Adrian is fucking scary.

Really, he is. And mildly psychotic. I don't want to know what he did to the people who--not being from the angel-demon-human star system and not knowing about angels--actually cut a couple angels' wings.  Or rather, the people who ordered it, as the people who DID it were probably already dead. Seriously, Adrian? Ack. Scary.  Hopefully Robin (who STILL needs a better name...) will restrain him. 

Also, his dagger is like Jack's gun with one bullet. Only, uh.  Sharp and pointy and intended for several people.

Anyway, though... I'm running into a problem with Angel!verse, one that isn't a problem per se and possibly only indicatory of a brief flirtation with possibility as I'm IN LOVE WITH PHOENIX REQUIEM AND MY GOD GO READ IT JONAS IS SO FUCKING SEXY (and so is Robyn, but EEEEHJONAS; Jonas/Anya and Robyn/Petria are my 'ships--not that there are anything but permutations of that REALLY available at this point, BUT).  Anyway, though...

See, thing is, most of my writing I definitely see as images in my head.  But most of it I also see as... writing.  Like poc!verse, which is very solidly a written thing, because I couldn't do the internal/external duality or convey the regression into simplicity internally coupled with the complexity of the outside at the end in any format BUT written. (Plus... uh, the thing crystallized as a specific sequence of sentences, and as SENTENCES, so it's written.) Admittedly, pocverse is my experimental ground, in that I'm playing with storytelling techniques mostly and I think the only story in it I'd tell in a traditional, linear, ordered, third-person sort of way is the love story that pretty much changes everything.  That's been part of the plan for ages. Different formats, different styles, different lengths... pocverse is largely ABOUT storytelling, and that's part of the structure.

Elemental!verse would, again, be far more traditionally written, as would Shattered!verse.  Bard!verse, due to the nature of its origin, I CAN hypothetically see as an actual movie. Mostly 'cause, y'know, that's what it WAS. Except it was created to be a movie to be described, and what with my interest in its mythology it is ALSO a very solidly written world.

Angel!verse, however... is getting out of hand.  A) The complexities of the story. B) The fact that while I really only have seven characters at the moment, there needs to be a BUNCH of humans, and a lot more demons, so there's a HUGE cast list. (Admittedly, Elverse will be similarly insane, and pocverse ought to be if I could get off my ass about it... but that's another story.)

But... Again, I don't know if this is due to my love of Sandman and my secret desire to do comic books, or the fact that I am SO IN LOVE WITH PHOENIX REQUIEM and there was a fantasmatic update today, but... I really, really want to do Angel!verse as a comic series.  I can see it, and there's so much in it that's just visual. When Adrian's roots show, when Shia finds Meradan's body, the knife itself, the traces they find of Celadan, the scarring on Adrian's back, the wing shapes and colors and the various feline house markings, even Merineth's dreaming of her father (which isn't really a dream)... it's a very visual world.  And I'm very close to wanting to draw it all instead of writing it. Because... it's feeling like a visual world.

Except, uhm, me? Drawing? And on a regularly updating basis? HAH. HAH. HAH.

But DAMN, I want to.

EDIT: IF YOU READ THIS, PLEASE TELL ME IF I REALLY LOST MY ROCKER, OR IF YOU WANT TO ACTUALLY HEAR ABOUT THE INSANITY I AM CONSTRUCTING. Thank you.

Also, it's TOTALLY all of that, plus? SPACESHIPS. LASERS. GUNS. TECH. SUPERNATURAL RACES. MAGIC. So I'm basically taking the idea of Kinslaying for a throne from Amber; of... well, Kinslaying and some of the reproductive/life-span/health/physiological patterns and tendencies towards history and language from Tolkien; the intrigue type stuff from Julio-Claudian Rome and I, Claudius; the joint rulers of Narnia; the not!angels of that idiot woman, hints of feline-anthros from... wherever you like (just markings on skin or eye shape or coloring of hair, no fur, I'm not weirdish); the spaceships and the mixed high and low tech of Firefly; a dash of magic, a pinch of sarcasm, a bucket of grief, a generous dollop of romance, a lot of insanity, huge amounts of time out of the work I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, stirring it all and letting it simmer over my lack of sleep, and seasoning (literally) with the eagerness to plot out planetary orbits Saundra woke in me. Actually, it's only because most star systems are binary star systems. And I think it'd be REALLY cool if this was, only the second was so small they thought was something else.

...Or maybe that's poc!verse. Hmm. No, no, Angel!Verse needs a single star. But... if that object they think isn't connected to their sun is actually a second star...

...Title. Got it. Right.

Thank you, brilliance. I did something PRODUCTIVE today. BWAH.

I hate myself. Ten fucking pages of back story, thousands of words that I SHOULD HAVE DEVOTED TO POCVERSE FUCK IT. Argh.

Anyway. Done now. Sorry. 

Don't even ask about the subject. It sounded like a song to me. (I'm hearing it. It's not even an extant song. ...Let's not go there. I'm hearing music that doesn't exist now.)

But I do want to apologize, in advance, for the sheer, unadulterated Friendslist Spamming I'll be doing today.

While I'm here, I want to say I'm sorry for forgetting Destroying The Ring and Confrontation At The Black Gate Day. I apparently, however, honored it by not posting. Odd, that.

Next on teh list, then, is the Glorious Twentyfifth of Towelday. Hah.

Reminds me: must buy silk lilacs...

I started writing something. 'poc!verse, but not the book. Prequel to it. Oddly, I think it would be the last thing I'd actually write in that 'verse.  'Cause there's the stupid, stupid hero who gets himself killed in a freak accident due to his own idiocy and wearing himself down, and then there're his parents, who are actually far more directly influencial than he is. And their romance leads to him, and to huge political changes. Normally the sort of climax would be the main character's romance. But... well. Tifami apparently has a few things to say about that. So.  Sadly, though, I apparently start everything by writing the end. The way I read.  And... it's so odd, because...

It ends almost exactly the way the book I'm actually writing ends.  "He closed his eyes, and slept." Seriously, there's this incredibly morbid overtone of inevitable death where he's concerned.

...Oh, right. That would be why. I kill him off.

...........................

Which is the reason for this post. Not killing him off.  But. I... sort of had another breakdown moment. Not... not... life-breakdown. The "I feel like shit and ought to say something but I can't because I know what's right and I can't just give in to my weepiness and I want to curl up and die and never come back again" kind of breakdown moment.

I'm honestly about to start crying. In the middle of physics.

Fuck.

Expect... two more posts today. My sputtering incoherency if needed, and it may not happen or be an edit to this post.  And the one tonight, after I...

Oh god. Oh my holy Morgoth-fucking Eru (please excuse my language... why do I have this horrible sensation of Galadriel telling me to wash my mouth out...) I have to sing tonight. In front of people. Family. People

Shoot me now.

 First, I love the song "September," by Earth, Wind, and Fire. Makes me happy.

Second: self defense class tonight at my LizGib's Tae Kwon Do place! Fun stuff!

Third... man, getting a hug from a man a foot and nine inches taller than you is really bloody awkward. *Grins* But all the important teachers know now. *Is content* And they're all so thrilled.

But... mainly...

*Breaks down quietly* I'm... writing a little. By which I mean, 2.6K today.  First time in months, really. But more'n that... it's... good copy, I think, and... and...

and I kind of can't believe the scene I finally made myself write.

It might all be easier from here on out. Now that I've... gotten over the major obstacle of admitting what happens. It's one thing to plan it. But...

It's written.

...I'm mildly tempted to include it here.  But I doubt I will.  Maybe I'll post it later.

Or in my writing journal.

Things are starting to solidify in a way they didn't before.  I know more about what happened.  And.. I know what happened that day.  Damn. Fucking heroic, just for a brief moment--not even a big thing, just one stupid act made without even thinking.

*Goes back to crying*

LG, my dear, favorite horse-knowledge-encyclopaedia. Supposing I want a horse to be injured in a battle, but in a recoverable way, although it might be good for easy rides but really not much else (other than happily munching grass) afterwards? ...Mainly, how can I injure the horse, get the rider off, and not have to kill the poor thing from mercy at least?

(Long, long story why I'm worrying about this. I want the horse alive. Mostly 'cause the rider's dead. And I want this image of an old, wounded, fat, grass-munching war-horse. There are Reasons.)

I had a lot of these moments today. With "YOU FUCKING BASTARD(S)!"

On many levels. And discussions about war, which have left me somewhat prepared to write for once in my life.

At the moment, though:

Read it. I have no more words.

Whoot! It's like, half a year away, BUT! A NEW FAVORITE SONG! (AKA More love from Loreena McKennitt)

All Soul's Night

Anyway.  I need to write a thing that happens in late fall, speaking of.  *Frowns* Maybe.  Yeah. Late fall.  Although without a religion justification for the parallel is hard to do... although then again the parallel isn't within the story it's outside of it.... yeeeeesssss... *Happy*

Yay. Okay. So I am getting a solid timeline. *Sigh* I need to... y'know. Write. But the last couple of days I've been... depressed beyond words, and this is the Week from Hell.  Been reading webcomics to alleviate the pain.

I need to remember my meds. I haven't taken them in... ye gods.  A month and a half, at least. *Sigh* I know, I know. I'm stupid, and bad.  I can't help it.  I'm forgetful. (Also, it's HORRIBLE--I've started hearing things when they're a teeny bit out of tune. Like, I can hear the quarter-steps and sometimes less now.  It's driving me insane. Especially when it's on a recording.)  I do have actual... news of a kind. I'll get to it in a little. During lunch, permaybehaps.

I seriously fucking need to find my keys. My mandolin's locked. And I want to plaaaaay... *Wibbles* Anyway. Back to reading Sinfest now. It's not THAT great, but there are some nice bits.

Also, SOMEONE needs to look like Viggo. It's final. Someone really, really does.  I'd say Bren (YAY KINGS) except he's too rugged and reminds me more of another character.  *Growls* But I'm shutting up now.

*Sighs* So a teacher couldn't make it to this... writers gala thing and my old English teacher asked me at the last minute. Turns out the EiC of Imag was going ANYWAY and this other girl who doesn't even write as far as I know. And I'm the fucking last minute stand in. AND WRITING ACTUALLY MEANS SOMETHING TO ME WHEN IT TOTALLY DOESN'T TO THOSE TWO. ARGH.

I hate that man. Honestly I do.

Anyway, fun thing even if I wore a skirt.  And I got a hug from a history teacher from the middle school, even though he never had me. He likes me. And told me to give mom a hug for him. He's the sweetest guy. His wife's cool too. (She's an author, was one of the speakers.)

I have a splitting headache.

I missed a hello from Tessa, though, and a call from Sarah. I feel bad and lonely.

But... I'm writing. I may have found a place for Natan in Apocalypse!verse, I think--I love him so much, I couldn't help it. It's not set in stone, really, as I really want him somewhere where I can play with class marriage stuff, so he might move around depending. But for the moment he's in Apocalypse!verse and a standin. And he makes a good peon--I mean, rich enough that he got a lieutenancy but  still had to go to the war and not high enough to be all safely out of harm's way.

And Jen? I've started that SiC scene. Be happy.  *Sighs* I love Neran. And he does so much. Neran's the catalyst for a rediscovered appreciation of life, basically. Oh, male bonding stories. Without gay undertones. At least, no intentional ones. They're so not gay together, really they're not at all. I love it.

Mental note to self: play with some gay guys in this regiment and have them flirt with the cute captain. Muchly needed.

Anyway.  Uhm.  *sighs* Oh, right. That's why I wanted Natan. Nevermind. He can play elsewhere, I guess. Probably Elemental!verse, where he belongs.  Or belongs better.  (Side note: odd, that in Bard!verse there's no singing magic. ...Or that I have none whatsoever yet. That's incredibly out of character for me. Must remedy that.)

Anyway, a quick note about names, for the sake of my own reference: Kalenes--once Kialort (Keye-al-ort) and Perenes, probably duchies or something, combined to be Kalenes.  Kialort names tend to be a lot more... hard consonants, ts and zs and ks, more is and o sounds (eg, the entire main family).  Perenes names tend to be more... soft-consonants, as and es and flowing (eg, Neran and Leransen and Desanen).  Obviously lots of "en" names. Valira are much more... vowel based names, and more... something. I haven't dealt with Valira enough yet to know.

My head's woozy.

And I feel vaguely nauseous.

And my father's in my bedroom building his damn computer. I'm kicking him out soon, I think. So I can sleep and get up early to do physics. Ugh.

I wish I'd been more awake this evening, but... I really wasn't. At all. I'd've liked to keep writing. I have inspiration again.  And Shattered!verse FINALLY clicked more into place than before. *Sigh of relief* And I get to have magical critters there, too.  ...And Elemental!verse has minor magical!critters. Not nearly as exaggerated as Shattered!verse, which is also the ritual-type magic place. Which is odd in and of itself, for me. I'm so elementally oriented it's sad.

But... yeah. Good day writing wise. LG, you save my ass. Really. Sorry I didn't do Denerais, unless I did by the time I went to sleep.  Just... I more or less keeled over and died.

I'm... in a bad mood. I hate having things hanging over me. But I feel so much better in many ways than I did yesterday.  Christina... and LG especially. Worldbuilding soothes me, apparently. As does writing about death and realizing what I'm trying to say about it in this one piece.

On which note, Tyroshaun finally started speaking to me again. I mean, he was talking to me. He's nice that way. Big brotherish.  But... damn.  He apparently is mad at me, actually, but he's capable of talking to me other than either mocking bad singers or idiots or making me laugh.  And Cinaed's back. He'd been gone for a little while. And apparently has a stronger tendency than before to speaking in high brow polite tones. *eyeroll* He's as bad or WORSE than Giles.  But amusing. (The guy on TDS last night apparently tried to say "You're fucked" in a Scottish accent. Cinaed mocked his failage at that. And earned a thwap from his wife. It amused me greatly.)

I want a Regency dress. Badly. Or Buffy's dress.

Also, I'm looking longingly at spaceships right now. Spaceships and alien races and... gah. My head is bad today. *Sigh* Physics now.

(...Why do I want to say I miss Jon?)

So I think I'll try taking up Republic of Pemberley again, and actually talking to the JA fandom.  I dunno. I mean, I'm not a huge fandom person in general, but I've stuck with JA for so long--and usually there are intelligent people involved--so... I may try taking it up. Making some friends. Finding some conventions or something. And betas for stories.

And I'm writing now.  Finally. My muse is back, and I've got two lead men talking to me. THANK THE VALAR.  Well, three technically, if you count Isaren.  And Rania's chatty, too. Sweet girl, that.  Also that depressing family and company of the Apocalypse verse.

...My English class is Wiki racing. 'Kay then.