Okay.

So.

Remember how I'm going to MIT?  It gets awesomer and awesomer.  I'll tell the story of my Not-Leatherman-Knife later today.  Once I'm back from Lucy.

BUT.

MIT: Betsy, Kendra, my new gayboy friend hopefully (I THINK so) who will TOTALLY SING OUT TONIGHT WITH ME AND DANCES IN LVB WITH ME, Kate, Kimberly, bunches of awesome new people.
Boston:  Andrew, loverly people.
Wellesley: Anjali and now KATIE AS WELL WHOOOOOOT.

It's like all my favorite old people (with the exception of Lizbeth) AND cool new ones AND even more I don't know yet! *DAAAAAAANCES*

MIT? IS MY LIFE.

DANCE PARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I forget what song that's from.  Strange. But anyway, it's more things-I-wish-I'd-done than anything. Mainly, take my medicine, written, and worked.

Bah.

I have a lot I want to say, ramblings about Bionicle and OP and my geekness and my hopes and fears that have built up more and more lately.

But...

Well.

All that can wait for another time and place.  There are more important things than how I'm feeling right now. (It feels sometimes like I do that a lot--shove aside my own feelings for something or someone else.)

I have more friends at school than I thought. *Faint smile* Elena and I hung out a bit. Was fun.

I won't miss this place or these people much... but I'll miss them all a little, I think.  A very little.

For the moment, I'll stick to this: Interactive Fiction, ZOMIGODCANONCOAT, TOA OF TWILIGHT WITH LIGHT AND DARK, and I might get my junk in today. Whoot.

Oh, and as a note: Sonora's term has started, and applications are still open for another week and a half if you're interested! Comment if you want the URL. Sonora being the Wizard-School-in-Arizona game. I meant to have friendly-silent-Scottish-baby and bitchy-Scottish-boy-running-for-Malfoy's-hateability.  Except the former will apparently end up being the guy who knows ALL the gossip (though he never spreads it, as he doesn't talk) latter was sorted into the smart house and was sitting with a boy who turned out to be Irish, and was friendly. Before he shut up and went back to huddling. *Sighs* Damn you, characters, for undermining my intentions. *Grins* Have I mentioned I'm having fun?

 First, I love the song "September," by Earth, Wind, and Fire. Makes me happy.

Second: self defense class tonight at my LizGib's Tae Kwon Do place! Fun stuff!

Third... man, getting a hug from a man a foot and nine inches taller than you is really bloody awkward. *Grins* But all the important teachers know now. *Is content* And they're all so thrilled.

But... mainly...

*Breaks down quietly* I'm... writing a little. By which I mean, 2.6K today.  First time in months, really. But more'n that... it's... good copy, I think, and... and...

and I kind of can't believe the scene I finally made myself write.

It might all be easier from here on out. Now that I've... gotten over the major obstacle of admitting what happens. It's one thing to plan it. But...

It's written.

...I'm mildly tempted to include it here.  But I doubt I will.  Maybe I'll post it later.

Or in my writing journal.

Things are starting to solidify in a way they didn't before.  I know more about what happened.  And.. I know what happened that day.  Damn. Fucking heroic, just for a brief moment--not even a big thing, just one stupid act made without even thinking.

*Goes back to crying*

*Sighs* Mixed bag today. Most of the day was SHIT. I was nervous, hysterical, crying, having fits, nauseous, dizzy... the whole nine-yards.  Proper breakdown. I couldn't even eat lunch or dinner. I nearly  threw up. I managed to eat at Senior Tea, though--a few grapes, a slice of orange, a mini hamburger, a cookie, and pringles (yey!), so... that was a little better.  ...I think I may have a bagel now, in fact.  Anyway. I forgot to mention that... yesterday? Day before? I had a horrible moment when I saw this boy by the track and my first thought was "...JARED?!" It took me a moment to realize it wasn't him.  And then I wanted to cry. *Sighs* I didn't know him that well. But... my god. I miss that boy. Also, I REALLY need to write and I haven't and I feel like shit about it. And I need to prepare for an essay in-class tomorrow in English, and start reading Nietzche for a paper on him for... next Friday, I think. I can't have it before then. And I failed a math quiz COMPLETELY, can't understand physics anymore and DO NOT CARE, and got a few things I'm not sure I wanted.

But anyway. Day was shit.  Rehearsal kinda made up for it all.  (So did talking to my Heather-dearling, and getting in touch with Tessa about break.) First of all? My gayboy starboy who's playing the lead is actually almost able to act now! He actually almost appears STRAIGHT sometimes! It's amazing! Also... my god. Just... watching him gives me chills all down my spine. I don't think it'll translate well to film--he's not that good yet, so the judges will have to base it more off of the live performance--but oh my GOD.  Just... watching him move, hearing him sing... he OWNS that stage when he steps onto it, he even sounds good when pretending to be hungover, and he starts to sing and you're sharing Bobby's thoughts, and he starts to dance and you're dancing with him to avoid the problems of the world, and he runs a rehearsal in the show and shows the townfolk in it how to have rhythm and music--and when he does, he's showing you, and you get it.  You come out with just a little more music and life inside than you had before.  He did it last year, to a lesser extent, and in cameo two years ago.  But... oh my hope of the Havens.  It's... okay, been reading Valdemar, and part of me wants to say it's Bardic, but it isn't.  It's magic.  It's magic of hand and body and voice and song, and you drown in it and beg for more.  At least, I feel that way.

And when he sings his goodbye to the love of his life, on the basis that he's sure she doesn't love him... I have to remind myself that crying with mascara on is a singularly bad idea.

It's amazing, though.  I almost wish I could see it from the audience.  Could feel the focus of that magic of his. *Sighs* Ah well. Maybe helping to make it is better. ... *Faint smile* He has magic to do... That was his song last year, and it's still more true than words can say. I wish I'd gotten an audio recording of that.  I'll have to see if I can find the video of it lying around somewhere... And grab an audio of this SOMEHOW...

Anyway.  The other reason it was a good rehearsal is that... I realized I've been randomly getting a LOT of compliments lately. On my hair, which admittedly is not so surprising, if I may be that vain.  I have good hair. But also... people have been complimenting my makeup--which isn't really to ME but to the nice girls who do me up--but... they think I look good. Look... pretty.  And apparently gold is a good color for me around my eyes. It's eerie. Me, looking... good?  Oh, and I get to sing tenor on this one song, and I go down like to the bottom of tenor range and the bottom of mine and it is SO COOL 'CAUSE IT IS A LEGITIMATE BASS NOTE AND I ROCK.

And... uh.  *Giggles* I'm sure there were other things, but two incidents made my day.  Three, really, if you count the fact that my crew director had black steel-toed Doc Martens and it makes me laaaaaugh... But the actually incidents.  First, one of the crew girls didn't have black shoes, and she's running crew, so she had to gaff tape her shoes.  And she was going to do just the one side that shows when she crosses.  And, naturally, she managed to do EXACTLY the wrong side. *Snicker* On BOTH feet. It was minorly hilarious. The poor girl was almost as breaky as I was, and so nearly burst into tears, but we all hugged her and it ended up just being the most ridiculously funny thing ever.  But by far the best thing was that I was sitting with the shoes-girl (Allison), the girl born two and a half hours after I was (and who is a second alto with me in choir and sits next to me apparently shares father troubles with me as well... and who STILL OWES ME MUSIC I must hijack her about that, that's Emily, or rather Emily K), and Caitlin, the girl who's in my homeroom and who... I somehow manged to not realize is lesbian until, like, last month. (This totally explains her occasional uncomfortableness around me, as I can appear really bloody lesbian when I'm... so very much not. Oh, boys, I love you... except when you're stupid, which is all the time, so nyeh.)  And so we're laughing and chatting, and Caitlin's also on running crew and so is in all black, hardy pants and a shirt and polo over it and she looks really nice actually, she's a great girl. And she's leaning against the wall. And the Props manager as well as a running crew person, Emily W--we're all seniors--comes over, also in her blacks--as, in fact, both Allison and Emily K are, as they're also crew.  And cues a classic exchange.

Emily W: Is this a really lesbian outfit?
Allison: No, it... oh wait...
Emily K: *Simultaneously with Allison* We're ALL wearing it!
Caitlin: *Facepalms as the other two crack up** Come on, we need to have a little talk... *Drags Emily W for a private chat*
Me: *Laughing my head off*
Allison: *Sheepish* I was going to say "No, of course not, Caitlin's wearing it," and then I was like "Oh, wait..."
Emily K and me: *Cackling*
Emily W and Caitlin: *Having an earnest discussion in the sound lock right outside the scene shop*

*Snickers* Oh, a life in the theatre. It saved my day from being a total disaster.  But now mom won't be here in the morning, 'cause she missed her flight home from the viewing of her dead cousin who died really painfully of cancer. *Sighs* Bah.

I need to go wash my makeup off now.
 
EDIT: I want to add that gayboy star was among the ones who was like "Wow, you look really nice!" I think he was the one with the hair. *Beams* I luff him.

Well, except this summer'll be fun.

*Sighs* Just... gods above.  This year is fucked up beyond words. And now I'm actually concerned about the soprano I hate.

Just... she can't sing, but she's a CHILD and... and...

I'm really worried.

Thank the Valar for Betsy. And I mean that.

*Sighs* I'll... explain later. After some PDQ. It'll be easier to take by then.

I hope I can find the CD that goes with my recorder... 

BTW: Altor & Teno: Alto singing tenor. Altor for mostly-alto-with-tenor-bit-parts, Teno for alto-singing-all-tenor. Two terms I may use frequently.

*Snickers* House, to Wilson, in the preview for next episode (which is TUESDAY WHOOT!)  See, they ARE gay together!

Anyway. The point of this post: (WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD FOR WILSON'S LOVE LIFE!)

*I'm watching House with m'dad.  I see Wilson's girlfriend*
Dad: Whoa.
Me: ... *Jawdrop* Cutthroat bitch?!
House: ... *Jawdrop* Cutthroat bitch?!
Me: *SHRIEKS*
Dad: *Cracks up*

It is official.  I am turning into House.

...Okay, so I just told Caroline this. And she goes "Ouch." Me: "...It's not bad! He's genius! ...Okay, is it bad that I don't think turning into Greg House is a bad thing?"

Apparently it is.

I don't even care that it's a bad thing.  My god, I really AM turning into him. *Dead*

...In other news, despite my general dislike of LJ RPs and fandom RPs... I lurves my Mendanbar and my Dream. And I may have exactly one chance to grab 'em. And I've TOTALLY got a Dream in my head ANYWAY--he and Tyroshaun are always hanging out and being depressively, nobly, tragically heroic together. *Eyeroll* Boys.

Odd, that. I want basically my newest and oldest fandoms. Huh. Very strange. ...And the two tall, slender, dark-haired men. ...So I'm predictable, so shoot me.

...I just realized Mendanbar has grey eyes, and that was one of the things I loved about him. At the age of eleven. ...I have no further commentary to make. Because really, there's nothing to say.

ALSO! OHMIGODHOUSEISSOAMAZINGILOVESHIM!

Hello from Bad to Worse central. Don't mind me if I decide to jump off the balcony, really.

Fucking hate people.  Men have testosterone poisoning, women are batshit insane.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd've been more socially adapted if I hadn't started writing. But I know I wouldn't have been. I'd just have fewer friends.

Jen, LG? Miss you, mis amigas. 

 *Cackles* Doc's classes ROCK.

On Caroline's assertion that getting good grades and not telling your parents if you don't work constituting a good childhood:
Doc: "I thought a good childhood was about being morally and ethically sound, not good grades."
Me: "It is in this day and age."
Doc: "You all are so cynical for your age."
Me: "We are only a product of our times."
Doc: "You should be better than a product of your times."
Caroline: "But ethical, moral behavior results in good grades.  Hard work is ethical and moral!"
Doc: *CRACKS UP* "That is the most Calvinist thing I've ever heard."

The whiteboard at the front now says:
"ethical, moral behavior results in good grades..."
- Caroline "Calvin" Flowers
(would Knox be proud...)

Having explained to Doc how a friend was quitting calculus halfway through the year (and to her last night, but Doc's more important at the moment):
Me: "Bah, humbug. Everyone needs to learn integrals."
Doc: *Laughs hysterically* "That is a quote that both amuses and appalls me."

And this whole thing was in the first FIVE MINUTES of a Calculus BC class with two Differential Equations students and one Linear Algebra student.

All hail the insanity.

On the good side... House tonight.  And my English teacher liked my writing.

On the bad side, this means I need to write more.  A teacher died of cancer.  The funeral was yesterday, and I'm convinced I'm empathic--Valdemar style, y'know, with the receiving emotional input from outside thing.  I just... absorb emotions too easily. So that's my explanation. Makes funerals hell, though. Third this year, and the mother of the head of the fine arts department died the day after the teacher.

On the good side... Elizabeth and I are getting to be close friends again. Makes me happy.

On the bad side, this means I have one close friend around me.

On the good side, I have one.

It was about a year ago that I went and got hit by a car. Honestly? That was the first in a string of really fucking weird things. Just... shit, this is the weirdest fucking year of my life.

And I don't even get to talk to Elizabeth as much as I'd like. I... really need to have someone around, y'know? And most of the time lately it feels like I don't.

But then I guess that's what writing's for. *Sigh* My teacher said in class yesterday that everyone tries to make things right in art because they're not in life.  Frankly, I've noticed that the best art isn't about making something wrong right, but showing that it's wrong.  Being honest.  But... in that vein of honesty, that's what I am/have been doing.

I really need to write the one where nothing's quite right.

Or make the other one less right.

On the bad side, I was doing a math problem in my sleep. A problem that was somehow involved with a medical drama--like Gray's or General Hospital. Definitely not House, though.

I really, really need help.

...On the good/bad side... interesting ramble on the nature of death. I need to write it. It's... I honestly don't know if it's a characterthing or a mething.  I think it's a mething. There's no characterization involved, I think, although some of my characters certainly share the opinion with me.

I need to find that speech. "For in that sleep of death what dreams may come." That one.

WARNING: Lots of pointless and angsty and possibly drama-queen-ish rambling.  Skip if you get annoyed by all of that.  This is the result of my not being able to talk to people and instead writing it out.  This is also the result of working on and off for three weeks.  So it's incoherent and insane and generally pointless.  Skip if you have any sense.  If you're actually interested in what insanity is currently going through my head, go ahead and read, and comment to tell me if you think I need to get over myself.  God knows I think so, but I needed to work through my thought process.

Before I get to anything else... Tifami Sollaredo.  Hee. Official new character.  Girlfriend in my novel.  May not be totally likable, but that's because if you want to know how to pronounce it, go look up a solfege scale.  I fucking hate solfege. And it screws me over.  (Tee-fah-mee Sole-lah-rey-dough.  Essentially.)  So nyeh. Take that, solfege.

*Sigh*

There's a picture of Andrew sitting on my desk. I dunno where mum found it.  I miss him.

I dropped working on my English paper a few weekends ago to talk to Christina, 'cause she called and really needed someone to talk to, it doesn't matter why.  So I rambled for a while, and uncharacteristically didn't ask if it was okay, or pretend to stop for a while.  Just 'cause... I already knew. *Sighs* Did me a lot of good too, though. I needed a chat, badly.  *Sighs*  Just... god.  I'm tired, I'm not working, and... grrh. But there were also two things I wanted to talk about a while ago, and I was reminded, so I'll write that up now before I forget again. *Hug*

Now, this is basically me... philosophizing or angsting or being a drama queen or something, so ignore it if you'd like.  But they were things I thought about for a while.

And that kind of leads in to my second point.  About people and trying.  It's something I noticed from just being at school again.


And I guess this leads me into the next bit of rambling.  Namely, on... well.  I guess love, or something like it.  Discussion of views on sex included, if you want to avoid that.


Reflection.  I didn't notice the change in me even though I saw the change in the image, because I never realized that it was a reflection until a little too late.  And I should have.  I should have taken that step back a little earlier.  It might've been easier to deal with it all that way.

I think a lot of this was... really incoherent.  I've been working on this, just needing to get it written out, for... a couple weeks now? So there's weird mood swings and stuff in it.  Ignore it if you dislike angsting and pointlessness.  It was just... necessary venting.  I need to talk things through, usually, to get the thoughts straight in my head.  But it's not like I really have anyone to talk to. So I wrote it out. *Shrug* There's a reason I write.  Sorry for taking up your time, energy, and f-list space.