and what'll i do and my parents'll be mad at me for not checking and i read the thing and it's still confusing me and i don't understand it and... and... i think it worked 'cause i even seem to have a columbia email how awesome is that but i don't know and... oh god oh god oh god i think i'm gonna die now

edit iii: plus i just realized... i didn't know what time frames were.  no one bothered to tell me.  no one ever does.  i have less time than i thought, i think... and i dunno what kind of time i'll have anyway... time is a living prize...

WARNING FOR KATIE: MUCH FANGIRLING ENSUES

This post is for one reason only.

ZOMIGODWAVODINVALKJFSDLVKLCVK.  I looked up the last few pages of The Ties That Bind on Amazon. GAAAAH!!!!!

OH MY GOD THEY ARE SO INCREDIBLY SLASHY.

*FLAILSQUEE!*

Please tell me they do the conversation in the episode.  It would make my life.

Happy birthday, Katie.

I have this unnerving feeling of ICK. As in... I'm sitting here feeling dizzy and headachy and nauseous and shit. And wishing I had more than Guards! Guards! with me. I want Men at Arms.  For more Vimes and Carrot. They are my favorite people.

Heather, Katie? Somehow my mother is incapable of telling you two apart in conversation. Despite the fact that you look nothing alike.  And one of you lives in the States and the other England.

Don't ask.

Also, I basically do not get to sleep today until after the show. Do not be surprised if I vanish and go die.  I'm about to fall over as it is.

Nine days. Just nine days...

EDIT: "They may be called the Palace Guard, the City Guard, or the Patrol.  Whatever their name, their purpose in any work of heroic fantasy is identical: it is, around Chapter Three (or ten minutes into the film) to rush into the room, attack the hero one at a time, and be slaughtered.  No one ever asks them if they wanted to.

This book is dedicated to those fine men.

And also to Mike Harrison, Mary Gentle, Neil Gaiman and all the others who assisted with and laughed at the idea of L-space; too bad we never used Schrodinger's Paperback..." ~~ Dedication page of Guards! Guards!

My favorite parts are Neil Gaiman's mention and the beginning.