So... I'm really depressed. Three possible reasons for this:

1) I actually took my meds for a couple days, and then didn't today. And as a result my nervous system got shot to hell.
2) I'm three days behind in my personal schedule and too tired to fix it.
3) I haven't dealt with my personal life that needs serious attention due to work. But... life always takes second place to working nowadays. Apparently.

But... a couple of songs just depressed me so much I started crying again. This is a bad sign.  Here's one.

 
Yeah. That. *Sighs* Also "The Freshman," but mostly the lines "For the life of me, I cannot remember/What made us think that we were wise and would never compromise/For the life of me I cannot believe we'd die for our sins/We were merely freshmen." Just... they sound like something he'd say, yeah?

Yeah.  Depressed me. Also, that on top of a pretty rendition a capella of My Immortal is enough to basically shatter my sanity. And cry.

I need something stupid and happy and unemotionally baggaged right now. Badly. ...Except music by nature is emotionally baggaged now.  Fuck it. *Curls up with lobsterplushie and listens to MIT a capella groups* 

EDIT:

This is another of them.


I have very predictable tastes. Obviously. 

EDIT: Continuing my predictable tastes...


I also like the guy singing this one. Niiice voice. Little accent, says chance "chahnce." Veeery nice. 

Final edit:

Upon yet another listen... I felt "The Freshman" deserved to be on here. Or maybe that was the voice in the back of my head singing along softly and rather sadly.

 

...Yeah. I always start crying during this song.

Thing happened in my life. Slash things didn't, and I thought I'd be able to piece my life back together after the fucking paper was in. Hah.

To do May 1, necessary before sleeping:
- Astronomy homework, all fourthreetwo parts of it. Fuck it.
- Finish Imag Word layout with files from Meems.
- Study math.

To do May 1 if possible:
- Start/write English paper on PMS (Post-Modernist Shit).
- Start/write reflection for physics.
- Write a page, two if possible.

To do May 2 before school, necessary:
- Study math
- Go in early, finalize Imag.

To do May 2 before school if possible:
- Start/write paper on PMS.
- Start/write for physics.
- Write a page or two.

To do May 2 by 8th period:
- Write paper on PMS.
- Write for physics.

To do May 2nd by the time I sleep:
- have written at least two pages from what I have so far.
- Not die.

After that, I may breathe. And deal with life, social life, psychological health, and writing.  Lots of writing, worldbuilding, etc. LOTS of worldbuilding. I need to figure out the years on this planet of mine, so that I can figure out A) how "old" the characters are and B) ...uh... what the seasons are. 'Cause... binary star system.  I REALLY want there to be a winter, though.

I'd prefer more winter to more summer. But.

In good news, the ROCKERFELLER GRANDCHILDREN are fighting Exxon to move to renewable resources. HAH! ONE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!

EDIT: And while I have not actually managed to get anything done on astronomy since getting home, I am ALMOST done with Imag--but have made more work, idiot that I am--and have started the powerpoint for my ISP. Which... almost counts as writing. Depending on how far I get, I may count it.

Right. The thing about dealing with my life, light at the end of the tunnel?

Hah. Fuck that.

If I actually end up killing myself sometime in the next few days and weeks, don't be surprised.  There's looking to be less and less I can do.

That surprise at not being in a straightjacket yet? Yeah. Well.

Maybe I should be.

EDIT: ...Sad thing is, I'm actually very close to not even exaggerating about that anymore.

The day I use THAT as my subject line?  You know I lost my mind. Seriously. Me. Avril. My cognitive abilities have vanished.

A) Postmodernism? Is SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT I HATE THEM.

B) ......

Uhm.

I need to learn to... not look at my profile to check to see if the couple people I friended lately friended back. Not 'cause of them (Trojie, you rock my socks, really).  Just... things change. And I don't know when, but I realize later that I missed something really major and I'm still stumbling along behind in stupid, hopeful, naive innocence, and... yeah.  Anyway. ...I don't really have to be tactful anymore. No one to be tactful to. *Melancholy sigh*

Gods, I shouldn't ever look at it.  Just... glad to know I'm not that... whatever. I don't feel like using the first word that occurs to me, because I want to avoid thinking about screaming arguments.  I'm too tired for them.  I think I've still lost faith in human loyalty.  ...Except not really, 'cause... I have Heather, and Tessa, and LG and Jenn, and Katie and all my wonderful Cambridge buddies, and Betsy and my school friends and they DO EXIST it's amazing, and...

It's so strange, isn't it, how one person can affect your whole world outlook?  I suppose that, as I have no reason to be tactful, I'll add that the word I was looking for is juvenile.  But... I don't fully have the energy to care anymore.

It's almost over. It has to be.

...I'm very tired. *Pause* Except that, when I say that, and my first thought is to just... sleep, to let it all go away...

And then I stop. Because I don't want it to let it all go. Not ever.  It's all I have, you know? Let it hurt, let me scream and cry... it's life. And one's a bloody idiot if one doesn't see that.  Or let it go...

And therein lies the dividing line.  Sorry, July. You're wrong about me and Tyroshaun. Because I'm not willing to give up. Ever. ...Closer to Adrian that way, ass though he can be--but he chose to live. There's a difference--and one which I need to make clear--between not wanting to die and wanting to live. He gave up. See... he and Adrian have... similarities. Except that Adrian was ALWAYS the sweet, gentle guy, very self-effacing, and he became rather bitter and dangerous and, well, psychotic; a young Tyroshaun was much more dynamic (closer to a mix of Celtan and Adrian), more charismatic, less self-effacing--and then he discovered that he was not, in fact, a god on earth, that he was incredibly fallible and couldn't do everything, and discovered it traumatically enough that he... gave up on ever actually living at about the age of eighteen. ...Which, strangely enough, is a completely consistent character trait and has been for years now. I think I pretty well straddle the two boys in character--but you're wrong about me and Tyroshaun in particular. We share things, 'cause I love him and made him a lot of what I wanted to be and what I am still afraid of being... but there are fundamental differences in outlook. I partially blame his testosterone poisoning. 

...anyway.  Uhm.  i'm gonna... go do that thing where ya reject colleges. And, y'know... try not to cry and stuff.

I want to go home.

...I don't know where that is anymore.

(I'm Shia now? ...I wonder how Nate's doing.)

If you do happen to read this, Aubrey... I've said before that talking would be nice.  That the lack-of-talking has been rather... detrimental to my mental state. And it would be nice.  Really.  It gets damn quiet around here sometimes.

...that I would be able to manage PayPal.

If anyone knows how to pay for this using it, please tell me, 'cause I don't know how to do it. Or how to do money orders, so that's out too.

Yeah, I fail. But dammit, I'm gonna get my lilacs.

...I have a headache.

And a bad day, despite many good things happening.  I'm a born teacher, apparently.

But... just...

I'm too fucking tired for life right now.  Way too fucking tired.  And... just...

I had my escape methods, ya know? And those are currently mostly gone.  Except for about one, and I'm... I dunno. I may be able to scrape up a post or two tonight for Sonora.  But...

But.  I can't.  Maybe I'll work on Shia and Cel tonight. Even though I should be writing fucking pocverse. I can't handle it tonight, though. Because I'll write that patrol, and I can't deal with the nervous breakdown it would entail.

Why do things end?  Why do people die?

Is it just to balance an equation?

So.

I'm going to sleep now.  Because I won't be sleeping for most of the next two weeks. I think I may say I'm well and truly hosed.

Literally.  And tomorrow I have to write a paper--but I would have done it before, except I'm bloody SICK and choir interfered.  I'm justified.  Anyway.  This is my last post before I go die from the stress or something.  'Cause I literally cannot afford to sleep for most of the next two weeks.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

So...

Yeah.

I get excited about SEVENTY FIVES ON TESTS NOW. *Facepalm* I hate it. I was hoping for at LEAST a B on that test, but hopefully that'll pull my grade firmly up to the C range, and the ISP will help. Which is fucking GOOD, as I don't know ANYTHING that's happening now.

I'm also sick as a dog now.  Hacking up a lung, practically.  Argh. I don't need this shit, seriously. And I'm not really even hosed, and I FEEL like I am.  Kendra would laugh at me SO much.  *Guilty*

I want it to be fucking September already.

So I'll sit here and cough and cough until it's time for me to go to rehearsal with my group.

It's funny how much I really do like certain people at my school. And Tom's been nice to me lately. Like, he said goodbye to me once. It's nice, actually. Healing, in a way, to leave our old mutual sneering behind and work together to perform just once, for one small celebration of our lives we've shared for seven years with our friends.

I would never want to stay. I want it to end.  It's over and done with.  But... it doesn't mean that, in the end, I don't like them a little, and it doesn't mean that I won't think of a few happy moments with fondness.  There were good things that happened to me, the last seven years of my life.  There really were.  Friendships, parties, jokes, laughter, concerts, jams, trips, hijinx, pirate hats, power tools, gaffe tape, stories, worlds that came to life, and a lot of love.  A lot of learning to love and trust.  Maybe it hurt like hell in the end, and I learned why you have to be cautious about love, but...

But there was a lot of love.  And there were some really fucking wonderful things.

And some truly beautiful songs.

Not long now, people.  Soon.

*Listens to MIT a capella groups.*

I remember there was a song I couldn't remember the name of when I quoted a line from it, and I knew the line was a line from SOMEWHERE. It was Everything You Want, although I accidentally misquoted it a little.

Carrot? IS MY LIFE. I love him. And aaaah, Vimes/Sybil FTW. OTP. Really. Aaaaah.  Vimes is my HERO.

But Carrot? Would get homesick for the mines and would apparently sit in the cellar and hit himself over the head with an axe handle. *FACEPALM* Seriously, that boy has to have brain damage from hitting his head on the roof so often and knocking himself out. I love him so freaking much. My sweet little kingy boy.

In other news? I'm going to kill myself sometime soon, I think.  Maybe next week, if things don't shape up.

Bye for now.

...

I want to go die. I'm tired, I'm stressing, I'm incapable of working, I'm a horrible person, I won't get to go to the school I want to go to most, I hate my school I'm at, I'm going to hugely disappoint my parents, and everything's my fault, and I'm alone, and I want to cry hysterically, and I can't.

At least I finally named Celadan and Shia. Well, Shia's only half-named, but still.  something-rashia.  I like them.  Celadan's older brother needs a name. Not that he's in much but that one history arc thing, but...

I can't even bloody focus on writing the thing I'm SUPPOSED to be writing and just sit here playing with a hugely melodramatic love story. And I hate melodrama.  But I want to play with court intrigue, and... yargh.

Bren and Rania: arranged marriage, start to like each other, get screwed over by his brother,
Celadan and Shia: He courts her and actually loves her, she rather likes him (quite a bit) but doesn't really love him and marries him for political reasons. Get screwed over by her family.
Elemental!verse: there's a love match with political ramifications, but it's mainly two mages who just understand each other better than anyone else could.
Shattered!verse: arranged match, friendly enough, they're never in love per se.
Apocalypse!verse: ...Tifami marries... whatshisname, I forget who, eventually. For love (which rather startles her).  Neran marries a nice girl who grew up around the school and who's got a kid. (Neran's the CUTEST surrogate dad. And the cutest nonsexual soulmate EVER.)  Other notes... uhm... geezes. There are some arranged and/or political marriages that don't turn out so well running around, but I have a lower incidence of nobility in 'poc!verse than the others. Possibly because in the others the main characters are, respectively: second son and later crown prince, bastard son of the king who's actually good friends with his legitimate older brother, people from all different social classes, and a crown prince. ...Okay, well, really Glen's the focus of Shattered, but the prince (who nees to be renamed... I hate his name at the moment) is the one with the marriage involved. But 'poc!verse? Mostly lower class people involved. Literally, the merchant-scholar class is about the very highest it gets.

And that pointless ramble was mainly to keep from having a nervous breakdown.  Because right now I honestly want to go cry.

...Summer. Come summer, a new beginning.  Rebirth.

...I wonder if I'll be in the Orkneys on the solstice. Maybe I can find the Standing Stones mentioned in that Loreena McKennitt song that morning, though due to the time I won't be able to be there when I'd like to be, but at least I can stay in my room and watch the dawn...

"Here" being high school.

Honestly? Way too effing lazy to do any kind of April Fool's thing. Whatever.  Don't care.

Will try to finish my short story for Imag today

Anyway, I have figured out (due to a report of a Suefic) just what bothers me about Mary Sue Fanfiction.  They generally muck with characterization, they sometimes add whole races and kingdoms... it's not that it does that to my canon that bothers me as much as the fact that it's really ORIGINAL FICTION. The only connection to "canon" is that it has, maybe, the same hot guys and a few of the same place names because someone's too lazy to develop it themselves.  If you're going to ignore canon like that, it's not fanfiction, it's just really bloody lazy original fic.  Now, on the one hand, this is doable in a 'verse like, say, Velgarth--where you can use the institutions and the kind of people (Heralds) and follow canon history and culture and do an original fic with OCs and have it be totally doable, because it's both at once, yes?  But...

If you're going to claim Elrond's a rapist or some ridiculous shit like that, or that Arda dragons aren't evil, just make your own bloody world.  Post it on Fictionpress. You can even use Arda as your main reference and be just as vague in your descriptions, and honestly, no one will ever notice it. And it'll spare all us people who want to see different takes on canon from your original fic.

Anyway. End rant.  I wanna be in Boston now, kthnxbye.