Thing happened in my life. Slash things didn't, and I thought I'd be able to piece my life back together after the fucking paper was in. Hah.

To do May 1, necessary before sleeping:
- Astronomy homework, all fourthreetwo parts of it. Fuck it.
- Finish Imag Word layout with files from Meems.
- Study math.

To do May 1 if possible:
- Start/write English paper on PMS (Post-Modernist Shit).
- Start/write reflection for physics.
- Write a page, two if possible.

To do May 2 before school, necessary:
- Study math
- Go in early, finalize Imag.

To do May 2 before school if possible:
- Start/write paper on PMS.
- Start/write for physics.
- Write a page or two.

To do May 2 by 8th period:
- Write paper on PMS.
- Write for physics.

To do May 2nd by the time I sleep:
- have written at least two pages from what I have so far.
- Not die.

After that, I may breathe. And deal with life, social life, psychological health, and writing.  Lots of writing, worldbuilding, etc. LOTS of worldbuilding. I need to figure out the years on this planet of mine, so that I can figure out A) how "old" the characters are and B) ...uh... what the seasons are. 'Cause... binary star system.  I REALLY want there to be a winter, though.

I'd prefer more winter to more summer. But.

In good news, the ROCKERFELLER GRANDCHILDREN are fighting Exxon to move to renewable resources. HAH! ONE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!

EDIT: And while I have not actually managed to get anything done on astronomy since getting home, I am ALMOST done with Imag--but have made more work, idiot that I am--and have started the powerpoint for my ISP. Which... almost counts as writing. Depending on how far I get, I may count it.

See Lee.

See Lee die.

Die, Lee, die!

Okay, so I'm not sure if the minute or so late I was will count. Hopefully "in transit of email" will count as, y'know, being that minute or two late. -_-. DAMN WELL BETTER, RAULSTON. THAT IS THREE FUCKING THOUSAND WORDS OF QUALITY BULLSHITTING YOU HAVE THERE! *BEAMS* AND SINCE ABOUT THREE O CLOCK THIS MORNING, TOO.

...When I let my final grade rest on four hours of work, after no sleep and WAY too much scifi and anime? You know I have problems. But I basically analyzed modernism and existentialism and proceeded to deconstruct postmodernism, which is REALLY what my paper was about (and NOT actually form enhancing content, please GOD let him not notice that... -_-) but HEY, the first sentence of my paper was "As any debater, lawyer, senator, or overstressed English student will attest to, sometimes how an argument is presented is more important than the argument itself."  Voila my paper. Wondefully evil and self-referential, ja?

Also. This is the announcement of my living. I have not lived since about Friday afternoon, as I was in a state of perpetual limbo over this paper. But I live now.

And will now go die and try to get some sleep. I'm skipping school today. It can fuck itself.

...Also, I TOTALLY worked in The Name of the Rose as my final deconstruction of postmodernism AND MANAGED TO END MY PAPER WITH A SPEECH FROM DEATH. *CACKLES MADLY* The one about an atom of justice, a molecule of mercy. From Hogfather? *Snickers* I have a HUGEASS works cited list. Name of the Rose, Borges, Camus, Kafka, Sartre, Ives, Beckett, Nietzsche, a quote from Wittgenstein, and Pratchett. HAH.

I, my friends, conquer. Even if I fail this paper.

...I will deal with my life, that fucking magazine, that fucking novel I promised I'd do for a grade (I just need to pass, I can half-ass the fucking thing although I LOVE YOU TROJIE FOR HELPING ME WITH THE WHOLE MAGICAL APOCALYPSE WITH THE WHITE DWARFkthnxdone), and... uh...

I might start drawing. Just maybe.

-_-. If I do? Blame Adrian. The bastard's psychopathic enough.

...I am corrected. Sociopathic.

...No, sorry, you DO get labeled insane, hon.

EEEEEEELLLLGEEEEEEE. You need to let me know when you'll be online so I can raaaaaaaamble at you! *Beams* Especially as I've actually solidified all my social workings now, and just need to clear up minor plot points, sequences of scenes, etc.! You'll get fun scenes!

Also, WELCOME HOME JENN! I know you're upset to be back. But I'm happy to have you, and... I WILL BE IN BOSTON THIS FALL! (Assuming I don't fail first.) *SQUEE* That'll be fun, yes?

...Dear, dear readers, whosoever and howsofew you may be, I have lost my mind. Also, I quoted "Form of Things Unknown" for my title. Yeeeaaah, basically a Sandman AND a Pratchett moment in a paper.  I win.  Or lose. Or something.

Either way? My life is starting to return in snatches and glimmers of hope.  I'm so clooooooose... (Also? *HEADDESK* It's a bloody wonder I'm not in a straightjacket right now. I just want this clear.)

AAAHIWANNADRAW.

The day I use THAT as my subject line?  You know I lost my mind. Seriously. Me. Avril. My cognitive abilities have vanished.

A) Postmodernism? Is SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT I HATE THEM.

B) ......

Uhm.

I need to learn to... not look at my profile to check to see if the couple people I friended lately friended back. Not 'cause of them (Trojie, you rock my socks, really).  Just... things change. And I don't know when, but I realize later that I missed something really major and I'm still stumbling along behind in stupid, hopeful, naive innocence, and... yeah.  Anyway. ...I don't really have to be tactful anymore. No one to be tactful to. *Melancholy sigh*

Gods, I shouldn't ever look at it.  Just... glad to know I'm not that... whatever. I don't feel like using the first word that occurs to me, because I want to avoid thinking about screaming arguments.  I'm too tired for them.  I think I've still lost faith in human loyalty.  ...Except not really, 'cause... I have Heather, and Tessa, and LG and Jenn, and Katie and all my wonderful Cambridge buddies, and Betsy and my school friends and they DO EXIST it's amazing, and...

It's so strange, isn't it, how one person can affect your whole world outlook?  I suppose that, as I have no reason to be tactful, I'll add that the word I was looking for is juvenile.  But... I don't fully have the energy to care anymore.

It's almost over. It has to be.

...I'm very tired. *Pause* Except that, when I say that, and my first thought is to just... sleep, to let it all go away...

And then I stop. Because I don't want it to let it all go. Not ever.  It's all I have, you know? Let it hurt, let me scream and cry... it's life. And one's a bloody idiot if one doesn't see that.  Or let it go...

And therein lies the dividing line.  Sorry, July. You're wrong about me and Tyroshaun. Because I'm not willing to give up. Ever. ...Closer to Adrian that way, ass though he can be--but he chose to live. There's a difference--and one which I need to make clear--between not wanting to die and wanting to live. He gave up. See... he and Adrian have... similarities. Except that Adrian was ALWAYS the sweet, gentle guy, very self-effacing, and he became rather bitter and dangerous and, well, psychotic; a young Tyroshaun was much more dynamic (closer to a mix of Celtan and Adrian), more charismatic, less self-effacing--and then he discovered that he was not, in fact, a god on earth, that he was incredibly fallible and couldn't do everything, and discovered it traumatically enough that he... gave up on ever actually living at about the age of eighteen. ...Which, strangely enough, is a completely consistent character trait and has been for years now. I think I pretty well straddle the two boys in character--but you're wrong about me and Tyroshaun in particular. We share things, 'cause I love him and made him a lot of what I wanted to be and what I am still afraid of being... but there are fundamental differences in outlook. I partially blame his testosterone poisoning. 

...anyway.  Uhm.  i'm gonna... go do that thing where ya reject colleges. And, y'know... try not to cry and stuff.

I want to go home.

...I don't know where that is anymore.

(I'm Shia now? ...I wonder how Nate's doing.)

If you do happen to read this, Aubrey... I've said before that talking would be nice.  That the lack-of-talking has been rather... detrimental to my mental state. And it would be nice.  Really.  It gets damn quiet around here sometimes.

Adrian is fucking scary.

Really, he is. And mildly psychotic. I don't want to know what he did to the people who--not being from the angel-demon-human star system and not knowing about angels--actually cut a couple angels' wings.  Or rather, the people who ordered it, as the people who DID it were probably already dead. Seriously, Adrian? Ack. Scary.  Hopefully Robin (who STILL needs a better name...) will restrain him. 

Also, his dagger is like Jack's gun with one bullet. Only, uh.  Sharp and pointy and intended for several people.

Anyway, though... I'm running into a problem with Angel!verse, one that isn't a problem per se and possibly only indicatory of a brief flirtation with possibility as I'm IN LOVE WITH PHOENIX REQUIEM AND MY GOD GO READ IT JONAS IS SO FUCKING SEXY (and so is Robyn, but EEEEHJONAS; Jonas/Anya and Robyn/Petria are my 'ships--not that there are anything but permutations of that REALLY available at this point, BUT).  Anyway, though...

See, thing is, most of my writing I definitely see as images in my head.  But most of it I also see as... writing.  Like poc!verse, which is very solidly a written thing, because I couldn't do the internal/external duality or convey the regression into simplicity internally coupled with the complexity of the outside at the end in any format BUT written. (Plus... uh, the thing crystallized as a specific sequence of sentences, and as SENTENCES, so it's written.) Admittedly, pocverse is my experimental ground, in that I'm playing with storytelling techniques mostly and I think the only story in it I'd tell in a traditional, linear, ordered, third-person sort of way is the love story that pretty much changes everything.  That's been part of the plan for ages. Different formats, different styles, different lengths... pocverse is largely ABOUT storytelling, and that's part of the structure.

Elemental!verse would, again, be far more traditionally written, as would Shattered!verse.  Bard!verse, due to the nature of its origin, I CAN hypothetically see as an actual movie. Mostly 'cause, y'know, that's what it WAS. Except it was created to be a movie to be described, and what with my interest in its mythology it is ALSO a very solidly written world.

Angel!verse, however... is getting out of hand.  A) The complexities of the story. B) The fact that while I really only have seven characters at the moment, there needs to be a BUNCH of humans, and a lot more demons, so there's a HUGE cast list. (Admittedly, Elverse will be similarly insane, and pocverse ought to be if I could get off my ass about it... but that's another story.)

But... Again, I don't know if this is due to my love of Sandman and my secret desire to do comic books, or the fact that I am SO IN LOVE WITH PHOENIX REQUIEM and there was a fantasmatic update today, but... I really, really want to do Angel!verse as a comic series.  I can see it, and there's so much in it that's just visual. When Adrian's roots show, when Shia finds Meradan's body, the knife itself, the traces they find of Celadan, the scarring on Adrian's back, the wing shapes and colors and the various feline house markings, even Merineth's dreaming of her father (which isn't really a dream)... it's a very visual world.  And I'm very close to wanting to draw it all instead of writing it. Because... it's feeling like a visual world.

Except, uhm, me? Drawing? And on a regularly updating basis? HAH. HAH. HAH.

But DAMN, I want to.

So... uh. STILL haven't written a paper (a week plus now...) and a quiz for tomorrow and review sheet for today (but the last is really easy, because I can just copy off a bunch of not-exactly-book-problems, and the second is just a selection of those changed a little more, so an hour and a half SHOULD suffice).

I have, however, happily planned out Angel!verse, when I should be working on pocverse if I'm writing at all. *Facepalm*

The angel family needs a family name, but.

- Meradan - the king. Also, very gay. Not... effeminate in ANY way, and not really a queen. Just... happens to lack even a single straight strand of DNA. Seriously. His poor brother (who is entirely straight, although Meradan would tease him CONSTANTLY about the likelihood of that) would get SO embarrassed during conversations. Especially as he was a prude, and he really just wanted to stop talking about who either of them were attracted to ANYWAY. He's a sweetie.
- Celadan - his illegitimate younger brother
- Konarashia - Celadan's wife, a demon (again, she's not REALLY one, I just have no name for the race yet)
- Merineth - Celadan's oldest child, a daughter, named for his brother, obviously. Celadan would do that.
- Koneneliar - Celadan's second child, a son. Named by his mother, obviously, who calls him Konen. ....Which kind of makes me laugh hysterically. Konen. Anyone else start thinking about O'Brien? Given that this is, oh, Jalen, there is something that A) doesn't quite compute and B) is ridiculously funny. I mean. Come on. Conan, Jon, and Stephen just had that battle.  ...Ignore my insanity.
- Jalen - Koneneliar's name given to him by his father when... uh, Celadan sorta kidnaps him, actually. Also the name used by everyone, and officially in the records after Celadan's made notes of the changes.
- Aitanna - one of the twins. Is, as ever, awesomekickass.
- Celtan - The younger twin, which Aitanna CONSTANTLY holds over his head. Named by Shia for Celadan, as she sort of thought he was dead. There's a distinct possibility his full name is some horror not unlike Koneneliar, but... even Shia never uses it, mostly to honor Celadan's memory (poor girl needed to be told he was alive and... uh, at least mostly in one piece...)
- Robin - until further notice, Shia's alias (shut up, I know, but I love her in OP, so the name is currently sticking)
- Adrian Celio - If you didn't notice, I'm disappointed in you. He's a very bad liar, apparently, even when he's a mostly unscrupulous murderer of sorts.

Aaaand I'm shutting up to go work now. I need to figure out the exact naming rules of the feliney people, though. And of the angels. But for now... Ta!

WHY is Luke such a failing, whiney brat? ARGH. Also, why is Han so pretty? I hadn't actually, uh, noticed this before. But he IS.  ...Sad thing is, I'm looking at him, and...

Uh. I keep wanting to see Celadan. *Flailhide* A young Celadan, obviously, as older!Celadan is scarred and broken and bears very little resemblance to his younger self (which is, y'know... good, for many reasons).

If he weren't so manly, I'd make him the younger boy, and have older-boy=Luke, younger-boy=Han, and a really weird twisted sort of grandda=Palpatine and Cel is the embittered but not actually EVIL version of Anakin, except he's really more like Corwin than Anakin because Anakin's a PSYCHOPATH which I have to admit even clip-winged Cel is not.  Mildly sociopathic or obsessive, yes, but not psychopathic. He'd never countenance murdering hundreds of innocent people. Actually, come to think of it, younger boy=Luke, older boy=Leia plotwise. ...WHICH IS HILARIOUS, and I am now trying not to DIE at the thought of... oh my GOD, that is so not a thought my mind needed to have.

Excuse me while I am murdered by a young angel king. *Cackles*

Basically, though? Take the best of Star Wars and Firefly, mix it with Amber, throw in a dash of Tolkien and Lewis for good measure, and maybe a touch of Good Omens in the sheer insanity, and you get an idea of what my Angelverse is starting to look like.

Star Wars is like religion: it is a piece of shit.  A time-honored, lovable, venerable, enjoyable, and occasionally philosophical piece of shit, but shit nonetheless.

...DAMN, YOUNG HARRISON FORD IS FREAKIN' HOT. How did I not notice this before? *Oogles him* I neeeeeds him as a PB. Dear self: No, no, Cel is bad for this, Cel is bad, Cel has bright red hair like two of his kiddies and a third is strawberry blond (daaaaaamn, maybe I ought to take away Cinaed's sibs before my 'verses get top-heavy in the red-heads, except I LURVES THEM, and...)

Okay, clearly I need a red-headed boyfriend. ...Or a blond one.  ...tall and blond would not go amiss... uhm... *shifty eyes...*

Okay, my hormones need calming down now.  I'm going to hide.

Also, I can has pretty dresses, I can has knife, I can has awesomeness, I can has total failage, and I can has Star Wars. Bye now.

...I totally need a scene with younger!boy--who fucking needs a name, gods dammit all to hell!--saying "I have a bad feeling about this..."

Or possibly 'tanna. Or Jalen? No, that's not so much his line.  One of the red-headed twins. *Snickers* Also 'cause... they're far more like Mal, and Mal(/Han) would say that.

...Mal/Han. Oh shit. I read one too many Bad Slash PPCs, or too many sporks... *Brain: fizzles and dies*

We are interrupting this transmission. It has degenerated into insanity and fangirlism. We hope to return to your regularly scheduled programming...

...Sometime in the future. We don't know when.  Thank you.  Oh, and, uh, have a nice day.

That was a fucking Buffy rip-off! A CREEPY Buffy rip-off! Now even snarky mental commentary on MYSELF is going insane...

...I did say to move along, didn't I? Do so.

...that I would be able to manage PayPal.

If anyone knows how to pay for this using it, please tell me, 'cause I don't know how to do it. Or how to do money orders, so that's out too.

Yeah, I fail. But dammit, I'm gonna get my lilacs.

...I have a headache.

And a bad day, despite many good things happening.  I'm a born teacher, apparently.

But... just...

I'm too fucking tired for life right now.  Way too fucking tired.  And... just...

I had my escape methods, ya know? And those are currently mostly gone.  Except for about one, and I'm... I dunno. I may be able to scrape up a post or two tonight for Sonora.  But...

But.  I can't.  Maybe I'll work on Shia and Cel tonight. Even though I should be writing fucking pocverse. I can't handle it tonight, though. Because I'll write that patrol, and I can't deal with the nervous breakdown it would entail.

Why do things end?  Why do people die?

Is it just to balance an equation?

EDIT: IF YOU READ THIS, PLEASE TELL ME IF I REALLY LOST MY ROCKER, OR IF YOU WANT TO ACTUALLY HEAR ABOUT THE INSANITY I AM CONSTRUCTING. Thank you.

Also, it's TOTALLY all of that, plus? SPACESHIPS. LASERS. GUNS. TECH. SUPERNATURAL RACES. MAGIC. So I'm basically taking the idea of Kinslaying for a throne from Amber; of... well, Kinslaying and some of the reproductive/life-span/health/physiological patterns and tendencies towards history and language from Tolkien; the intrigue type stuff from Julio-Claudian Rome and I, Claudius; the joint rulers of Narnia; the not!angels of that idiot woman, hints of feline-anthros from... wherever you like (just markings on skin or eye shape or coloring of hair, no fur, I'm not weirdish); the spaceships and the mixed high and low tech of Firefly; a dash of magic, a pinch of sarcasm, a bucket of grief, a generous dollop of romance, a lot of insanity, huge amounts of time out of the work I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, stirring it all and letting it simmer over my lack of sleep, and seasoning (literally) with the eagerness to plot out planetary orbits Saundra woke in me. Actually, it's only because most star systems are binary star systems. And I think it'd be REALLY cool if this was, only the second was so small they thought was something else.

...Or maybe that's poc!verse. Hmm. No, no, Angel!Verse needs a single star. But... if that object they think isn't connected to their sun is actually a second star...

...Title. Got it. Right.

Thank you, brilliance. I did something PRODUCTIVE today. BWAH.

I hate myself. Ten fucking pages of back story, thousands of words that I SHOULD HAVE DEVOTED TO POCVERSE FUCK IT. Argh.

Anyway. Done now. Sorry. 

The above is copyright to yours truly, April 5, 2008.

lotsa stuff to say, but it can wait until I'm not, as previously stated, mostly bloodless.

I gots my LG-chan back. *Cuddles*

And Saundra? I worship you. And officially claim presidency of the Nine Houses fanclub. *Squees at it!*

And... it's so MUCH, there's too much information and I need to add more, add the colour of magic and the world, and it's all happening so fast when the glass shatters, and the sun is so bright, and then...

And then.

Good night for now.

...

I want to go die. I'm tired, I'm stressing, I'm incapable of working, I'm a horrible person, I won't get to go to the school I want to go to most, I hate my school I'm at, I'm going to hugely disappoint my parents, and everything's my fault, and I'm alone, and I want to cry hysterically, and I can't.

At least I finally named Celadan and Shia. Well, Shia's only half-named, but still.  something-rashia.  I like them.  Celadan's older brother needs a name. Not that he's in much but that one history arc thing, but...

I can't even bloody focus on writing the thing I'm SUPPOSED to be writing and just sit here playing with a hugely melodramatic love story. And I hate melodrama.  But I want to play with court intrigue, and... yargh.

Bren and Rania: arranged marriage, start to like each other, get screwed over by his brother,
Celadan and Shia: He courts her and actually loves her, she rather likes him (quite a bit) but doesn't really love him and marries him for political reasons. Get screwed over by her family.
Elemental!verse: there's a love match with political ramifications, but it's mainly two mages who just understand each other better than anyone else could.
Shattered!verse: arranged match, friendly enough, they're never in love per se.
Apocalypse!verse: ...Tifami marries... whatshisname, I forget who, eventually. For love (which rather startles her).  Neran marries a nice girl who grew up around the school and who's got a kid. (Neran's the CUTEST surrogate dad. And the cutest nonsexual soulmate EVER.)  Other notes... uhm... geezes. There are some arranged and/or political marriages that don't turn out so well running around, but I have a lower incidence of nobility in 'poc!verse than the others. Possibly because in the others the main characters are, respectively: second son and later crown prince, bastard son of the king who's actually good friends with his legitimate older brother, people from all different social classes, and a crown prince. ...Okay, well, really Glen's the focus of Shattered, but the prince (who nees to be renamed... I hate his name at the moment) is the one with the marriage involved. But 'poc!verse? Mostly lower class people involved. Literally, the merchant-scholar class is about the very highest it gets.

And that pointless ramble was mainly to keep from having a nervous breakdown.  Because right now I honestly want to go cry.

...Summer. Come summer, a new beginning.  Rebirth.

...I wonder if I'll be in the Orkneys on the solstice. Maybe I can find the Standing Stones mentioned in that Loreena McKennitt song that morning, though due to the time I won't be able to be there when I'd like to be, but at least I can stay in my room and watch the dawn...