Thing happened in my life. Slash things didn't, and I thought I'd be able to piece my life back together after the fucking paper was in. Hah.

To do May 1, necessary before sleeping:
- Astronomy homework, all fourthreetwo parts of it. Fuck it.
- Finish Imag Word layout with files from Meems.
- Study math.

To do May 1 if possible:
- Start/write English paper on PMS (Post-Modernist Shit).
- Start/write reflection for physics.
- Write a page, two if possible.

To do May 2 before school, necessary:
- Study math
- Go in early, finalize Imag.

To do May 2 before school if possible:
- Start/write paper on PMS.
- Start/write for physics.
- Write a page or two.

To do May 2 by 8th period:
- Write paper on PMS.
- Write for physics.

To do May 2nd by the time I sleep:
- have written at least two pages from what I have so far.
- Not die.

After that, I may breathe. And deal with life, social life, psychological health, and writing.  Lots of writing, worldbuilding, etc. LOTS of worldbuilding. I need to figure out the years on this planet of mine, so that I can figure out A) how "old" the characters are and B) ...uh... what the seasons are. 'Cause... binary star system.  I REALLY want there to be a winter, though.

I'd prefer more winter to more summer. But.

In good news, the ROCKERFELLER GRANDCHILDREN are fighting Exxon to move to renewable resources. HAH! ONE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!

EDIT: And while I have not actually managed to get anything done on astronomy since getting home, I am ALMOST done with Imag--but have made more work, idiot that I am--and have started the powerpoint for my ISP. Which... almost counts as writing. Depending on how far I get, I may count it.

See Lee.

See Lee die.

Die, Lee, die!

Okay, so I'm not sure if the minute or so late I was will count. Hopefully "in transit of email" will count as, y'know, being that minute or two late. -_-. DAMN WELL BETTER, RAULSTON. THAT IS THREE FUCKING THOUSAND WORDS OF QUALITY BULLSHITTING YOU HAVE THERE! *BEAMS* AND SINCE ABOUT THREE O CLOCK THIS MORNING, TOO.

...When I let my final grade rest on four hours of work, after no sleep and WAY too much scifi and anime? You know I have problems. But I basically analyzed modernism and existentialism and proceeded to deconstruct postmodernism, which is REALLY what my paper was about (and NOT actually form enhancing content, please GOD let him not notice that... -_-) but HEY, the first sentence of my paper was "As any debater, lawyer, senator, or overstressed English student will attest to, sometimes how an argument is presented is more important than the argument itself."  Voila my paper. Wondefully evil and self-referential, ja?

Also. This is the announcement of my living. I have not lived since about Friday afternoon, as I was in a state of perpetual limbo over this paper. But I live now.

And will now go die and try to get some sleep. I'm skipping school today. It can fuck itself.

...Also, I TOTALLY worked in The Name of the Rose as my final deconstruction of postmodernism AND MANAGED TO END MY PAPER WITH A SPEECH FROM DEATH. *CACKLES MADLY* The one about an atom of justice, a molecule of mercy. From Hogfather? *Snickers* I have a HUGEASS works cited list. Name of the Rose, Borges, Camus, Kafka, Sartre, Ives, Beckett, Nietzsche, a quote from Wittgenstein, and Pratchett. HAH.

I, my friends, conquer. Even if I fail this paper.

...I will deal with my life, that fucking magazine, that fucking novel I promised I'd do for a grade (I just need to pass, I can half-ass the fucking thing although I LOVE YOU TROJIE FOR HELPING ME WITH THE WHOLE MAGICAL APOCALYPSE WITH THE WHITE DWARFkthnxdone), and... uh...

I might start drawing. Just maybe.

-_-. If I do? Blame Adrian. The bastard's psychopathic enough.

...I am corrected. Sociopathic.

...No, sorry, you DO get labeled insane, hon.

EEEEEEELLLLGEEEEEEE. You need to let me know when you'll be online so I can raaaaaaaamble at you! *Beams* Especially as I've actually solidified all my social workings now, and just need to clear up minor plot points, sequences of scenes, etc.! You'll get fun scenes!

Also, WELCOME HOME JENN! I know you're upset to be back. But I'm happy to have you, and... I WILL BE IN BOSTON THIS FALL! (Assuming I don't fail first.) *SQUEE* That'll be fun, yes?

...Dear, dear readers, whosoever and howsofew you may be, I have lost my mind. Also, I quoted "Form of Things Unknown" for my title. Yeeeaaah, basically a Sandman AND a Pratchett moment in a paper.  I win.  Or lose. Or something.

Either way? My life is starting to return in snatches and glimmers of hope.  I'm so clooooooose... (Also? *HEADDESK* It's a bloody wonder I'm not in a straightjacket right now. I just want this clear.)

AAAHIWANNADRAW.

EDIT: IF YOU READ THIS, PLEASE TELL ME IF I REALLY LOST MY ROCKER, OR IF YOU WANT TO ACTUALLY HEAR ABOUT THE INSANITY I AM CONSTRUCTING. Thank you.

Also, it's TOTALLY all of that, plus? SPACESHIPS. LASERS. GUNS. TECH. SUPERNATURAL RACES. MAGIC. So I'm basically taking the idea of Kinslaying for a throne from Amber; of... well, Kinslaying and some of the reproductive/life-span/health/physiological patterns and tendencies towards history and language from Tolkien; the intrigue type stuff from Julio-Claudian Rome and I, Claudius; the joint rulers of Narnia; the not!angels of that idiot woman, hints of feline-anthros from... wherever you like (just markings on skin or eye shape or coloring of hair, no fur, I'm not weirdish); the spaceships and the mixed high and low tech of Firefly; a dash of magic, a pinch of sarcasm, a bucket of grief, a generous dollop of romance, a lot of insanity, huge amounts of time out of the work I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, stirring it all and letting it simmer over my lack of sleep, and seasoning (literally) with the eagerness to plot out planetary orbits Saundra woke in me. Actually, it's only because most star systems are binary star systems. And I think it'd be REALLY cool if this was, only the second was so small they thought was something else.

...Or maybe that's poc!verse. Hmm. No, no, Angel!Verse needs a single star. But... if that object they think isn't connected to their sun is actually a second star...

...Title. Got it. Right.

Thank you, brilliance. I did something PRODUCTIVE today. BWAH.

I hate myself. Ten fucking pages of back story, thousands of words that I SHOULD HAVE DEVOTED TO POCVERSE FUCK IT. Argh.

Anyway. Done now. Sorry. 

My head's woozy.

And I feel vaguely nauseous.

And my father's in my bedroom building his damn computer. I'm kicking him out soon, I think. So I can sleep and get up early to do physics. Ugh.

I wish I'd been more awake this evening, but... I really wasn't. At all. I'd've liked to keep writing. I have inspiration again.  And Shattered!verse FINALLY clicked more into place than before. *Sigh of relief* And I get to have magical critters there, too.  ...And Elemental!verse has minor magical!critters. Not nearly as exaggerated as Shattered!verse, which is also the ritual-type magic place. Which is odd in and of itself, for me. I'm so elementally oriented it's sad.

But... yeah. Good day writing wise. LG, you save my ass. Really. Sorry I didn't do Denerais, unless I did by the time I went to sleep.  Just... I more or less keeled over and died.

I'm... in a bad mood. I hate having things hanging over me. But I feel so much better in many ways than I did yesterday.  Christina... and LG especially. Worldbuilding soothes me, apparently. As does writing about death and realizing what I'm trying to say about it in this one piece.

On which note, Tyroshaun finally started speaking to me again. I mean, he was talking to me. He's nice that way. Big brotherish.  But... damn.  He apparently is mad at me, actually, but he's capable of talking to me other than either mocking bad singers or idiots or making me laugh.  And Cinaed's back. He'd been gone for a little while. And apparently has a stronger tendency than before to speaking in high brow polite tones. *eyeroll* He's as bad or WORSE than Giles.  But amusing. (The guy on TDS last night apparently tried to say "You're fucked" in a Scottish accent. Cinaed mocked his failage at that. And earned a thwap from his wife. It amused me greatly.)

I want a Regency dress. Badly. Or Buffy's dress.

Also, I'm looking longingly at spaceships right now. Spaceships and alien races and... gah. My head is bad today. *Sigh* Physics now.

(...Why do I want to say I miss Jon?)

Okay. So I was going to post my exuberance on Friday. I'll go back and edit that post and do the update on those coupla days in a little while. I haven't had the energy. It was a strange high. I promise I'll go back and write it up, though, because OH MY GOD MY CHOIR DIRECTOR IS FUCKING INSANE I LOVE HIM. *Giggles* Just... oh Scotty B.

But... uhm. Yesterday I had piano lesson--I LOVE Mozart, really I do. And love sightreading him, playing him, analyzing every chord as I go along that I can while still playing... aaaaah, music.  Anyway, then my Tessa came over and we watched Fruits Basket. It was lots of fun.  I love my Tessa. And I gave her the Audrey Hepburn book that I got that I didn't care for one way or another, but she LOVES Hepburn, so... she's happy. And that makes me happy. Even if we didn't get to see Golden Compass. Bah humbug.  Today, had rehearsal, forgot, was late, etc, bad day. Ugh.

Tyroshaun is incredibly good at the guilt complex thing. Lord, he'll find a way to blame himself for anything and everything.

... WARNING. This is a writing-filled post and there are five hundred tags because... well, yes. It's everything that's in here. And a summary of my mind at the moment, so it is necessary. For my record keeping. Skip ahead if you'd like.

Anyway. The other thing about yesterday... I rambled at/with LG, and WHOOT FOR WORLDBUILDING. Ohmigod, LG, you save my life.   Just... lord oh lord, you save my life. And I get to keep my other 'verse too now, despite Apocalypse!verse... which is what I'm calling that one, for the simple fact that... okay, I'll put that in below with my list of my private playground 'verses. So I've essentially got four 'verses right now, one on the front burner, one sort of... in the tea-kettle for sipping at, and two on the back burner.  One... based off an interesting fanfic idea I had that I may change so that I just have the epic sort of thing in that time period, so I'm not sure if I ought to count it as a verse or just a story. That's in the incubator.  And sort of in the pantry--not hot or cold and for snacking on, are my JA fanfic ideas.  Mostly P&P.  My Jeeves-JA mix, and my new theater!P&P fic.  (Come on, you all saw that coming--did you think I could resist the idea?)  I'm REALLY going to make Darcy blond in one of them. Just to break the paradigm. Not light blond, but... not blond. You can be broody without being dark-haired, dammit! I also do have a shortfic idea, for Sandman. *Grins* A Sweeney-Sandman story, actually. I mean... if Sweeney isn't a nightmare, than what is? Or it'll be a Corinthian-influencing-Benjamin-Barker/Sweeney-Todd.  But mainly I'd like to see Dream and Sweeney talking. *Grins*

...I love my head sometimes. *Grins* Now, the summary of the 'verses and the fics (and if you'd like any further information, please feel free to give me a nudge or ask for an email. ...why I'm offering, I don't know, as this is mostly for my own reference and mostly the five people who read this either A) already know, or B) will be told anyway by my rambling (sorry, LG-san), or C) won't be interested. I mean... the reason I keep this is mostly for my own memory, y'know? It's not like I have hordes of friends to keep up with... I never have. The ones I keep up with, I keep up with. I just need to write things out sometimes... anyway, still. If you'd like more info/the long and detailed plot explanation, let me know and I'll give it to you! Just be warned about the hours it'll need):

(...I don't know why I find the real world so damn boring. It's all about the high fantasy and the magic and occasionally the spaceships for me. It's odd. ...SPACESHIPS AHOY!)

So those are my seven (or nine... whoa, hey, my two favorite Significant Numbers!) ideas for writing lately. Sorry for the time I'm taking up, but I really, really needed to get that out. And it brought a smile to my face, which... I also desperately needed.  When I start singing from Assassins? Help is needed.

(With this analogy, you could say ideas seven and eight, the musicals, are the liquor cabinet: oh so enticing, out of bounds, and... ah, inducing giggles and insanity.)

...It occurs to me, now, that I HATE cooking and so maybe all those cooking analogies were singularly... bad.  Uhm. Usually I think of my head as a library, or a common room.  Or maybe a house.  A theater'd be a good analogy.  I'll... think of a better way of putting it.

Uhm. #1 is the big money high-class show (...Dunno, maybe a highly acclaimed Shakespeare or... dunno, Sweeney?), #2 the avant garde side gig (Mirrormask), #s 3 and 4 are scripts stuffed in a file drawer 'cause no one's bought 'em yet or in pre-production (Feeling Electric/whatever it's called now stupidheads), #s 5 and 6 are community theatre (my school's Crazy for You), #s 7 and 8 are The A Daily Show and The Colbert Report (bert/port, not bear/pore...), and #9 is that great idea about spaceships you had and haven't gotten around to dealing with.  To put it all in show-biz terms.

All I need to add to that is to have a #10 that was a long-running show that got cancelled. ...I wonder what some of those people who stuck around so long'll do... 

...My first smile in a while. That felt good.

EDIT: ... Aaand "I Know The Truth" is on. And it's making me, like, want to go curl up and die.  Partly for me, partly because I've got a hysterically sobbing character on my hands and it's painful. ...No. that's not right. Not sobbing. Not hysterical. Just...... this spot where everything sort of... curls up on itself, into a singularity. It's like a... grey hole? Not as extreme as a black hole, but... lord. It's hard.

So... lots of stuff, I guess. First, apologies for constant posting. Just... no one here, y'know? No one to talk to. So... I ramble.  Despite nothing happening today. I'm a fantastic sightreader--could only be better if I were actually going to be a professional musician. Odd, that my greatest talent seems to lie with the one thing that's a game and a passtime for me. Perhaps it's more that it's my greatest talent, but not really enough to justify pursuit. Otherwise...

God only knows what my life would have been like if it had been enough, or if my parents had encouraged me towards it instead of pushing me into science because music's something of a dead end 99.99% of the time.

I talked to Tess for a while today. And I'm calling Sarah, too. I miss them. And thank god you're back, Jen... lord, I miss my friends. I miss my life. Mom and Dad suggested asking Betsy over to watch physics with me. I dunno if I should.  I'm a little shy about the idea. But I'd really like to.  Betsy's been such a saving grace in my life lately--SHE IS AN ANGEL OF MERCY OH MY GOD PAINKILLERS ARE TEH LOVE.  And of course Elizabeth... I love that girl.  More and more.  (Mental note: add my Elizabeth tag to previous posts.) I really want to get to know Ren, too. She's so kickass-ly awesome I want to like worship her.  (Wren? Rin? Rine? Catherine Fondren... I don't know.)  If I don't see her on AIM much, I really need to call Christina too. ...I miss Sta. Randomly. Nostalgically.

I hate melodrama. I hate it when I get like this, all self-pitying.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.  It's sick. It's stupid. ...The fact that I'm calm and not curled up in my bed sobbing is a definite sign that my meds are working for me, after all.

I really need to finish my college applications. I need to get out of here.  It's a cliff, and my wings are spread and ready, but I keep running and running and the edge never gets any closer so I can never take the leap... Nevermind that I'm frightened to death of open edges or of falling.  "Sometimes you wake up, and sometimes, yes, you die... but sometimes when you fall, you fly."

...*Sighs* I think I'll write and then go curl up with Morpheus for a while.

I don't know if I'll work any harder in second semester. I want to, in an academic way--by academic I mean in a perfect hypothetical situation.  But... it's probably not going to happen.  I'm too tired, too unhealthy, too sick at heart from the world and my life to really care about it all anymore. I really just... don't care. It's why I've avoided the college stuff. I can't bring myself to care.

It's funny how easy it is to waste energy, all or lots of it, in uselessness or crying. And how hard it is to try to make yourself happy.

EDIT: ...I LOVE CARBON LEAF SO EFFING MUCH. *Dies* I'm listening to One Prairie Outpost... and I just found my theme song for this novel. Just... gack. So perfect. *Dead* ...I love them.... and such nice music, too.

Very much with the WTF thing.  I'm exhausted and yet I mostly can't sleep. Even sleeping pills don't knock me out for more than an hour.  But mainly... due to a dream which actually starred the usual suspects, I've managed to come up with a completely crackified story. And, honestly, I don't know that it'll work, and I'll probably have to change the rules about colours...

I think Good Omens may be slightly to blame for this, too.  Anyone who writes and reads this? Please give me feedback. Even just a "You're insane, shut up." Or "O.o..." or "Yes!" or "No!" is enough.

Okay.  So.  The idea is this: There is a heaven and hell, but it's not entirely Judgement of The Righteous or some such.  I don't know if there's an in-between.  Anyway, so... I haven't explored hell yet, but it'll be fun, especially since I think I'll need to have a couple romances and cross-world issues.  Anyway, I think that there's mostly an in-between-place, because let's face it, most people aren't exactly good or evil. And it's very nice, pleasant, relaxing--a break from life.  And then basically... you stay there for a while, fade out, and get basically... rearranged a little--all memories wiped, body changed, and possibly minor (or major) personality changes, so there's a lot of recycling of life energy.  Some of the people are generally better than most, though.  Some of 'em get offered a chance to join the forces of Order--not quite... good, but sort of good neighborhood upkeep? *Shrug* Anyway, those that don't take it get a chance to walk around the part of the post-life, which is much more traditionally Heaven (y'know, angels, singing and laughing and bounce and probably fluffy clouds, and also some war councils in the middle of all that).  And if they change their minds, then welcome to the force, if not, they get sent out to Break Time.  Same basically goes for the forces of Chaos or whatever.

Now then. I'll just call it the Force (Feel free to insert bad Star Wars jokes here) for lack of a better name. Call them... oh, supernatural secret agents? So basically originally there were a bunch just made, and they'd go do stints in the world. And there was... one who was basically a child, and who had never gone into the world 'cause everyone doted on him and wanted to protect his sweet, innocent head.  And one day he made the suggestion that instead of relying on these pre-created agents they start recruiting good-hearted humans when they died, seeing as there's a limit on available life-energy at any moment and it grows at a specific rate.  They all praised the boy no end for it, and he was happy. He was sort of the go-to-cheerer-upper. You know, would chat with people once they got back from a stressful job in the world. I think he had the traditional white wings.

Okay, break here to explain the wings. So there's two parts to the operation, right? The more active ones, ones planning tactics etc and doing missions, and the bureaucracy. The bureaucracy has, like... wings of actual bird species.  And the feathers aren't of the same quality as the others.  You can, in fact, get demoted or promoted, although people tend to be given jobs they enjoy (it IS heaven, after all) so they tend to be really attached to their wings. I mean, besides obviously being physically... shutting up. Anyway! There's a complicated hierarchy... I think the guy in charge may be a black eagle? I think partly 'cause people aren't sure if he's head of the bureaucracy or a member of the task force, 'cause they can't really tell what his feathers are like?  Anyway. The task force has better quality feathers, and they have an incredibly complicated heirarchy based on the colour and type of wing (falcon, dove, eagle, etc).  The regular types have solid colors, the... nobility, I guess, have two colors--which makes heirarchy even MORE complex--and basically the best of the best--generally promoted based on performance--have silver or gold as one of their colors. I'm not sure of the exact order of rankings, although I think eagle wings involve a certain prestige and I don't think white is necessarily the highest ranking.

Anyway. Back to the little angel-boy. So... he got really curious and after a while talked everyone into letting him take a stint down in life, and his poor innocence was shattered, and I think the silly boy fell in love and was rejected and he took it rather hard. And he grew up.  He's actually one of the best agents now. I think he may have black and gold wings. But that may be a carryover from those being the preferred colors of the usual suspects who were the basis of the original idea. And basically the story's about him. Or about a nice girl or something.

I have yet to explore the demons yet. What would be really hilarious would be if they had to form an alliance. ...Except Crowley and Aziraphale did that. Although I suppose making the heads of the two allies by force would be funny too.

Hmm.

I think I lost my mind.

The above quote is from The Crystal Cave by Mary Stewart, first in her Arthurian Saga.

It is also one of my last year's English teacher's (AKA my English teacher, the one I will honor with the title and whom I adore) favorite book, along with the second (and also amazing) one The Hollow Hills.

I have confirmation that they are glorious writing.

I read 1500 pages yesterday of these books.  I have another five hundred to go.

Also, I want to write fantasy now.  Either the Kearon-Vearin saga--which I have to find a way to work it so that I have awesome good-evil stuff, probably lots of court intrigues and unexpected alliances, and frankly Breniaren and Laurenon share so many qualities with Diarmuid and Aileron that I'll probably write Fionavar without the idiotic Arthur thing involved (frankly, he could have done without it and just used a made up mythical Warrior); the Tortureverse stuff, which starts out modern, goes High Fantasy, and may revert to modern at the last (I have a lovely scene which, frankly, I would love to write); or, quite naturally, Hero's Quest or Prejazdverse.

Although I now want to write an Arthurian story.

Really.

Not about Arthur himself, but an Arthur-like figure.  And no, I will not allow unnamed existing characters to steal that role.

However much they want to.

But daaamn, I'd love to do that.

I also wrote a teeny bit on my Valdemar fanfic.

My fantasy bug returned.  Full strength.  And with worlds and beauty for my mind to run in...

If only I weren't so damn depressed I can't actually write it.  But... just... wow.

(My lovely, socialist-minded Earl from Prejazdverse wants to lead a rebellion.  Even against the king who's okay, if it means social reforms.  He needs to stop liking rebellions.  Although I can see him doing it, or threatening it, and being kickass. )

I think, though, that since I have no solidified plan for Tortureverse, I will start out with the Kearon-Vearin saga.  Even started working on a mythical history, and an explanation of why the two are similar but different, and the splits that occurred, and why, and... yes.

God, I love writing.

On a totally unrelated note, the impending Factor/Report showdown/crossover thing frankly frightens me. I don't know why.  But I fear for Stephen.

OMIGODPIRATES

PIRATESPIRATESPIRATES

JACK! LOVE!

Okay. Done, really. But seeing PotC2 is not condusive to acting normal.

BUT! I was reading this amazing book borrowed from Cameron, The Court of the Midnight King, in which Richard III isn't the bad guy and stuff, and there's a girl from the future, and now...

FINALLY.

FINALLY, I have it.

FINALLY, I have my new world, new cast, and the explanation for how it is that green-eyed prince died and stuff. So!

And yes. He's... six feet even, maybe a little shorter, with light brown hair and green eyes, and tanned. Lanky, I suppose. And... *BLINKS* OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD! THAT's who the lowly guard guy is!

It's Dennis!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

I'm done now. Okay. Wow. Now I just have to make the clerical girl not-me. Hehe. Fun stuff. (Also? There's a hugely important guy who's a history professor who verges on a socialist. Um. Only thing keeping him from being a version of Chris is the non-temper. Which he does, in fact, lack. Otherwise he'd be much like Chris. But without the red hair.)

Anyway.

Oh worldbuilding, how I love you...

EDIT: Okay. So Aubreys, as soon as we get on at the same time, we will ramble at each other about the loveness that is our characters. And I'll see about phone rates for recieving calls from overseas, and get a phone card and give you a ring if you don't get charged, 'kay?