Sharing this, just 'cause it is TOTALLY a Giles-Scoobie conversation (dunno if it'd be Xander or Buffy, or POSSIBLY Oz if he were being really sarcastic--OZISLOVE), or possibly Chris-Tamara, because... well, I can see it happening.

British professor: I was walking around Oxford one day and I heard these two young lads, couldn't have been more than eight, say "bitches and hoes."
Student: Could you please say that phrase again?
British professor: ... No.

I loves my British.  Hmm. Junior year is definitely happening. Absolutely. I won't let it not happen. Maybe I'll just do five year Masters so I can have four years at my lovely MIT and still spend my junior year traipsing about the wilds of Cambridge, UK.

...Hi. This is your random, "Yes, I live" update. After my minor nervous breakdown of yesterday, I thought I'd put it up.

Now I just need to write a paper in about two hours, email it, be like "...Ooops, sorry, it's right here, forgot!" and go make a flashlight. Cool, huh?

EDIT: While we're at it, because I always forget to mention this: I keep seeing postings for "The Hush Sound," some band or other, on various communities and stuff. My reaction, EVERY TIME: ..."WTF? The Hush Sound? That would be... silence. No one could talk in Hush! ....Dammit, Buffy!"

Thing happened in my life. Slash things didn't, and I thought I'd be able to piece my life back together after the fucking paper was in. Hah.

To do May 1, necessary before sleeping:
- Astronomy homework, all fourthreetwo parts of it. Fuck it.
- Finish Imag Word layout with files from Meems.
- Study math.

To do May 1 if possible:
- Start/write English paper on PMS (Post-Modernist Shit).
- Start/write reflection for physics.
- Write a page, two if possible.

To do May 2 before school, necessary:
- Study math
- Go in early, finalize Imag.

To do May 2 before school if possible:
- Start/write paper on PMS.
- Start/write for physics.
- Write a page or two.

To do May 2 by 8th period:
- Write paper on PMS.
- Write for physics.

To do May 2nd by the time I sleep:
- have written at least two pages from what I have so far.
- Not die.

After that, I may breathe. And deal with life, social life, psychological health, and writing.  Lots of writing, worldbuilding, etc. LOTS of worldbuilding. I need to figure out the years on this planet of mine, so that I can figure out A) how "old" the characters are and B) ...uh... what the seasons are. 'Cause... binary star system.  I REALLY want there to be a winter, though.

I'd prefer more winter to more summer. But.

In good news, the ROCKERFELLER GRANDCHILDREN are fighting Exxon to move to renewable resources. HAH! ONE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!

EDIT: And while I have not actually managed to get anything done on astronomy since getting home, I am ALMOST done with Imag--but have made more work, idiot that I am--and have started the powerpoint for my ISP. Which... almost counts as writing. Depending on how far I get, I may count it.

So... strange thing about my moods, lately, is that I can swing from one to the other with no warning, one minute to the next--and that I can be depressed about my grades and life and still be hyperactive high.  This is particularly true when my medicine keeps me from having an anxiety stress nervous breakdown.

But.

We did Fine Arts Awards today.

I... oh my GOD. I was pissed the alto section leader got an honorable mention for the concert choir.  She sucks. Doesn't show up half the time.  Choir president got award for that choir.  But... BUT. Tenor section leader--Tom, the boy who was a bitch to me but has been nicer lately--got the award for the top, a capella choir--and I got the honorable mention. Only non-section leader. *Beams* Didn't get any mentions for Jazz, which PISSED ME OF PARRISH I'VE DONE IT FOR FOUR YEARS AND I AM YOUR FUCKING PIANIST.

But.  BUT!

I GOT THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT AWARD. As in, for the whole music department.  For excellence and contribution to multiple musical disciplines. *BEAMS* I'm so happy.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT AWARD.

I... my god. I'm actually, like, leader in my school in music.

Just... eeeh. I'm so HAPPY.

Then I was like "Crap, I turned into JP!" Heh.  I love him. He's my cellist bass guy who went to Princeton.

Just... yey.

...By now, this afternoon, I'm very tired, hungry, bitter again, and just not up to this shit again. But... I'm still so happy!

Me.  Music award. From the fucking department. Because, apparently, I'm the best all-around musician at the school right now.

*SQUEEEEEEEEEEE*

See Lee.

See Lee die.

Die, Lee, die!

Okay, so I'm not sure if the minute or so late I was will count. Hopefully "in transit of email" will count as, y'know, being that minute or two late. -_-. DAMN WELL BETTER, RAULSTON. THAT IS THREE FUCKING THOUSAND WORDS OF QUALITY BULLSHITTING YOU HAVE THERE! *BEAMS* AND SINCE ABOUT THREE O CLOCK THIS MORNING, TOO.

...When I let my final grade rest on four hours of work, after no sleep and WAY too much scifi and anime? You know I have problems. But I basically analyzed modernism and existentialism and proceeded to deconstruct postmodernism, which is REALLY what my paper was about (and NOT actually form enhancing content, please GOD let him not notice that... -_-) but HEY, the first sentence of my paper was "As any debater, lawyer, senator, or overstressed English student will attest to, sometimes how an argument is presented is more important than the argument itself."  Voila my paper. Wondefully evil and self-referential, ja?

Also. This is the announcement of my living. I have not lived since about Friday afternoon, as I was in a state of perpetual limbo over this paper. But I live now.

And will now go die and try to get some sleep. I'm skipping school today. It can fuck itself.

...Also, I TOTALLY worked in The Name of the Rose as my final deconstruction of postmodernism AND MANAGED TO END MY PAPER WITH A SPEECH FROM DEATH. *CACKLES MADLY* The one about an atom of justice, a molecule of mercy. From Hogfather? *Snickers* I have a HUGEASS works cited list. Name of the Rose, Borges, Camus, Kafka, Sartre, Ives, Beckett, Nietzsche, a quote from Wittgenstein, and Pratchett. HAH.

I, my friends, conquer. Even if I fail this paper.

...I will deal with my life, that fucking magazine, that fucking novel I promised I'd do for a grade (I just need to pass, I can half-ass the fucking thing although I LOVE YOU TROJIE FOR HELPING ME WITH THE WHOLE MAGICAL APOCALYPSE WITH THE WHITE DWARFkthnxdone), and... uh...

I might start drawing. Just maybe.

-_-. If I do? Blame Adrian. The bastard's psychopathic enough.

...I am corrected. Sociopathic.

...No, sorry, you DO get labeled insane, hon.

EEEEEEELLLLGEEEEEEE. You need to let me know when you'll be online so I can raaaaaaaamble at you! *Beams* Especially as I've actually solidified all my social workings now, and just need to clear up minor plot points, sequences of scenes, etc.! You'll get fun scenes!

Also, WELCOME HOME JENN! I know you're upset to be back. But I'm happy to have you, and... I WILL BE IN BOSTON THIS FALL! (Assuming I don't fail first.) *SQUEE* That'll be fun, yes?

...Dear, dear readers, whosoever and howsofew you may be, I have lost my mind. Also, I quoted "Form of Things Unknown" for my title. Yeeeaaah, basically a Sandman AND a Pratchett moment in a paper.  I win.  Or lose. Or something.

Either way? My life is starting to return in snatches and glimmers of hope.  I'm so clooooooose... (Also? *HEADDESK* It's a bloody wonder I'm not in a straightjacket right now. I just want this clear.)

AAAHIWANNADRAW.

Sorry for the long quote as a subject.  But only Giles can fully express the depth of my distaste for the educational system at the moment.  It truly, truly makes me wish I had a plotbunny and an outlet at the moment for venting. Except I have no math teacher characters. (This is partly because they would turn into my father, and I have one of those already. Admittedly, in history and/or English and/or magical and/or military and/or general all around TEACHER guy. Except in math, as... uh, he is so bad at it as to be in danger of bankrupting himself if he's allowed near a pocketbook.  Why is he so cute? And he IS.  Aaaah. Except he's minorly an ass, not really nice to his baby boy, and while he's morally wonderful and socially and politically active... one on one? Not so fun. Unless you share his sadistic sense of humor. Meaning mostly unless you're me.)

Anyway.

Method? Should NEVER be accepted as a substitute for analysis.  *Disgust* Because people learn method and don't learn the thing itself.  Just... UGH.  It makes me SICK, that people know how to use the tray but don't actually know a DAMN THING about what they're doing. It honestly just makes me sick.  *Shudders*

Tommy Tunes tonight. I may give you guys pictures of the GORGEOUSNESS of my dress (and the somewhat undermined gorgeousness of me in it).  And I'll let ya know how my gayboy does.  ...i want food...

...I also want to play with Adrian. WHY IS HE AWESOME?!

I want a part-time job teaching.

Preferably teaching high school calculus, regular track.  Aaaaah, so much fun. SO much fun.

And I even explained limits using Xeno's Paradox a la football today. *Gleeees*

I wants food. Hmm.

Happy birthday to my childhood love.  Who has been less of an ass to me lately, so I will wish him a happy birthday with true joy.

It's almost over, people--and I'm slowly getting happier.  And...

If I can just write this fucking paper and my ISP, I'll be golden. Golden, and happy, and... my life will make sense again.

In my Jenness' idiom, peace out. 

So.

I'm going to sleep now.  Because I won't be sleeping for most of the next two weeks. I think I may say I'm well and truly hosed.

Literally.  And tomorrow I have to write a paper--but I would have done it before, except I'm bloody SICK and choir interfered.  I'm justified.  Anyway.  This is my last post before I go die from the stress or something.  'Cause I literally cannot afford to sleep for most of the next two weeks.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

So...

Yeah.

I get excited about SEVENTY FIVES ON TESTS NOW. *Facepalm* I hate it. I was hoping for at LEAST a B on that test, but hopefully that'll pull my grade firmly up to the C range, and the ISP will help. Which is fucking GOOD, as I don't know ANYTHING that's happening now.

I'm also sick as a dog now.  Hacking up a lung, practically.  Argh. I don't need this shit, seriously. And I'm not really even hosed, and I FEEL like I am.  Kendra would laugh at me SO much.  *Guilty*

I want it to be fucking September already.

So I'll sit here and cough and cough until it's time for me to go to rehearsal with my group.

It's funny how much I really do like certain people at my school. And Tom's been nice to me lately. Like, he said goodbye to me once. It's nice, actually. Healing, in a way, to leave our old mutual sneering behind and work together to perform just once, for one small celebration of our lives we've shared for seven years with our friends.

I would never want to stay. I want it to end.  It's over and done with.  But... it doesn't mean that, in the end, I don't like them a little, and it doesn't mean that I won't think of a few happy moments with fondness.  There were good things that happened to me, the last seven years of my life.  There really were.  Friendships, parties, jokes, laughter, concerts, jams, trips, hijinx, pirate hats, power tools, gaffe tape, stories, worlds that came to life, and a lot of love.  A lot of learning to love and trust.  Maybe it hurt like hell in the end, and I learned why you have to be cautious about love, but...

But there was a lot of love.  And there were some really fucking wonderful things.

And some truly beautiful songs.

Not long now, people.  Soon.

*Listens to MIT a capella groups.*

I forget what song that's from.  Strange. But anyway, it's more things-I-wish-I'd-done than anything. Mainly, take my medicine, written, and worked.

Bah.

I have a lot I want to say, ramblings about Bionicle and OP and my geekness and my hopes and fears that have built up more and more lately.

But...

Well.

All that can wait for another time and place.  There are more important things than how I'm feeling right now. (It feels sometimes like I do that a lot--shove aside my own feelings for something or someone else.)

I have more friends at school than I thought. *Faint smile* Elena and I hung out a bit. Was fun.

I won't miss this place or these people much... but I'll miss them all a little, I think.  A very little.

For the moment, I'll stick to this: Interactive Fiction, ZOMIGODCANONCOAT, TOA OF TWILIGHT WITH LIGHT AND DARK, and I might get my junk in today. Whoot.

Oh, and as a note: Sonora's term has started, and applications are still open for another week and a half if you're interested! Comment if you want the URL. Sonora being the Wizard-School-in-Arizona game. I meant to have friendly-silent-Scottish-baby and bitchy-Scottish-boy-running-for-Malfoy's-hateability.  Except the former will apparently end up being the guy who knows ALL the gossip (though he never spreads it, as he doesn't talk) latter was sorted into the smart house and was sitting with a boy who turned out to be Irish, and was friendly. Before he shut up and went back to huddling. *Sighs* Damn you, characters, for undermining my intentions. *Grins* Have I mentioned I'm having fun?

...

I want to go die. I'm tired, I'm stressing, I'm incapable of working, I'm a horrible person, I won't get to go to the school I want to go to most, I hate my school I'm at, I'm going to hugely disappoint my parents, and everything's my fault, and I'm alone, and I want to cry hysterically, and I can't.

At least I finally named Celadan and Shia. Well, Shia's only half-named, but still.  something-rashia.  I like them.  Celadan's older brother needs a name. Not that he's in much but that one history arc thing, but...

I can't even bloody focus on writing the thing I'm SUPPOSED to be writing and just sit here playing with a hugely melodramatic love story. And I hate melodrama.  But I want to play with court intrigue, and... yargh.

Bren and Rania: arranged marriage, start to like each other, get screwed over by his brother,
Celadan and Shia: He courts her and actually loves her, she rather likes him (quite a bit) but doesn't really love him and marries him for political reasons. Get screwed over by her family.
Elemental!verse: there's a love match with political ramifications, but it's mainly two mages who just understand each other better than anyone else could.
Shattered!verse: arranged match, friendly enough, they're never in love per se.
Apocalypse!verse: ...Tifami marries... whatshisname, I forget who, eventually. For love (which rather startles her).  Neran marries a nice girl who grew up around the school and who's got a kid. (Neran's the CUTEST surrogate dad. And the cutest nonsexual soulmate EVER.)  Other notes... uhm... geezes. There are some arranged and/or political marriages that don't turn out so well running around, but I have a lower incidence of nobility in 'poc!verse than the others. Possibly because in the others the main characters are, respectively: second son and later crown prince, bastard son of the king who's actually good friends with his legitimate older brother, people from all different social classes, and a crown prince. ...Okay, well, really Glen's the focus of Shattered, but the prince (who nees to be renamed... I hate his name at the moment) is the one with the marriage involved. But 'poc!verse? Mostly lower class people involved. Literally, the merchant-scholar class is about the very highest it gets.

And that pointless ramble was mainly to keep from having a nervous breakdown.  Because right now I honestly want to go cry.

...Summer. Come summer, a new beginning.  Rebirth.

...I wonder if I'll be in the Orkneys on the solstice. Maybe I can find the Standing Stones mentioned in that Loreena McKennitt song that morning, though due to the time I won't be able to be there when I'd like to be, but at least I can stay in my room and watch the dawn...