The day I use THAT as my subject line?  You know I lost my mind. Seriously. Me. Avril. My cognitive abilities have vanished.

A) Postmodernism? Is SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT I HATE THEM.

B) ......

Uhm.

I need to learn to... not look at my profile to check to see if the couple people I friended lately friended back. Not 'cause of them (Trojie, you rock my socks, really).  Just... things change. And I don't know when, but I realize later that I missed something really major and I'm still stumbling along behind in stupid, hopeful, naive innocence, and... yeah.  Anyway. ...I don't really have to be tactful anymore. No one to be tactful to. *Melancholy sigh*

Gods, I shouldn't ever look at it.  Just... glad to know I'm not that... whatever. I don't feel like using the first word that occurs to me, because I want to avoid thinking about screaming arguments.  I'm too tired for them.  I think I've still lost faith in human loyalty.  ...Except not really, 'cause... I have Heather, and Tessa, and LG and Jenn, and Katie and all my wonderful Cambridge buddies, and Betsy and my school friends and they DO EXIST it's amazing, and...

It's so strange, isn't it, how one person can affect your whole world outlook?  I suppose that, as I have no reason to be tactful, I'll add that the word I was looking for is juvenile.  But... I don't fully have the energy to care anymore.

It's almost over. It has to be.

...I'm very tired. *Pause* Except that, when I say that, and my first thought is to just... sleep, to let it all go away...

And then I stop. Because I don't want it to let it all go. Not ever.  It's all I have, you know? Let it hurt, let me scream and cry... it's life. And one's a bloody idiot if one doesn't see that.  Or let it go...

And therein lies the dividing line.  Sorry, July. You're wrong about me and Tyroshaun. Because I'm not willing to give up. Ever. ...Closer to Adrian that way, ass though he can be--but he chose to live. There's a difference--and one which I need to make clear--between not wanting to die and wanting to live. He gave up. See... he and Adrian have... similarities. Except that Adrian was ALWAYS the sweet, gentle guy, very self-effacing, and he became rather bitter and dangerous and, well, psychotic; a young Tyroshaun was much more dynamic (closer to a mix of Celtan and Adrian), more charismatic, less self-effacing--and then he discovered that he was not, in fact, a god on earth, that he was incredibly fallible and couldn't do everything, and discovered it traumatically enough that he... gave up on ever actually living at about the age of eighteen. ...Which, strangely enough, is a completely consistent character trait and has been for years now. I think I pretty well straddle the two boys in character--but you're wrong about me and Tyroshaun in particular. We share things, 'cause I love him and made him a lot of what I wanted to be and what I am still afraid of being... but there are fundamental differences in outlook. I partially blame his testosterone poisoning. 

...anyway.  Uhm.  i'm gonna... go do that thing where ya reject colleges. And, y'know... try not to cry and stuff.

I want to go home.

...I don't know where that is anymore.

(I'm Shia now? ...I wonder how Nate's doing.)

If you do happen to read this, Aubrey... I've said before that talking would be nice.  That the lack-of-talking has been rather... detrimental to my mental state. And it would be nice.  Really.  It gets damn quiet around here sometimes.

Except, uh, I'm not actually with the Elvish thing... -_-.

That's a very useful smiley, I've noticed.

Anyway. *Clears throat* DAMN YOU SONORA! *Sulk* First you make my anti-social-brat character SOCIABLE because there's an Irish boy in his house and he's latching on to the whole Gael thing, and now he's feeling sorry for being downright rude and evil to the American girl who can't even understand half of what they're saying, and is being... nice. He should be trying to impersonate Draco or something in sheer bitchiness. ARGH. YOU KILLED MY GOOD INTENTIONS.

And even WORSE, Sonora... THE IRISH BOY'S WRITER KNOWS IRISH WORDS FOR SOME THINGS. AND USES THEM. AS IN, FUCK YOU, I AM GOING TO BE FORCED TO LEARN GAELIC JUST TO BLOODY POST WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY STARTS TALKING IN SCOTS GAELIC TO THE IRISH BOY. *SULKglowerglare*

Although the number of random phrases I know in Gaelic is growing! *Beams* Word for Highlands? Gaidhealtachd. WTF, no?

In conclusion... Sonora? I love you to death. More than words can say.

But you'll drive me insane (possibly with the happy).

Also... *Clears throat* More on this later, but I'll be out of town Thursday to Sunday.  I ought to locate internet somewhere, though. *Nervous...*

All this reminds me, though, LG, mi amiga. We need to play with Camus and Tyrone some time. Really. Library boys. Whee. (BTW, we just read The Fall by Albert Camus last month and I can't look at Camus's name without laughing.)

Also, I REALLY want one of my 'verses to see a supernova in their galaxy.

My head's woozy.

And I feel vaguely nauseous.

And my father's in my bedroom building his damn computer. I'm kicking him out soon, I think. So I can sleep and get up early to do physics. Ugh.

I wish I'd been more awake this evening, but... I really wasn't. At all. I'd've liked to keep writing. I have inspiration again.  And Shattered!verse FINALLY clicked more into place than before. *Sigh of relief* And I get to have magical critters there, too.  ...And Elemental!verse has minor magical!critters. Not nearly as exaggerated as Shattered!verse, which is also the ritual-type magic place. Which is odd in and of itself, for me. I'm so elementally oriented it's sad.

But... yeah. Good day writing wise. LG, you save my ass. Really. Sorry I didn't do Denerais, unless I did by the time I went to sleep.  Just... I more or less keeled over and died.

I'm... in a bad mood. I hate having things hanging over me. But I feel so much better in many ways than I did yesterday.  Christina... and LG especially. Worldbuilding soothes me, apparently. As does writing about death and realizing what I'm trying to say about it in this one piece.

On which note, Tyroshaun finally started speaking to me again. I mean, he was talking to me. He's nice that way. Big brotherish.  But... damn.  He apparently is mad at me, actually, but he's capable of talking to me other than either mocking bad singers or idiots or making me laugh.  And Cinaed's back. He'd been gone for a little while. And apparently has a stronger tendency than before to speaking in high brow polite tones. *eyeroll* He's as bad or WORSE than Giles.  But amusing. (The guy on TDS last night apparently tried to say "You're fucked" in a Scottish accent. Cinaed mocked his failage at that. And earned a thwap from his wife. It amused me greatly.)

I want a Regency dress. Badly. Or Buffy's dress.

Also, I'm looking longingly at spaceships right now. Spaceships and alien races and... gah. My head is bad today. *Sigh* Physics now.

(...Why do I want to say I miss Jon?)

John (gayboy lead singer at school) was nice enough to call me and tell me rehearsal was moved back to 8pm, so I got to sleep extra long this afternoon. Thank god.

I fail at life.

but... mainly, at the moment... Heath Ledger's dead.  Y'know, I mean, I wasn't a huge fan, and it's mostly just hitting me 'cause it's so soon after Jared and he's a blond young looking type like Jared was.  And that it was an overdose, but apparently not a suicide.

And... well.

*Sighs* Well, I was planning my arranged!marriage storything earlier anyway. So that... makes me feel... somewhat better, I guess. Not really. But I can pretend it does.

Weirdest fucking year.

 EDIT: "I watched him even then as he fell, his face undefeated, his eyes still proud[...] the Morningstar."

Fucking hell, Gaiman. Why do you kill me? Just... agh. And the only blood, and... WHY?! AAAACH. Just... gods above, that thing just about stopped my heart.

So I have associations--so screw me.  But... Valar preserve me.  That line just... it just about stopped my heart.

I feel useless.

Okay. So I was going to post my exuberance on Friday. I'll go back and edit that post and do the update on those coupla days in a little while. I haven't had the energy. It was a strange high. I promise I'll go back and write it up, though, because OH MY GOD MY CHOIR DIRECTOR IS FUCKING INSANE I LOVE HIM. *Giggles* Just... oh Scotty B.

But... uhm. Yesterday I had piano lesson--I LOVE Mozart, really I do. And love sightreading him, playing him, analyzing every chord as I go along that I can while still playing... aaaaah, music.  Anyway, then my Tessa came over and we watched Fruits Basket. It was lots of fun.  I love my Tessa. And I gave her the Audrey Hepburn book that I got that I didn't care for one way or another, but she LOVES Hepburn, so... she's happy. And that makes me happy. Even if we didn't get to see Golden Compass. Bah humbug.  Today, had rehearsal, forgot, was late, etc, bad day. Ugh.

Tyroshaun is incredibly good at the guilt complex thing. Lord, he'll find a way to blame himself for anything and everything.

... WARNING. This is a writing-filled post and there are five hundred tags because... well, yes. It's everything that's in here. And a summary of my mind at the moment, so it is necessary. For my record keeping. Skip ahead if you'd like.

Anyway. The other thing about yesterday... I rambled at/with LG, and WHOOT FOR WORLDBUILDING. Ohmigod, LG, you save my life.   Just... lord oh lord, you save my life. And I get to keep my other 'verse too now, despite Apocalypse!verse... which is what I'm calling that one, for the simple fact that... okay, I'll put that in below with my list of my private playground 'verses. So I've essentially got four 'verses right now, one on the front burner, one sort of... in the tea-kettle for sipping at, and two on the back burner.  One... based off an interesting fanfic idea I had that I may change so that I just have the epic sort of thing in that time period, so I'm not sure if I ought to count it as a verse or just a story. That's in the incubator.  And sort of in the pantry--not hot or cold and for snacking on, are my JA fanfic ideas.  Mostly P&P.  My Jeeves-JA mix, and my new theater!P&P fic.  (Come on, you all saw that coming--did you think I could resist the idea?)  I'm REALLY going to make Darcy blond in one of them. Just to break the paradigm. Not light blond, but... not blond. You can be broody without being dark-haired, dammit! I also do have a shortfic idea, for Sandman. *Grins* A Sweeney-Sandman story, actually. I mean... if Sweeney isn't a nightmare, than what is? Or it'll be a Corinthian-influencing-Benjamin-Barker/Sweeney-Todd.  But mainly I'd like to see Dream and Sweeney talking. *Grins*

...I love my head sometimes. *Grins* Now, the summary of the 'verses and the fics (and if you'd like any further information, please feel free to give me a nudge or ask for an email. ...why I'm offering, I don't know, as this is mostly for my own reference and mostly the five people who read this either A) already know, or B) will be told anyway by my rambling (sorry, LG-san), or C) won't be interested. I mean... the reason I keep this is mostly for my own memory, y'know? It's not like I have hordes of friends to keep up with... I never have. The ones I keep up with, I keep up with. I just need to write things out sometimes... anyway, still. If you'd like more info/the long and detailed plot explanation, let me know and I'll give it to you! Just be warned about the hours it'll need):

(...I don't know why I find the real world so damn boring. It's all about the high fantasy and the magic and occasionally the spaceships for me. It's odd. ...SPACESHIPS AHOY!)

So those are my seven (or nine... whoa, hey, my two favorite Significant Numbers!) ideas for writing lately. Sorry for the time I'm taking up, but I really, really needed to get that out. And it brought a smile to my face, which... I also desperately needed.  When I start singing from Assassins? Help is needed.

(With this analogy, you could say ideas seven and eight, the musicals, are the liquor cabinet: oh so enticing, out of bounds, and... ah, inducing giggles and insanity.)

...It occurs to me, now, that I HATE cooking and so maybe all those cooking analogies were singularly... bad.  Uhm. Usually I think of my head as a library, or a common room.  Or maybe a house.  A theater'd be a good analogy.  I'll... think of a better way of putting it.

Uhm. #1 is the big money high-class show (...Dunno, maybe a highly acclaimed Shakespeare or... dunno, Sweeney?), #2 the avant garde side gig (Mirrormask), #s 3 and 4 are scripts stuffed in a file drawer 'cause no one's bought 'em yet or in pre-production (Feeling Electric/whatever it's called now stupidheads), #s 5 and 6 are community theatre (my school's Crazy for You), #s 7 and 8 are The A Daily Show and The Colbert Report (bert/port, not bear/pore...), and #9 is that great idea about spaceships you had and haven't gotten around to dealing with.  To put it all in show-biz terms.

All I need to add to that is to have a #10 that was a long-running show that got cancelled. ...I wonder what some of those people who stuck around so long'll do... 

...My first smile in a while. That felt good.

EDIT: ... Aaand "I Know The Truth" is on. And it's making me, like, want to go curl up and die.  Partly for me, partly because I've got a hysterically sobbing character on my hands and it's painful. ...No. that's not right. Not sobbing. Not hysterical. Just...... this spot where everything sort of... curls up on itself, into a singularity. It's like a... grey hole? Not as extreme as a black hole, but... lord. It's hard.

I hate the south. Hush. Nothing specific, just... ignore the randomosity of the subject.

*Sniffles and touches a handkerchief to her eyes* Oh, knights. Noble-bred knights.  All the same, looks wise.  I love them, so much. So very, very much... Denerais has officially Made Me Sad. Bitter, wasted old man. And if only he had a pretty face...

...Okay, if he had a pretty face I'd be bawling right now, because he'd be the embodiement of what killing a hero young is useful for.  Just... oh dear. *Clings to Denerais* And he knows he's set in his ways and that it's bad, but he knows he can't change... *Wibblecling*

I also love Aderais, for being a crazy, stupid, hot-headed young knight. And not in the adorable cute good blockheaded way Cinaed is. Just... blockheaded. Itmakes him a little cute, but my god, he NEVER THINKS. Oh, Aderais...

Also... I was looking for a picture of a guy in armor, a specific one from way back when (speaking of...) and... stumbled across something I'd forgotten. And... *Sniff. Sniff* Just...

*Sighs and sniffles. And... cries. So much* I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten why I fell in love with the story in the first place.  Odd, in retrospect, how the gentleness came back. It got misplaced for a while.  One quote.  Just... two sentences, a few words, a few images and one sweet picture, and I remember why I loved it all so much. *Sighs* I'll... talk about it once Denerais and Aderais are dealt with.

EDIT: ...David Wenham and Bernard Hill. My mind is a sad, sad place.  ALL HAIL THE VALIANT KNIGHTS OF GONDOR AND THE BRAVE RIDERS OF ROHAN.

I fail.

.............Pretend that subject line never happened.

But.

So I join Kanin. Nice, normal guy. Completely, totally, painfully normal.  With a large family. Owner promptly makes him a mage, despite my stressing in the post how.... normal he is, and how large a family he is, as it means his WHOLE FAMILY IS MAGES.  And then, for lack of ideas, I take LG's PERFECT suggestion of having him have minor voice magic--requires a certain volume/frequency.  But it ish voice fucking magic.  I send him to be a rider.  He gets a mount. A gryphon *which totally doesn't make Lee start thinking of Alanna, which doesn't make her think of Small Female Knights*. Black leopard for cat part(leopard was once a certain boy with twin's shapeshift) but more importantly...

Black. Fucking. Eagle.

We've been over this before.  BLACK EAGLE. *FACE FUCKING PALM* IN A BONDED. That happened in PREJAZD. And... BLACK EAGLE IS... GAH! As long as no one puts shiny yellow things on him, I won't start screaming.

I AM NOT DOING THIS. THIS IS NOT ME. THE WORLD CONSPIRES AGAINST ME. IT HATES ME, IT...

Please excuse this brief announcement.  Lee would like to say she is crowing with happiness over the fact that she seems to have Charmed The Owner.  And is now going off to take a major role to herself (specifying non-mages, too).  Poor girl, she looks for variety and gets comforted by her regular environment. She objects to being coddled. Also, she's complaining to God here. We would like that known.

Thank you. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

...This is so not funny. *SULK*

EDIT: ...Yes, actually, it's HILARIOUS. I'm sitting here dying of laughter.  Oh, world. There is a higher order, and it has set out to make me laugh today. It's a nice higher order. *Pats it on the head and rewards it with hot cocoa*

Also! I think I may finally be fully healthy. My ears both popped today and stopped having that stuffy-pressure feeling. Meaning I think I'm actually not sick anymore! *Crows with delight*

AAAAAACK I LOVE THIS SONG SO EFFING MUCH!

And it is the ultimate in Cinaed/Chris songs. Really. EEEEEEEEEH. I was actually DANCING to it! ...Although the song REALLY makes me want to create a character for it for my new RPG. Except this is My Cinaed/Chris Song.  Partly 'cause it's from the fire album, right? And this is the opening song.  So I just... hear the song and see it through a curtain of fire, burning the city. ....Yeah. Um. My head is a special place to live.

I LOVE THIS SONG! *DAAAAAANCE PARTAY!*

When I have time... mandolin, BEWARE MY MUSIC GENIUS SKILLZ! BWAH. ...Ignore my insanity. Please.

Anyway. NEW CHARACTERS! Slash one old one all spiffed up.

EDIT: 


EDIT: My official new quote: "Oooo... dead!Tyrone... Shiny! *Likes that!*"

EDIT (again): OH MY HOLY FUCKING GOD. I LOVE KANIN DERELAN. WHY HAVE I NOT USED HIM BEFORE?! I GOT 636 WORDS ON A SAMPLE WITH A BRAND NEW CHARACTER AND WITH HIM ACTUALLY SAYING TWO WORDS IN THE WHOLE THING. AND HE'S... AAAACK! I LOVE HIM!

So... lots of stuff, I guess. First, apologies for constant posting. Just... no one here, y'know? No one to talk to. So... I ramble.  Despite nothing happening today. I'm a fantastic sightreader--could only be better if I were actually going to be a professional musician. Odd, that my greatest talent seems to lie with the one thing that's a game and a passtime for me. Perhaps it's more that it's my greatest talent, but not really enough to justify pursuit. Otherwise...

God only knows what my life would have been like if it had been enough, or if my parents had encouraged me towards it instead of pushing me into science because music's something of a dead end 99.99% of the time.

I talked to Tess for a while today. And I'm calling Sarah, too. I miss them. And thank god you're back, Jen... lord, I miss my friends. I miss my life. Mom and Dad suggested asking Betsy over to watch physics with me. I dunno if I should.  I'm a little shy about the idea. But I'd really like to.  Betsy's been such a saving grace in my life lately--SHE IS AN ANGEL OF MERCY OH MY GOD PAINKILLERS ARE TEH LOVE.  And of course Elizabeth... I love that girl.  More and more.  (Mental note: add my Elizabeth tag to previous posts.) I really want to get to know Ren, too. She's so kickass-ly awesome I want to like worship her.  (Wren? Rin? Rine? Catherine Fondren... I don't know.)  If I don't see her on AIM much, I really need to call Christina too. ...I miss Sta. Randomly. Nostalgically.

I hate melodrama. I hate it when I get like this, all self-pitying.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.  It's sick. It's stupid. ...The fact that I'm calm and not curled up in my bed sobbing is a definite sign that my meds are working for me, after all.

I really need to finish my college applications. I need to get out of here.  It's a cliff, and my wings are spread and ready, but I keep running and running and the edge never gets any closer so I can never take the leap... Nevermind that I'm frightened to death of open edges or of falling.  "Sometimes you wake up, and sometimes, yes, you die... but sometimes when you fall, you fly."

...*Sighs* I think I'll write and then go curl up with Morpheus for a while.

I don't know if I'll work any harder in second semester. I want to, in an academic way--by academic I mean in a perfect hypothetical situation.  But... it's probably not going to happen.  I'm too tired, too unhealthy, too sick at heart from the world and my life to really care about it all anymore. I really just... don't care. It's why I've avoided the college stuff. I can't bring myself to care.

It's funny how easy it is to waste energy, all or lots of it, in uselessness or crying. And how hard it is to try to make yourself happy.

EDIT: ...I LOVE CARBON LEAF SO EFFING MUCH. *Dies* I'm listening to One Prairie Outpost... and I just found my theme song for this novel. Just... gack. So perfect. *Dead* ...I love them.... and such nice music, too.

Walter Lewin Is My Hero.

Aaaah.

Hail from the land of convalescence and physics learning.  I won't get to see Sweeney today, but I'm okay with that, because gods fucking dammit, I LIKE MY BALLAD. *SULK!* Plus it's Midwinter's Eve, and as I'm never in my life (probably not anyway, unless being sick keeps me up at night again) going to see the sunrise (shut up, I don't care, you know who you are, I am NOT A MORNING PERSON you evil little...), and I have to watch A Midwinter's Tale (a lovely movie about putting on Hamlet-you can guess why I like it).  But... what else. Yes. So I'll see Sweeney once I've finished recovering. Mom thinks it was stress.

Still, the Great Old Man of movie reviews said he almost dares to call Sweeney genius and that he hasn't been this disturbed by a movie in years. Bwaaaahahahahahahaha.... Perhaps today you gave a nod to SWEENEY TODD...

Pardon the interruption, but the writer of this blog has temporarily descended into the Marianas Trench of insanity. Except a return to the continental shelf of insanity in a few moments.

WTF. Continental shelf of... Okay, someone's been way too into Astronomy class. ...And not even the part about stars.

Which brings me to point two, or rather, back: AAAAAAAAH I LOVE WALTER LEWIN. Physics professor at MIT. Gaaaaah. I'm learning about electricity and magnetism from him, and he (unlike my fool of a teacher) said in the first few minutes that light is an electromagnetic phenomenon--I have an interpretive dance representing light as an EM wave function, btw. And I came up with it all on my own. *Proud*  Suffice it to say, however, that between these lectures, slowly realizing through what little learning my class presents, and my physics final on Tuesday, I have come to a realization.  One that honestly hadn't occurred to me.

A coulomb is a disgusting amount of charge. By disgusting, I mean... Electromagnetism's stronger when they're closer together, right? Two single coulomb charghes of opposite signs attracting each other results in the force of gravity at the surface of the earth from a little over 30 kilometers away. About nineteen miles. That's one coulomb. Now, lightning is hotter than the surface of the sun. This is no doubt due to the fact that a rough approximation of a charged thunder is +30 coulombs 3km off the ground, -30 2km high, +30 2km under ground, and -30 3km under ground. I'm not 100% sure of the calculation here, but... that's more than 16 and a half BILLION times the force of gravity.  All as light and heat.  It's a potential of, if you were curious, 19 million volts. We get 120 volts out of our wall sockets, for a comparison. It takes... about twenty, I think, to run a laptop. 19 million.

I have never been so afraid of Tyroshaun in my life. 

EDIT: Oh, right. I'm getting a lot better now.  I'm still in absent-due-to-sick mode, but... might be back around for regular life tonight.  Assuming I'm not distracted by shiny!Electric!Science!

I sit there, go "Ooooooh.... shiiiiiiiny...." And then go "Hmm, how would I apply this?" And then I get these detailed layouts of plans.

And at that point I run screaming. And bury myself in lectures with a guy who wears a fried egg shaped pin on his shirt.