*Sighs*

No. I'm not turning into House, unless House is really that emotionally tortured. Which I guess he IS, but... he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. That's my schtick.

(I've been doing a lot of... markedly Jewish or Hispanic things lately. It's odd.)

But... Just... had a moment. A can't think, can't breathe, can't live sort of moment.  And it's still hurting, y'know? That little knot inside my chest. Oh, nothing medical. I'm healthy enough. Not counting sleep deprivation and acne and bad eating habits.

But y'know... that knowledge.  Knowing when you can't go back.  That's what my school is so oblivious to, I think.  I knew when Grayson died that something had changed. That I couldn't go back, because a little boy had taken his own life and he was so damn close, and it was so damn close and I felt at the time like I wanted to die. On and off. But I remember hating my life at the time. And I still do. Hate it. But... I knew the day that Grayson died that something wasn't the same. I wouldn't've picked up Sandman before that. Even though it had been recommended to me a year before, even. And again just before summer.  I picked it up because I knew something had changed and I needed a way to see what that something was.

I needed a map for Destiny's garden.

And I knew something had changed when Jared died. Those boys still haunt me.  And I live every day now with a sense of "Who will it be next? Who is the next of my small, confined world to return to dust and empty space and be nothing more than a swiftly-forgotten dream in memories?"

(I was looking at my post from the day of the memorial. I said "This is your life." Death of Discworld said that, although it was in past tense. And Death of the Endless, I think, says something similar. "You got what everyone gets--a lifetime.")

I'd forgotten you don't need to die to go away.  Like Lexi. She and I have nothing in common now.  Like... like Marlee and Eric from my toddlerhood (my then-best friend who is a first class bitch JAP--Jewish-American Princess--and my then-crush who, while actually GORGEOUS now, is stupid beyond reason).  Like... like Tess. I love her, and she's still my heartsister.  But... we've drifted somewhat, and things aren't quite what they were. We're still unquestioningly devoted to each other. But we're necessarily more distant.  I wonder if that's how it was for Dream and Death after Daniel took over.

...I felt useless today. Worthless.  And yesterday. And every day. I'm failing miserably. I should be fucking everything.  I'm smart and I'm talented and I honestly love learning, and I'm even a little pretty when my acne's not bad. I should be into college, I should be top of my class, ahead on my homework, healthy and keeping up with life... and instead I'm a lazy lethargic bum. *Sighs* There's a reason I'm writing what I'm writing. The hero who can't quite make the status quo. To use Garion's terms, the rock that gets thrown... and sort of doesn't even last five seconds before thumping back to earth, without fanfare, just a quiet, wet little thud.  I hate it. I hate letting my parents down, I hate being the way I am.  But I really don't have much choice, do I? So I have to live with it, because I'm damn well not going to be dead with it. And I don't know just where I went wrong.

And why I can't deal with people, so that I keep trying to talk to people I have nothing in common with and being hurt when people I thought I could love and respect don't. It's happened... too often, I guess.  Price of empathy, I suppose.

Just had one of those... Joycian epiphany moments.  Where I went "...Shit."  And wanted to curl up and die.

Cordy's right. Being alone with others beats being alone by yourself.

But I don't really have that choice.

...At least I'm flying free?... 

EDIT: ...And my entire life is ameliorated in a tiny, tiny way by a realization that I might be able to snitch a now-useless old piece of writing as the opening of Shattered!verse. Thank Eru. I really liked that piece.

My head's woozy.

And I feel vaguely nauseous.

And my father's in my bedroom building his damn computer. I'm kicking him out soon, I think. So I can sleep and get up early to do physics. Ugh.

I wish I'd been more awake this evening, but... I really wasn't. At all. I'd've liked to keep writing. I have inspiration again.  And Shattered!verse FINALLY clicked more into place than before. *Sigh of relief* And I get to have magical critters there, too.  ...And Elemental!verse has minor magical!critters. Not nearly as exaggerated as Shattered!verse, which is also the ritual-type magic place. Which is odd in and of itself, for me. I'm so elementally oriented it's sad.

But... yeah. Good day writing wise. LG, you save my ass. Really. Sorry I didn't do Denerais, unless I did by the time I went to sleep.  Just... I more or less keeled over and died.

I'm... in a bad mood. I hate having things hanging over me. But I feel so much better in many ways than I did yesterday.  Christina... and LG especially. Worldbuilding soothes me, apparently. As does writing about death and realizing what I'm trying to say about it in this one piece.

On which note, Tyroshaun finally started speaking to me again. I mean, he was talking to me. He's nice that way. Big brotherish.  But... damn.  He apparently is mad at me, actually, but he's capable of talking to me other than either mocking bad singers or idiots or making me laugh.  And Cinaed's back. He'd been gone for a little while. And apparently has a stronger tendency than before to speaking in high brow polite tones. *eyeroll* He's as bad or WORSE than Giles.  But amusing. (The guy on TDS last night apparently tried to say "You're fucked" in a Scottish accent. Cinaed mocked his failage at that. And earned a thwap from his wife. It amused me greatly.)

I want a Regency dress. Badly. Or Buffy's dress.

Also, I'm looking longingly at spaceships right now. Spaceships and alien races and... gah. My head is bad today. *Sigh* Physics now.

(...Why do I want to say I miss Jon?)

Okay. So I was going to post my exuberance on Friday. I'll go back and edit that post and do the update on those coupla days in a little while. I haven't had the energy. It was a strange high. I promise I'll go back and write it up, though, because OH MY GOD MY CHOIR DIRECTOR IS FUCKING INSANE I LOVE HIM. *Giggles* Just... oh Scotty B.

But... uhm. Yesterday I had piano lesson--I LOVE Mozart, really I do. And love sightreading him, playing him, analyzing every chord as I go along that I can while still playing... aaaaah, music.  Anyway, then my Tessa came over and we watched Fruits Basket. It was lots of fun.  I love my Tessa. And I gave her the Audrey Hepburn book that I got that I didn't care for one way or another, but she LOVES Hepburn, so... she's happy. And that makes me happy. Even if we didn't get to see Golden Compass. Bah humbug.  Today, had rehearsal, forgot, was late, etc, bad day. Ugh.

Tyroshaun is incredibly good at the guilt complex thing. Lord, he'll find a way to blame himself for anything and everything.

... WARNING. This is a writing-filled post and there are five hundred tags because... well, yes. It's everything that's in here. And a summary of my mind at the moment, so it is necessary. For my record keeping. Skip ahead if you'd like.

Anyway. The other thing about yesterday... I rambled at/with LG, and WHOOT FOR WORLDBUILDING. Ohmigod, LG, you save my life.   Just... lord oh lord, you save my life. And I get to keep my other 'verse too now, despite Apocalypse!verse... which is what I'm calling that one, for the simple fact that... okay, I'll put that in below with my list of my private playground 'verses. So I've essentially got four 'verses right now, one on the front burner, one sort of... in the tea-kettle for sipping at, and two on the back burner.  One... based off an interesting fanfic idea I had that I may change so that I just have the epic sort of thing in that time period, so I'm not sure if I ought to count it as a verse or just a story. That's in the incubator.  And sort of in the pantry--not hot or cold and for snacking on, are my JA fanfic ideas.  Mostly P&P.  My Jeeves-JA mix, and my new theater!P&P fic.  (Come on, you all saw that coming--did you think I could resist the idea?)  I'm REALLY going to make Darcy blond in one of them. Just to break the paradigm. Not light blond, but... not blond. You can be broody without being dark-haired, dammit! I also do have a shortfic idea, for Sandman. *Grins* A Sweeney-Sandman story, actually. I mean... if Sweeney isn't a nightmare, than what is? Or it'll be a Corinthian-influencing-Benjamin-Barker/Sweeney-Todd.  But mainly I'd like to see Dream and Sweeney talking. *Grins*

...I love my head sometimes. *Grins* Now, the summary of the 'verses and the fics (and if you'd like any further information, please feel free to give me a nudge or ask for an email. ...why I'm offering, I don't know, as this is mostly for my own reference and mostly the five people who read this either A) already know, or B) will be told anyway by my rambling (sorry, LG-san), or C) won't be interested. I mean... the reason I keep this is mostly for my own memory, y'know? It's not like I have hordes of friends to keep up with... I never have. The ones I keep up with, I keep up with. I just need to write things out sometimes... anyway, still. If you'd like more info/the long and detailed plot explanation, let me know and I'll give it to you! Just be warned about the hours it'll need):

(...I don't know why I find the real world so damn boring. It's all about the high fantasy and the magic and occasionally the spaceships for me. It's odd. ...SPACESHIPS AHOY!)

So those are my seven (or nine... whoa, hey, my two favorite Significant Numbers!) ideas for writing lately. Sorry for the time I'm taking up, but I really, really needed to get that out. And it brought a smile to my face, which... I also desperately needed.  When I start singing from Assassins? Help is needed.

(With this analogy, you could say ideas seven and eight, the musicals, are the liquor cabinet: oh so enticing, out of bounds, and... ah, inducing giggles and insanity.)

...It occurs to me, now, that I HATE cooking and so maybe all those cooking analogies were singularly... bad.  Uhm. Usually I think of my head as a library, or a common room.  Or maybe a house.  A theater'd be a good analogy.  I'll... think of a better way of putting it.

Uhm. #1 is the big money high-class show (...Dunno, maybe a highly acclaimed Shakespeare or... dunno, Sweeney?), #2 the avant garde side gig (Mirrormask), #s 3 and 4 are scripts stuffed in a file drawer 'cause no one's bought 'em yet or in pre-production (Feeling Electric/whatever it's called now stupidheads), #s 5 and 6 are community theatre (my school's Crazy for You), #s 7 and 8 are The A Daily Show and The Colbert Report (bert/port, not bear/pore...), and #9 is that great idea about spaceships you had and haven't gotten around to dealing with.  To put it all in show-biz terms.

All I need to add to that is to have a #10 that was a long-running show that got cancelled. ...I wonder what some of those people who stuck around so long'll do... 

...My first smile in a while. That felt good.

EDIT: ... Aaand "I Know The Truth" is on. And it's making me, like, want to go curl up and die.  Partly for me, partly because I've got a hysterically sobbing character on my hands and it's painful. ...No. that's not right. Not sobbing. Not hysterical. Just...... this spot where everything sort of... curls up on itself, into a singularity. It's like a... grey hole? Not as extreme as a black hole, but... lord. It's hard.